


Saudade

by otakuspirit



Category: Shaman King
Genre: F/M, Slice of Life, TW:sex, first person POV, in line with the manga, takes place after Funbari no Uta, takes place in 2008, totally ignores Flowers, tw:alcohol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-07-25 19:54:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 44,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7545849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otakuspirit/pseuds/otakuspirit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>/souˈdädə/<br/>noun:<br/>a longing for something or some event that one is fond of, which is gone, but might return in a distant future.<br/>a RenPiri fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alone with Friends

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ShatteredLyre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShatteredLyre/gifts).



 

It’s been a few years since the end of the Shaman Fight. 

The teams all split up to go about their business as if the Shaman Fight hadn’t change their lives forever. 

There were letters and phone calls and emails and text messages sent, but they started getting infrequent as time went on. That is, until the Funbari Onsen was remodeled and started attracting tourists -- mostly hipster Americans looking for the “authentic” Japanese stay. Whatever. Business means money and money makes Anna happy. Very happy. She and Yoh do have a child, after all. Kids are expensive. 

Ryū does the cooking and Tamao dishes out the hospitality by being the ideal everything, while Yoh and Anna run the business and take care of little Hana. Well, Anna runs the business. Yoh sweeps the floors. Sometimes. He mostly looks after his very active and equally as curious son. Tamao often finds herself picking up his slack late at night. The Hanagumi are also there, though they don’t do much. They’re supposed to be cleaning rooms, waitressing,  and the such, but they kind of just do what they want. Tamao keeps them in check and tries not to get Anna involved. 

About a year ago, Horohoro got a call from Yoh asking him if he would like to help out at the onsen by making and maintaining a vegetable garden on the property. American tourists are really impressed when businesses grow their own vegetables, he said. A little bored with the way things were going in in our Small Town Life in Hokkaidō, Horohoro accepted. The invitation was extended to me, too. Yoh said that handmade trinkets were all the rage with tourists at the moment and that I could make them if I wanted. Aboriginal crafts are popular now that colonialism was viewed as a Massive Bummer. I didn’t have to work for them if I didn’t want to, he added; I was welcome regardless. I agreed to go immediately. 

Life in Hokkaidō was so slow in comparison to the Shaman Fight. I find it crazy to think that I was content with the sluggish pace before. Although, most of my childhood was spent being my father’s assistant in training Onii-chan. So, I guess it wasn’t as sluggish as I remember. But my youth, my teenage years, were spent mostly in the beds of Ainu kids that had nothing better to do. Boyfriends came and went, but I didn’t ever love any of them. Oh, no. 

The closest I ever came to love was when a guy told me he loved me after some Sunday-afternoon sex and I laughed in his face. I didn’t see him after that. I didn’t want to. What kind of seventeen-year-old knows what love is? He was delusional, clearly. 

After moving to Tokyo, I decided to get a degree in agricultural studies at a local university. I make trinkets to sell at the onsen when I have the time. They’re actually treated like exclusive items since I make a few at a time and release them on an irregular schedule. This allows the price to be driven up, which pleases Anna. I don’t actually live in the onsen, like Onii-chan does, I live by myself in an apartment a few blocks away. I don’t mind, I have my privacy and Anna isn’t my landlord. Big win. 

Onii-chan just got engaged to Tamao. They’ll be getting their own place soon. He and Tamao had a bit of a short-lived fling after the Shaman Fight that lasted from our revival until we all split up -- one of those Life is Short impulse decisions. 

They picked up where they left off as soon as Horo and I moved down. No hurt feelings. No resentment. No harsh questions. It was like they had never been apart.

They don’t fight, which is surprising seeing as how Onii-chan can be a handful sometimes, but that’s their love. Onii-chan is quick to anger, Tamao is reasonable. Onii-chan openly flirts with Tamao and she blushes quietly, wishing he would stop doing it in public. Onii-chan does the outdoors work and Tamao -- well, Tamao does a bit of everything, but they complement each other beautifully. 

That’s how I ended up in the Onsen tonight, in the dining room where so many feasts have taken place. So many people have been welcomed into Yoh and Anna’s wonderfully weird world where Everyone is Friend. I, too, have been in the inaugural seat, being showered with their unwavering love and acceptance for whomever is lucky enough to meet them. 

This place brings me such warm memories, but I feel sick enough to throw up. My nausea hasn’t eased since I was told that Onii-chan and Tamao were having an engagement celebration. My stomach flipped as I knew  _ he _ would be invited. _ He _ agreed to come.  _ He _ ’ll be here tonight.  _ Ren _ .

Ren and Jeanne have a baby. Ren has a son. Jeanne has a son. With Ren. I think they’re engaged? Maybe? Or was it just a rumor? I can remember Onii-chan saying how Ren will never let Yoh have anything for long. Guess that’s true. 

I haven’t seen or spoken to him since the day we all parted ways. It’s been roughly eight years. Horo saw Renand met  _ his son _ when Hana gathered up all the Elemental Warriors, when Yoh and Anna finally came home. I couldn’t believe it when Onii-chan told me. Tao Ren a father.  _ Father.  _ Tao Ren holding a baby.  _ His baby _ . Nothing is impossible. Follow your dreams, kids. 

It’s weird to find out your ex-lover has had a kid, especially when you’re this young. Twenty-two is still young, right? I mean, young enough for me to not look out of place in college, but still pretty young to be having kids. I mean, it happens; Yoh and Anna were teenage parents, but that’s because of some bloodline nonsense. Still, kids have kids all the time. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s not uncommon. Some people just start their family early. So, why am I having such a hard time with Ren fathering a tiny sucker? Oh, right. I’m still in love with the bastard. He’s moved on quite a bit and I still think about him as if we belong together.  _ Typical _ .

I call him an ex-lover and not an ex-boyfriend because that’s exactly what he is. He is the first out of a long line of one-nighters. 

He didn’t love me like I had grown to love him, but I didn’t care. It was he who came looking for me that night, not the other way around. Hell, I wasn’t complaining. For one short night, he was mine and I was his. We were just kids. 

He’s sure to arrive tonight. I wonder if he’s ever thought of me. I wonder if he even remembers the next day. I wonder if he knows the effect he’s had on my life. I want to  _ hate _ him. 

I’m safe right now, sitting with Onii-chan on one side and Chocolove on the other. Chocolove’s jokes are bad enough for me to keep laughing at my fate without revealing that these laughs are pained and nervous. He makes pretty decent puns, though. Gotta give credit where it’s due. 

It’s time to take inventory of the room to calm my nerves. 

I see Hana asking his dad if he can try the sake. Yoh shakes his head No. Anna is not too far from them, checking if Ryū has finished the sushi he promised for tonight. 

Manta congratulates Tamao on her engagement with a warm hug.  He looks so sincere. No doubt he’s thinking about what a feat it was for her to get over Yoh. We’re all thinking it. I wonder how it was that she was able to move on from a decade-long crush. 

The Hanagumi are lazily serving food and drinks while making conversation. 

The door slides open. My heart stops. This could be it -- the moment of truth. 

In comes Lyserg, still looking as bishi as ever. 

My body releases its tension a bit too early because following suit is Jeanne holding a boy who looks like he’s about two. They enter smiling and bearing gifts. 

Wait, this is wrong. Why isn’t Ren with her? Are they traveling apart? Is he not coming? He was supposed to be here! I want answers! 

An eternity passes in seconds. My palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, mom’s spaghetti. The acid in my stomach is making a hole through the lining. Maybe I can use this new ulcer to as an excuse to leave early. 

I don’t even know if I want to see him anymore. 

I empty my cup of sake in one swift move. The warm liquid burns my throat on the way down. 

I need air. I get up from the table, my legs threatening to buckle beneath me. I’m not drunk, it’s nerves.

I make my way towards the door that leads to the side yard, taking small, heavy steps. No one notices my attempt to flee the scene since there’s a baby in the room. Who doesn’t like babies? Well, he’s two-ish. Is that still considered a baby? If I ask his age will they tell me in years or in months? Is that directly correlated to whether or not the child is a baby or a toddler? Shut up. Focus. Get out. 

Just a few more steps. I can hear the noise level rise. 

My hand makes it to the door’s wooden frame. 

Freedom is so close. 

I can almost feel the breeze coming in from the outside. My hand slides the door open, as I look back to make sure no one is watching me run away from my own brother’s party. 

Half a step into the outside world and my body bumps into something. I asses the situation in less than a second. A soft thud is emitted from the brief collision. It was solid, but soft. A body. That smell. 

Oh.  _ No. _

“Pirika…?” 

My soul almost left my body. 

A hurricane dances in my stomach. Chills run from my head to my toes. I can hear my eulogy being recited in my head:  _ Here lies Usui Pirika, the fool.  _

I turn to look at the person I bumped into, full well knowing I walked straight into my doom -- my undoing. 

“...Ren.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been sitting in my head for about eight years, so I finally decided to write it down. It was going to be a lot different, but since I'm a stickler for canon, changes had to be made and the story kind of wrote itself. I don't know how long it is going to be yet, but please be patient.
> 
> This isn't my usual writing style, so forgive me if it seems unusual. I'm trying something new.
> 
> I'd like to take time to recognize Micelle, ShatteredLyre, and sOrbetes from ff.net for their contribution to the SK fandom back when it was more alive than it is now. It is thanks to these kids that RenPrir is my undying OTP.


	2. Shit, Motherfucker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pirika gets hammered and hopes no one notices her meltdown while simultaneously being the perfect party guest.

Chapter 2: Shit, Motherfucker

I want to scream. To take his face in between my hands and smush it as hard as possible. I want to kick him in the crotch and offer him ice and then melt the ice in front of his eyes. I want to shut the door and pretend like I never saw him. I want to hug him and tell him that I missed him.

Most of all, I want to just stop loving him. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with a memory now, a faded illusion of who he once was; nearly a decade has passed. Surely, we're both very different people now.

"Ren's here." I manage to say without breaking out in tears. My voice is firm and carries through the room. Eyes follow my voice to the door and a chorus of cheers echoes through the party.

I take this opportunity to walk right past him and continue my journey outside. I can't look at him, but I can feel his gaze follow me as I step out and he goes in. I slide the door shut behind me.

Success. Kind of.

On the deck, I take a deep breath of the cool air. My hands are shaking faster than my heart is racing. I'm pretty sure my stomach has incinerated itself. I feel weak.

A chill breeze lets me know that I am not alone. I know that breeze better than I can recognize my name sometimes. It calms me somewhat.

"You okay?" Hao asks me, actually concerned. He is being followed by a parade of cats, one of them snugly clinging to his calf.

Hao and I have a weird friendship. Mostly because no one ever associated Hao with Friends. He never intimidated me into liking him, unlike how he won over his followers. I don't know how it actually happened, but we enjoy each other's company quite a bit. I think it had something to do with the fact that he can still read minds and took pity on my lonely ass when I first moved down here. He's chilled out since the Shaman Fight, but can still be a bit of a Massive Fuck.

"Stay out of my head, Asakura." I make an X with my arms over my face.

"You know you'll have to wear a tinfoil hat to stop me." He teases.

"The only thing that'll accomplish is making me looking like a moron." I put my arms down as he approaches and sits next to me.

"Damn, my plans have been thwarted." He nudges me with a smile.

I give a half-assed chuckle.

"Want me to take you home? We can have our own party, with  _cats_." Hao offers, nodding his head in the direction of my apartment.

"That's the craziest Cat Lady thing you've ever said. Thanks but, it's kind of rude to leave my brother's party because I'm a giant baby." I tuck my hair behind my ears and stare out into nothing.

"I'm surprised you're not crying. You're usually emotional when it comes to things concerning our favorite Forbidden Subject." He tries to get me to talk about it even though he knows exactly what's going on inside my head.

"You know me better than that. I've stopped crying in public."  _My soul is crushed and weeping in agony,_ I say mentally.

"You're still happy to see him, though."

"Of course I am." We sat in silence for a bit before I decided to change the subject. "Were you even invited?"

"That's the rudest question this Shaman King has ever heard," he fakes offense, "but no. I have nothing to say to your brother, really. I don't actually care. I had nothing better to do tonight, so I thought I might come by and see how many people I can make uneasy and see my girlfriend while I'm at it."

"You have to stop toying with people like that." I frown. "Do you want me to go get Mari?"

"She knows I'm here; she'll come out when she's done pretending to be helpful." He smiles reassuringly. "Besides, you're not ready to go back in there yet."

"They're gonna notice that I'm not in there soon enough." I get up. "You coming in?"

"Right behind you."

"Keep the cats outside." I slide the door open once more, "Hao's here." I announce nonchalantly. Immediately, the room's atmosphere tenses up. Conversations die down as all eyes watch Hao intensely.

"Relax," Hao holds his hands up in front of his chest, palms facing the onlookers, "I came to congratulate the couple." He walks towards Tamao and Onii-chan, who are used to him by now and know he means no harm. "Congratulations." He says with a smile.

Horo stands up and offers him a cup of sake, which Hao takes graciously. Tamao hands Onii-chan another cup of sake.

"Cheers." Hao and Onii-chan clank their cups and drink.

The tension in the room dissolves as everyone who has sake in their hand raises their up and drinks. Conversations resume and laughter fills the air. The room smells like old friendships. For a brief second, everything is right with this world that Yoh and Anna have stitched together with their kindness.

Mari and Hao find each other and step outside. Lyserg and Jeanne take Men and excuse themselves, telling Onii-chan and Tamao that they have to put the baby to bed.

I don't blame Lyserg for leaving so early. It can't be easy to enjoy yourself at a party knowing that your parents' murderer is there.

I look for a spot where I can spend the rest of the evening without being disturbed much.

Onii-chan and Tamao are engrossed in conversation with Ren, who has taken Chocolove's spot.

Hana has fallen asleep on Yoh, who is talking quietly with Anna near the newly-engaged couple.

Manta is talking to Chocolove about something a little further away than the rest of the action.

Ryū comes out from the kitchen with more food. Everyone begins to eat and amid conversation.

I feel alone.

A hand touches my shoulder and I jump slightly. Macchi offers me some food. I look at her and tell her that I'm not hungry, I might leave soon. Horohoro overhears this. He hears like a wolf.

"Don't be silly, Pirika!" Horo's cheeks are red from drinking. "It's barely 9:30. Stay a little longer; you're on summer break!" Looking at his disappointed face makes me feel bad. "Here," he motions towards himself with weak gestures, "sit next to Ren. Eat."

Oh, my brother. My dear, sweet, emotionally aloof brother, how I love you and your concern for me. You're always trying to make me feel like I belong wherever you are. But, tonight you're too drunk to realize that I, your sister, would rather gnaw my foot off than to sit next to Ren.

I take a seat next to Ren. He smiles at me and offers me a peach dumpling; his favorite.

I take one, not wanting to be rude.

Onii-chan hands me a cup of sake. I drink it in one swift move. He pours me another, which I hold in my hand until Ren turns to Onii-chan and I down that motherfucker like my life depends on it. I don't care that the taste is unpleasant to me and that my throat can produce enough steam to power a small train.

The evening goes on like this - I eat and drink and only chime in when I am addressed directly. My vision is blurry and I suddenly don't care that I'm sitting next to the first and only dude to break my heart.

I realize that it doesn't matter that he has a son. He could have twenty kids with just as many women, it doesn't change how I see him.  _See him_.

I'm trying to focus on his face, I wonder if his cheeks are still full and his eyes are still the color of molten gold. I can't focus, I've had too much to drink. All I see is a peach blur in a sea of purple blur wearing black blur. He looks like a bruise.

Blue Blur and Pink Blur sit behind Bruise-colored Blur. I squint in an attempt to sharpen my vision.

"You tired, Pirika?" Onii-chan asks me without a hint of irony. He's never seen me drunk. Horo doesn't know what I look like tipsy, let alone when I'm almost shit-faced. I've been getting by by giving short answers and stuffing Ryū's delicious cooking into my mouth. This is my chance. I have to use this question as a segue to excuse me from the party.  _I gotta sell it._

"Mhm." I nod my head slowly in my brother's direction. The sound that escapes my mouth is a bit more high-pitched than normal.  _Shit, act normal._

"You wanna go home?" Tamao asks. I think she knows I'm not sober.  _Save me, Tamao!_

"Ye." I try to act cool.

"I'll take you home." Ren offers and gets up, stretching his hand out to help me to my feet.

The world stops spinning around me. Panic begins to build itself in my chest.

I weigh my options: say no and make a scene, revealing to my brother that his precious angel baby sister is wasted;  _or_  go quietly and get home as soon as possible. The second option is the safest for my reputation. Besides, Ren is a gentleman and I am assured a safe passage home.

The second option also leads to the possibility of Sexy Times. Like I'm gonna say no to Sexy Times.

I take his hand. He helps me to my feet and I bid the rest of the party goodnight, trying to act sober. Horo says something along the lines of knowing he can rely on Ren to be a good friend. I want to scoff but I don't.

Walking is hard, but we make it to the door without anyone catching on. As soon as Ren shuts the door behind us, my knees give out slightly, forcing him to hold me by my waist. Feeling his grip around me makes me jump slightly. I make a face.

"Sorry," he says, not loosening his grip, "I would let go, but you'll fall."  
I say nothing and keep walking towards the gate.

"My carriage is parked right outside the main entrance. You'll be home soon." there isn't any ill-intent in his voice. The kid just wants me to get home safe.

"Typical," I attempt to whisper.

"What was that?" He dares me to say it again.

"I said it's typical of you to come to Tokyo in a carriage, showing off." I manage to not slur my words.

"You're right." Ren conceded.  _WAIT._  Ren conceded? Since when does that happen? Who the  _fuck_ is this guy?

I give him a puzzled look. He pays no mind and helps me out the front gate.

Finally, I can see his carriage. The white horse that's attached to it looks like the same one from our youth. How old is that freaking horse?

"Is that the same horsie I've met?" I didn't mean to say "horsie" - it slipped out.

"No, he's at home. This is his son." Ren explains, ignoring the fact that I referred to his steed the same way a child would.

After what seems like the Longest Walk Ever, we make it to the carriage. His chauffeur opens the door for us and he helps me in.

"Where to, sir?" The old man asks.

"Pirika, I need your address."

Holy shit, where do I live? I can't remember anything right now. The only coherent thought that I can come up with is a flashing neon sign in my head that says  _DON'T THROW UP IN THE CAR_.

How am I going to get home? If I can't remember, will he take me to wherever he's staying? No, that can't happen.

I take out my phone and unlock it for him after a few failed attempts. He takes it from me and finds my address, telling Chauffeur Blur where to go.

"Is this your first time drinking?" Bruised-colored Blur asks me as soon as we take off. What a stupid question.

"No." I shut my eyes and lean on his arm.

"You're shit at holding your alcohol, then." This is the first time I've ever heard him cuss. I'm too shocked to be offended.

"Why aren't _you_  drunk?" I can feel myself begin to slip into Sleep Mode.

"I don't drink." His voice is far from judgemental.

"Oh." I realize that this is the first conversation I've had with him in eight years. Good job, Pirika. Last time you had an actual conversation you were naked and now you're drunk. Excellent track record.

The carriage ride was over as soon as it began. We stopped in front of my building, my body feeling like lead.

"I'm going to help her up." Ren informs Chauffeur Blur. He gets out of the carriage and manages to get me out. Once he does, he throws me over his shoulder and heads for the stairs, telling me to grab on. I do as he says. We have three flights of stairs to climb before I can make it to my door. The ride isn't as smooth as I was hoping it would be, but we make it to my apartment before long. Ren asks for my keys, which I deposit in his hand behind his back.

His hair is so long. I want to touch it.

He opens my door and scans my apartment for a suitable place to lay me down. Luckily, my one-bedroom is small enough for him to find my bed in less than three seconds. He places me gently on my mattress.

"I'm going to take off your shoes." he warns me.

I let him undress my feet without any trouble.

_Freedom._

I wiggle my toes in front of his face. Ren bats my feet down. "Do you want to put on your pajamas?"

"Do  _you_  want to put on  _your_  pajamas?" I ask him, giggling. Damn, my sheets feel good right now. Have they always been this soft? I wanna rub my face on them.

"I don't have any pajamas here." He plays along, bemused.

"That drawer!" I point to nothing. "It hez peejays fur all shaypz 'nd sizus."

"Aha." his tone remains serious. "Look, if you don't need anything else, I'm gonna take off. Where do you have a trashcan?"

"'Ere." I mumble.

"Where?"

"C'me 'ere." I motion for him to get close to my face. He plays along still, sitting on my bed and leaning into my personal space. "Imma tell ya."

"Yes?" he asks, looking into my eyes. Before I could stop myself, I grab his face with both my hands and kiss him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is where I know I'm going to start losing people. Just a warning, this is incredibly slow burn and the chapters are going to stay on the shorter side for a while.
> 
> The Pirika & Hao friendship thing was inspired by a fanfic I read back in the day by FFN's Micelle called He. For some reason, it makes sense to me that they're good friends. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	3. The Twilight Zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a drunken kiss, confusion ensues as Pirika just tries to get through her Sunday morning.

Ren’s lips are locked on mine. To my great surprise, he kisses me back with as much desire as I kiss him. My tongue runs over his lips and finds its way into his mouth. I break the kiss to take a breath, forgetting that I can do both at the same time. He’s panting slightly. 

I stare at him with my mouth open, more awake than I was five minutes ago. I realize what I did and how he didn’t pull back. 

We stare at each other. He is no longer Bruised-colored Blur. I can see his golden eyes and his sharp nose and his exciting jawline. 

My hands are still on his face, caressing his cheeks lightly. His skin feels like it was recently shaved. 

“I should go.” He breaks the silence, but not his gaze. 

“Stay.” I whisper into his mouth. 

“No, nothing good will come of this. You’re drunk. You can’t consent if this begins to go any farther.” He starts to get up. My hand grabs his arm.

“I don’t want to be alone tonight.” I look at him with pleading eyes. “Nothing will happen. Just don’t leave me alone.” I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. It stings. I don’t know why I do this. I can’t confirm whether it’s me or the alcohol talking. I just want him to stay. I’ve waited so long to have him in my life, now he’s on my bed and I’m not letting him walk away just like that, dammit. 

“Pirika…” Ren doesn’t even turn around to look at me. 

“Please,” my voice sounds pained, “stay.”

Ren looks at me, takes out his phone, calls Chauffeur Blur and tells him to head to the hotel, he’ll be in contact in the morning. Ren takes off his sports jacket and places it on my couch at the foot of my bed. 

I am too drunk to tell if what I’m feeling is happiness or something similar that I convinced him to stay. I think I’m just content. I think I’m just relieved. I think. 

“Let’s get you under the covers.” He coaxes me to get in bed fully dressed. 

“Your pants,” I wave my hand in a downwards motion, “they’ll wrinkle.” 

Ren follows my instructions and takes off his button up, shoes, socks, and pants. He lies next to me on the bed clad only in boxers and a thin undershirt, making sure to stay over the duvet.

He doesn’t touch me. 

I move my back into his chest. We’re technically spooning, save the wall of blankets between us. 

He doesn’t touch me. 

I wish him goodnight. 

He grunts in response. 

I awake to the rude sound of a phone vibrating violently and Ren picking up. I can hear him answer in a low, groggy voice. He gets up from the bed and sits on my couch,  

“Yes, I can be there… In about 20 minutes, probably less...That’s not a problem…Yes...I will… Fine by me… I’ll see you soon.” Ren ends his call and dials a new number, “It’s me. Pick me up from where you left me last night. I have to be at the hotel in less than 20 minutes.” He hangs up and puts his phone in his pocket. 

“Goodmorning.” I say as he starts to dress. He doesn’t acknowledge me or my voice. “About last night-”

“Did you know that taking care of drunk you is eerily similar to taking care of my two-year-old?” He zips his pants. 

“Holy shit, you have a son.” I spring up on the bed. This is the first time we’ve discussed his family. 

“I do.” He puts on his shirt and begins to do the buttons. 

“And you and Jeanne are…” My voice trails off as I sniff my clothes. 

“Divorced.” He sits back down on my couch to put his socks on. Reusing socks. Gross. 

“I’m sorry.” I say automatically. I take off last night’s blouse and throw it into my hamper. 

“I’m not.” he says casually, “We realized we were a bad fit a few months into our marriage. We only got married because she was expecting. After Men was born, she said she needed to clear her mind back in France. A few months later she came back to China with Lyserg and the rest is history.” Ren was now tying his shoes. 

How can he summarize his relationship with the mother of his child that way? So dry and cold, as if feelings never played a part of it. Also, why did he tell me that? That’s more detail than I expected. 

“Do you resent Lyserg?” I got out of bed and walked into my kitchen, taking out a glass and pouring milk into it. 

“Not at all; he made things easier. Had Jeanne come back empty-handed, our relationship would have dragged on and Men would be the one to suffer the consequences.” He turns to me, I can’t read his face. Maybe there’s nothing to read. 

I offer him the glass of milk. He takes it, smirking slightly. 

I don’t know what else to say. He just answered most of my questions and it feels rude to keep prying. He’s already said more than I expected. 

“Would you mind if I brought him back here?” Ren asks me, setting down the empty glass on the counter. 

“Lyserg?” Why would he come here?” Don’t do this to me, Tao, my head hurts and I’m thirsty. 

“Men. My  _ son _ .” Ren looks at me with a concerned expression, “Jeanne and Lyserg are headed for England in a few hours, leaving Men in my care. I thought it would be nice to spend some time here before going over to Yoh’s for lunch.” 

Crap. I totally forgot they’re hosting a lunch, too. 

“What time is it?” I look over at my clock, unable to read the digits from this distance.

“It’s about 7:30.” He heads for my door.

“Why am I awake at 7:30 A.M. on a Sunday?” I fix myself a tall glass of water and begin to hunt down my bottle of aspirin. 

“Go back to bed. I’ll be back in an hour or so.” Ren opens my door and leaves. 

What the  _ fuck _ just happened? 

I find my aspirin bottle and struggle to open the cap. Does he want me to meet his son? I take out two pills and wash them down with The Most Necessary Glass of Water. Does he want me to bond with Men? I’m so confused. What the hell is going on?

My door opens. Maybe I can get some answers while his carriage arrives. 

Hao walks into my apartment, wearing his civvies. This is not who I expected. This is not what I expected. What a morning. 

“Why are you in my space this early?” I ask, half-glaring, half-asleep. 

“I wanted to see if you had made it home safe and survived through the night.” Hao sat on my bed like he owned the place. 

“You couldn’t have called?” 

“And miss seeing hungover Pirika? Not a chance.” 

I must look a sight. Standing in my kitchen in my bra and a wrinkled skirt with my hair sticking up from all sides. I didn’t wash my makeup off last night, so I’m pretty sure that’s smeared on my face. I feel sticky and smell off. My breath must be awful. 

“I’mma shower.” Still not fully awake, I walk to into the bathroom a few steps away and inspect my face. Just like I suspected: I look like a clown got in a fistfight with a vengeful make-up artists. 

Upon exiting the bathroom, recently showered and still in my towel, I notice Hao diligently working in the kitchen. Not only that, he has changed my sheets and made my bed. My are dirty sheets in my hamper. What kind of parallel universe did I slip into last night? Am I still drunk? Sensing my confusion, Domestic Hao attempts to clarify my foggy mind. 

“I made you some soup with that beef you had in the fridge. The protein will help you not feel like a house fire.” He serves the soup in a bowl and offers it to me. 

I look at him with a bewildered expression.

“It’s not poisoned.” He jokes. I’m still too dumbstruck to form coherent sentences. “You’re forgetting that I basically had to raise Opacho.” 

The world makes sense again. Hao still takes care of her. Opacho has her own apartment near the Funbari Onsen in case she ever needs anything while Hao is in the Great Spirit. The rent is paid for by Yoh and Anna, as is her tuition to Shinra Secondary School. She adores Hana and is often seen at the onsen playing with The Little Rascal after school. 

“Thank you.” I say, taking the bowl from his hands and grabbing a spoon from the cutlery drawer. Normally, I would have gone for chopsticks but my motor skills still aren’t fully functional. “Are you gonna have any?” 

“I already ate.” He guides me to the couch and hands me the T.V. remote. 

“How old is Opacho now?” I ask while I turn on the T.V., choosing a cooking competition show. Hao and I like to watch these and critique the contestants from skill to ingredient choice. By critique, I mean yell at the screen and make snide remarks. The words “moron”  and “mistake” are thrown around a lot. 

“She’s twelve.” He watches the screen as I taste the soup he’s made. 

“Woah! That’ll put some hair on your ass!” Hao smiles at my praise. The soup’s quite good, but the taste will wake up the dead. Not too many vegetables nor overly seasoned. The meat isn’t dry. I guess he’s learned from watching these shows. 

“Hao…?” I begin, placing the empty bowl on the coffee table, newly revived by the warm soup. 

“Hm?” He already knows what I’m going to say.

“Thank you,” I pause to add emphasis for what comes next. I want to tell him that his company, while strange, is always appreciated. 

“I know what you’re going to say -- save it. I’m not the good guy.” He keeps his eyes on the screen as he speaks. 

“You’re not the bad guy, either.” I nudge him playfully. 

“Not anymore.” He sighs. I get up to change into actual clothes. 

We spend the next hour watching T.V. and making bad jokes. I keep trying to braid Hao’s hair and he keeps batting my hands away. By the end of the hour, he gets up with a smirk on his face and walks towards the door. When he opens it, I see Ren with a diaper bag slung over his shoulder and carrying Men. Ren stiffens and clutches his son closer to his body. 

“Hao.” Ren glares at the Shaman King on instinct, adopting a protective stance.

“It’s good to see you, too.” Hao’s smile widens. 

_ Of course. _

This is what he wanted. This is why he came over. He did all of this -- made me breakfast, changed the sheets on my bed, stayed the entire hour -- just to see Ren aggravated that Hao, the very man who killed us, is nonchalantly existing in the same space as me. 

Ren’s been away in China for eight years, not interacting with his murderer, not knowing that he’s a different man. However different Hao may be, he is still the one who killed Ren’s family and friends, and Ren, himself, twice (although, once through one of his lackeys). However different Hao may be, he still finds pleasure in fucking with people. 

My mind begins to race and skip, trying to downplay my excitement when I realize that the reason Hao is here is because he  _ knew _ that Ren would be here this morning. Meaning, Ren had planned to either go home with me or expected to come see me this morning since last night. 

Damn, I got game. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such a short chapter with a lot of things going on. Next chapter is going to be longer, I promise.


	4. They Were Kids that I Once Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new friend is made, the past is revisited, and things get a little gay.
> 
> Chapter formerly called "Questions, Answers, and Confessions".

“What are you doing here?” Ren demands an answer from Hao, who is still holding onto my door knob, making sure the door stays open. 

“I just stopped by to see how Pirika was doing after her adventure with sake last night. It’s what friends do.” Hao was enjoying Ren’s agonizing confusion.

“ _ Friends? _ ” Ren was skeptical, spitting out the word in disbelief. 

“Is it so hard to believe that Pirika and I have grown close enough to consider each other friends?” Hao’s question was so obvious, it was almost rhetorical. 

“Yes!” Cried the puzzled shaman after having to process what Hao had just said. 

Hao laughed in Ren’s face and patted him on the shoulder as walked out the door. 

“Bye!” Hao kept walking down the hallway, disappearing into the daylight. 

_ That smug bastard.  _

“What was he doing here?” Ren asks me as he walks in and lets Men down gently. He places the diaper bag next to my door frame.

“Exactly what he said.” I shrug my shoulders. 

“You’re serious?” Ren shuts my door behind him after checking to see that Hao had really gone. 

“Like a heart attack.” Heart attacks are _ very _ serious. 

I bend down to Men’s level and smile at him. Smiling at children is essential for gaining their trust. They must see you as a friend. And all be damned if I don’t make Men my friend. 

“Hello, Men.” I say in a friendly tone. My lips curl into a natural smile. 

Men does nothing except stare at me with his giant red eyes. They’re kind of creepy. 

“Men, she said ‘Hello’.” Ren’s voice is firm. The small child grabs onto his father’s pant leg and looks down. After a second, he looks up at me,

“Hi…” His voice is low.

“My name is Pirika. It’s nice to meet you.” My tone is cheery. This kid better warm up to me, I’m really trying. 

“Hi…” he says again. 

“He’s a little shy.” Ren pats the top of his son’s head. “It’s okay, she’s bà’s friend.” Ren’s voice changes to an encouraging tone.

“How are you today?” I try again.  _ PLEASE LIKE ME, CHILD _ . Men looks at his father for reassurance. Ren nods and smiles at the boy. Fatherhood has really changed him.

“Tired.” Men admits. 

“He was up late past his bedtime last night and woke up early this morning.” Ren needlessly explains. Kids are often tired. Toddlers consume a lot of energy because their bodies and brain are still growing. 

“Would you like to take a nap?” I ask him with all sincerity.  _ I know I would.  _

The little boy nods and rubs his eye with his free hand. 

“You can take a nap on my bed. You can even use my very special blanket,” I lean in close and lower my voice, “I made it myself.”

The child nods, keeping direct eye contact with me at all times. His eyes are large and red like his mother’s. Another feature he shares with his mother is his wavy, silver-blue hair. His nose and mouth belong to Ren. Ren styles Men’s hair in a similar fashion to his own when he was younger. There is no doubt that this kid has won the genetic lottery. 

I stretch out my hand for Men to take. He does nothing. 

“You can go with her.” Ren reassures him. It’s a good thing this kid’s parents never have to worry about Stranger Danger. Men looks up at his dad and demands, 

“Airplane!” 

“Not right now.” Ren looks a little embarrassed.

“Airplane!” the boy cries again. Ren sighs and picks his son up by the armpits. He makes engine noises while swinging Men around, up and down, and side to side all the way to my bed. 

There, Ren makes a screeching noise and pretends that Men the Airplane has to crash-land on my bed. The child giggles wildly as his father gently, but firmly, plops him down on my mattress. 

“I’m going to take your shoes off.” Ren tells his son in the same voice he told me last night. 

_ Holy shit, I’ve lived this scene before. _

He takes Men’s shoes off carefully and places them on the floor. 

I take the throw off my couch and cover Men with it. It was something I made when I first arrived in Tokyo, trying to distract me from feeling displaced. The blanket, of course, has traditional Ainu motifs in black and blue. 

Both of us start taking my pillows and placing them on the edges of the bed so Men doesn’t roll off in his sleep. We work in unison, as if we’ve been doing this together for years. I never thought myself as maternal, but I guess I have it in me after all. 

Men falls asleep almost immediately. Poor little guy really was tired. 

Ren and I migrate to my couch to not disturb the sleeping boy after Ren declines my offer to make him breakfast. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Ren interrupts the comfortable silence between us and moves a little closer to me. 

“Of course.” I say in a low voice, to not wake his child. I’m curious as to what he’ll ask me. How have I been doing? Do I think of him? Why did I let him bring me home and then bring his child into my apartment after eight years of not speaking to each other? 

“Are you and Hao really friends?” Ren looks genuinely bewildered. I am very amused.

“Yes!” I nod my head. This answer does not seem to satisfy him, as I see him scrunch his face trying to fathom how that could have possibly happened. “We’re quite good friends, too.” He arches his eyebrow. “I don’t know how it happened. It just did.” I add trying to ease his mind. 

“Alright.” Ren crossed his arms and sighed. What is going on in his head?

“Can I ask  _ you _ a question?” I counter. 

“It is only fair.” He leans in.

“Are you still in love with Horohoro?” I ask him while looking him straight in the eyes. No beating around the bush. No stammering. No bullshit. I want answers and I want them now.

Ren blushes and pulls away from my Personal Space Bubble. He swallows guiltily. His eyes widen. He opens his mouth to speak a few times but nothing comes out except for heavy, insecure breathy noises. He begins to stammer, 

“H-how did you -- I ... you  _ knew _ !?” 

“Of course I knew!  _ Everyone _ knew!” I can’t help but to make upward gestures with my hands and raise my voice a little. 

“ _ Everyone _ ?” Ren looks concerned.

“Everyone except for Onii-chan.” My voice is back to normal. 

“How?” He looks a bit relieved, but is still visibly shaken. 

“I had my suspicions, but they were confirmed after the night we spent together.” I look down at my hands. The words I speak are loaded with memories that I have tried to suppress. 

“ _ How _ ?!” Ren’s voice sounds pained and desperate. 

“I saw how you reacted seeing him come out of Tamao’s room in the morning. You looked betrayed -- like you were about to cry. And you were in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Before that, I noticed the way you looked at him and spoke to him. You were overtly aggressive to him because you were in denial about your feelings, weren’t you?” 

Ren stayed silent and stared into the television screen, ignoring the cooking show that was providing us with soft background noise. 

“You never answered my question; are you still in love with Horohoro?” I say barely loud enough for him to hear me. 

“No.” The answer came in a soft tone after a few seconds.

“You know, in that moment that I saw you that morning, I knew you had come to our room looking for him, not me.”

Ren looked at me with an expression of guilt and sorrow. 

“Did you use me?” This was the question that I had been waiting eight years to ask. Did he use me to prove his heterosexuality to himself? Did he use me to get back at Horo for not being there for him when he needed him? Did he use me as a sex toy because I was conveniently available and alone in a hotel room for the night? Did he use me as Horo’s replacement for the night? I need to know. 

“It’s true that I was looking for Horohoro that night,” he pauses and looks at me, “but it was never my intention for things to go as far as they did.”

“Do you regret sleeping with me?” Another question that slowly strangles my soul as it exits my mouth.

“I do not.” In a flash, his eyes grow wide and the concern on his face deepens, “Do you?” 

“No,” I admit, “but I feel stupid for thinking that you could have been interested in me.”

“Pirika,” Ren sighs, “I was a confused boy looking for answers. I went to find Horohoro, but when you told me that he was out for the night --- I, I didn’t want to be alone. I felt that I could confide in you and that you could comfort me since Horohoro was always on about how you listen well and only ask necessary questions.” He doesn’t break his gaze as he explains himself. “That night, I was looking for someone to show me that I can be loved, and you did just that. I’m glad it was you.” 

His words don’t sound like rehearsed lies. The sincerity in his voice almost makes me cry with joy. I have been agonizing about this for almost a decade. Somehow, I don’t feel entirely relieved. 

I have never seen this side of the Great Tao Ren before. Maybe it’s because he’s older or maybe marriage and fatherhood softened him, but this is new and unexpected. I like it, but I find it very strange that he can be so open about his emotions. He learned to open up, while I retaliated by closing myself off. 

“Did I make you feel used?” Ren asks me, somewhat hesitant. 

“Yes…” I look down at my hands again. He takes my hand closest to him and holds it gently,

“I am very sorry.” Tao Ren is  _ sorry _ ? Tao Ren is  _ apologizing  _ to  _ me _ ? Tao Ren? The boy who was raised as a murderer? Then again, that very same Tao Ren was once a husband and is now a loving father. Things change. People change.  _ Get a grip, Pirika.  _

Not knowing what to say, I pat his hand and press my lips together into a weary smile. It’s too late for apologies. The damage had happened the moment he left without even saying goodbye. 

He didn’t even look at me the morning after. It wrecked me. 

A heaviness grew within me.

I became insecure and tried to build up my self esteem by seducing and sleeping with as many people as I could. I figured that if I was able to easily be wanted by others, I was worth something.  _ Anything. _ But the empty sex left me unsatisfied and undone. I feel broken and unfixable. I no longer find pleasure in my ability to seduce anyone I want -- or in sex, for that matter. He did this to me. At least, he made me do this to myself. Or maybe it was just me, allowing my insecurities to consume what was left of my innocence.

“I loved you, you know.” I told him without looking at him. 

This is a big step for me. I’ve not told anyone. The only reason Hao knows is because he can read minds. Sneaky bastard.

Ren stares at me with a blank expression. His mouth opens, but no words come out.

“When we were kids.” I add this unnecessary clarification. “I fell in love with your unstable ass during the Shaman Fight, so when you came to my room that night, I was hoping things would go in the direction they did.” 

“How do you feel about me now?” He asks me with no emotion in his voice. 

“I still like you. But, I think I’m in love with your memory. Eight years is a long time; you could be a completely different person now. You should be. Also, I don’t think it’s healthy that I think about you as often as I do.”

“So, what happened last night was…?”

“Me trying to hold on to a memory.” I surprise myself with what I say. I realize that I’m silly for wanting more. I know it is absurd to carry a torch for so long. For all I know, we’re completely incompatible. 

“How did it make you feel?” His questions confuses me. Not because I don’t understand feelings, but because I don’t know how it made me feel. I. Just. Feel. 

“I was pretty drunk,” I turn to him smirking, “so, I was feeling a lot of things.”

“Allow me to rephrase the question: did it feel right to you?”

“Well, it didn’t feel wrong.” 

Unsatisfied with my answer, Ren moves closer to me. He places his hand gently under my chin, lifts it and kisses me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised this chapter would be longer, but I guess it wasn't by much ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> I hope no one is weirded out by what just happened. My headcanon is that Ren is a biromantic demisexual. I mean look at him. Also, I want to clarify that I'm not into incest and am not trying to make this fic go in that direction.
> 
> S/O to ShatteredLyre for changing my life back in the day with The Heavy Hearts Brigade on FFN. This chapter was very much inspired by you.


	5. On the Couch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The slow Sunday morning continues with a final round of questions on the couch.

I give in to his kiss. I kiss him back and he runs his free hand through my hair. His long eyelashes tickle my skin. My hands navigate towards his thighs. I pull back, remembering that his son is sleeping on my bed and I better stop this before it escalates. How I want this to escalate. 

Ren puts his forehead on mine and breathes deep.

“This feels right to me.” His voice is steady, his hands grip my shoulders gently, and I want to throw myself into the sun. 

_ WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST HEAR?! _

“I’ve wanted something like this to happen for a long time, but now that it has, I don’t know what to feel.” I whisper. I look at him without a legible expression on my face. 

“Tell me what’s on your mind.” 

“What is this? Why are you here?” My questions make him raise his eyebrows. I can feel his forehead wrinkle our intertwined bangs. 

“I like you.” He says those three words like it was no big deal. Where was the Ren that would avoid all conversation pertaining to feelings? He grew the fuck up, Pirika. Look, here he is just where you wanted him to be all this time. Why are you full of doubt?

“Since when?” Fuck, Pirika! What did I  _ just _ say? 

“For a while now.” 

“You don’t know me.” I don’t scoff the words at him. Rather, I say with sadness, trying to address that I’ve changed and I’m not the Pirika he once knew. 

“I’ve been in touch with Horohoro ever since we met up last year. He tells me about you and how you’re doing.” 

Wait, does he  _ ASK _ about me? Is this creepy?

“You like the image that my brother sells of me.” I can hear him exhale, his breath tickles my nostrils. 

“Pirika...”

“What did he say?”

“He said you’re a hard worker and that you’re doing well in school. He told me how you keep making your trinkets to sell in the onsen. He told me how you’re still kind and supportive of him. That you played a big role in helping him settle here in Tokyo. He also told me how you seem lonely and that he feels bad because he doesn’t know what to do.”

“That’s what makes you like me?” I don’t want to address the fact that my brother perceives my loneliness. Either he knows me better than the credit I’ve give him or I don’t hide it as well as I think I do. 

“That and I remember how you were. I remember your smile and your tears. And I remember that night we spent together.”

“You’re holding on to an old memory of a person that no longer exists.”   
“Aren’t you doing the same?”

I stayed silent, not knowing how to proceed. No one tells you how to handle these kinds of situations. We both like the people we once were. It’s like we want to take comfort in the shadows of our former selves. I’m not trying to cling onto my youth. I doubt he’s trying to do the same. So, what is this?

“Besides,” he moves his hand from my shoulder to my hair, “it’s not like we’re completely different people than we were before.”

“You’re a lot better at expressing yourself.” I point out. He lets out a soft chuckle. 

“You’re still beautiful.” He sounds sincere in his kind words. 

This is news to me. I have never been told I am beautiful, much less by Ren. I know I have a cute face and a hot body, but beautiful? No, beauty is reserved for the people whose presence lights up the room in a fraction of a second. Beauty is found in those with a pure heart and a good soul. I have used too many people for my sexual satisfaction for me to be beautiful. I’ll take pretty, but beautiful I don’t believe. 

“Ask me how many people I’ve used for…” I look over to check if Men is still asleep. I see his little chest rise and fall slowly, but I decide to censor myself just in case he can overhear us, “ _ pleasure _ over the past eight years.” 

He looks at me, his face tells me he heard my cue, “Does it matter?”

“Ask me.”

“How many?”

“Fifteen.”

“Fifteen?” he asks without judgement. 

“With you, sixteen.”

“So?”

“I used them. It’s not like they were unwilling, but…” I don’t know how to go on.

“But?”

“Most of them wanted more, but I just wanted to keep things physical.”

“Did they know?”

“Yes.”

“Then, how is it bad?”

“Because it was shallow. Each time.”

“Did you enjoy yourself?”

“That’s the problem. I enjoyed myself leaving people who were pining after me. If they were apathetic about me recusing myself from their lives, I felt like I wasted my time.”

“Would you do it again?”

“I might.”

“But not to me.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because you actually like me.”

“You’re so smug about this.”

“Pirika, that night we spent together meant something to me. It wasn’t what I was looking for, but it was what I needed. I spent many years feeling like I had hurt you, which is why I didn’t make an attempt to contact you. I wanted to give you space. Talking to Horohoro this past year -- the way he talk about you, he’s very proud. It made me want to get to know you again. Then, I saw you last night and it just made sense to me. I like you.”

“So, what are you gonna do about it?”

“I want to know if you’re willing to date me.”

“Only if I like what I see. We’re different people. Let’s get to know each other again.”

“Alright.”

“Okay.” Neither of us know what to say next. I check my clock on the wall. We still have about two hours before we go to the onsen for brunch. What are we going to do for two whole hours? There is no instruction manual on how to keep an ex-lover (possible future romance) entertained while his son takes a nap on your bed. 

I decided to take the first step in this whole reacquainting business. I don’t have the time for this courting process to be dragged out like we’re in high school. 

“Lay down on my lap.” I instruct him.

“Why?” 

“Just do it. I have some questions for you.” He complies and positions his head and shoulders on my thighs, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

“Can I ask you about your family?

“Yes.”

“How are they?”

“They’re doing well.”

“How’s Jun?”

“She has mastered equipping zombies with firearm technology. Apart from that, she lives a very happy life with Pyron.” 

“They can’t have kids, can they?”

“Not unless they adopt.”

“Will they?”

“I don’t think they want any. She’s comfortable just being an aunt to Men. They spoil him constantly.” I remember that Lee Pyron had a wife and children before he was turned into Jun’s toy. I wonder if he thinks about them when he sees Men. I wonder if he thinks about his wife. I wonder if Jun still feels guilty for treating him the way she did before Yoh set her on the right path. I wonder how they manage to have sex, if they have any. I mean, Pyron is a zombie how can he -- ew, don’t go there. Change the subject, quick. 

“How come no one was informed about your wedding?” I decide to get personal.

“We eloped. Not even my parents attended the ceremony.”

“Were they happy about that?”

“They were not. After I gave them the news, my father told me that he would have accepted my child regardless of our marriage. Men would still be allowed to bare the Tao name and be my heir. They accepted Jeanne all the same.”

“Would you have married Jeanne had you known that?” I pull no punches. 

“I’m uncertain.” There is no hesitation in his voice. 

“And your parents treat Men well?” 

“They spoil him more than Jun does. If Men ever wants anything, he knows that my father is willing and able to give it to him.” His response makes me smile. 

“Do you like being a dad?”

“Honestly,” he pauses and breathes deep, “ it’s terrifying. There’s this person that I created who is completely helpless without me. I have to know what to do at all hours of the day to keep him safe and healthy. He relies on me, whether or not I am physically there with him.  I have to put aside my needs, my desires, and fears in order to be a good dad. But, it’s also nice.” Ren’s tone changes from lukewarm to warm. The edges of his mouth curl into a smile as he talks. “There’s this little creature who is always happy to see me. I get to see him experience things for the first time. I get to see the world through a fresh pair of eyes --  I think it’s made me less cynical.”

“Wow.” I look down at him. “You, less cynical?”

“Shocking right?”

“Incredibly.” Ren laughs at my answer. 

“Why are you asking me all this?” His smile is barely visible, but I know it’s there. 

“Because if you’re serious about this, I want us to be able to talk about everything. I see no point in delaying being open with each other. I want to get to know you.”

“In that case, continue.”

“You mentioned that in order to be a good dad, you have to put away your fears. What’s your biggest fear?”

“That my son will grow up in the same hell I did.” Ren remains calm.

“From what I’ve seen, you’re a great dad.” 

He says nothing.

“My dad is a single father, too.” Take my hand and cup Ren’s cheek. “He did his best, making sure we had everything we could ever want. But, he never did try to understand us fully. There was a time that my brother was supremely depressed and he did nothing.” I remember when Onii-chan was living through the loss of Damuko. “He did nothing even though he knew what it felt like to feel like you’re continuously falling into an endless abyss. I don’t think you’re going to be like that. You managed to climb out of that darkness and come out a better person. I have no doubt that you’re always going to be a good dad.”

His eyes stare into mine. I am able to read nothing. His blank stare is starting to make me feel like I’ve said too much. Suddenly, he smiles and caresses my cheek in return, finally uncrossing his arms. Ren sits up,

“It’s your turn, now.” His voice remains calm and collected.

I lie down on his lap, not knowing what to do with my arms. I opt for allowing one hand to rest on my stomach, while the other plays with my hair. 

“Just start talking. I don’t know what to ask.”

I tell him about moving down here and living on my own for the first time. I tell him how school keeps me busy and what I want to do with my degree. I tell him about how I was worried how Kororo would react to the news of my brother getting married (she’s fine with it). I tell him how Tamao is a good fit for Horohoro. His body relaxes when I assure him that my brother will want for naught with her at his side. Ren still cares deeply about him, I can tell. 

We continue to talk for the next two hours. It feels comfortable and freeing. For so long, I haven’t had anyone with whom I can talk. Usually, I keep things to myself. If things get a little too much for me to handle on my own, I share my concerns with Onii-chan or Tamao. Rare as it may be, allowing them to help me carry the burden of my everyday life makes me feel loved and cared for. If Ren and I begin to date, when will I tell Onii-chan? Should I tell him and Tamao at the same time? How will Onii-chan react? Will he feel like Ren is taking advantage of his sweet little sister? 

When it’s time to head over to the onsen, we wake up Men gently. Leaving my apartment, Ren carries his son in one arm, the other busy holding my hand. I carry the diaper bag, not being able to help but feel like we’re a family. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a very hard chapter for me to write. I feel like the dialouge is sappy D:
> 
> I felt the need to make this its own separate chapter because getting to know someone you once knew is slow and arduous. Just like this fic, apparently.
> 
> Next chapter will pick up and we'll finally move on from Sunday.


	6. And So, It Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Testing the waters.

**Part I: Something Old, Something New**

 

Arriving at the onsen, we find my brother and his fiancée folding laundry on the deck. They talk merrily without a care in the world. I’m happy my brother has found someone with whom it is so easy to get along. They look so effortlessly happy by being in each other's presence. I wonder if Ren and I will ever look like that to someone. I hope our relationship develops to that point. 

Onii-chan notices us approaching and gives us a big smile. Although we are no longer holding hands, we still arrive together, I am still holding Men’s diaper bag. 

“Hey, Tao! You didn’t try anything with my sister, did you?” Onii-chan teases, not knowing that he doesn’t want to hear the truth. He thinks he’s being clever. If only he knew. 

“Of course not.” Ren technically isn’t lying. I came on to him. He didn’t try anything with me, while I had him strip in my apartment and keep me company for the night. He was a perfect gentleman. 

“I knew I could count on you.” Onii-chan finger-guns Ren with a SNAP and goes back to folding. “She’s too good for you, anyways.”

“Onii-chan, you say that about everyone.” I play along, acting more innocent than I am.

“Well, it’s true!” Onii-chan crosses his arms, wrinkling the t-shirt in his arms. Tamao looks at him, bemused. He hands over the t-shirt with big puppy eyes for Tamao to fix. Noticing the baby in Ren’s arms, Onii-chan stands.

“Hey, Little Man, how you doin’?” Onii-chan puts his hand up in front of Men. “High five!” The child in Ren’s arms cautiously, but willingly, high fives Horohoro. My brother smiles and takes Men out of Ren’s arms. He looks so natural carrying a baby. Then again, Onii-chan’s always liked kids. 

Tamao turns to Men and pats him on the head. 

Men doesn’t seem to mind being around them. He seems a lot more at ease with them than he did with me earlier today. Looking at the scene made me sure that these two are going to make great parents. 

We head inside with the others. Everyone from last night who isn’t on a plane is already here, prepping and getting ready to eat. 

The onsen is alive with my old friends talking, laughing, and drinking. I am able to enjoy the ambiance a lot better than I was able to last night. Yoh’s BoB album plays in the background. 

I see Seyram and Redseb gathered around a smaller table with Opacho and Hana. Opacho looks like she’s reading a book, while Hana colors. Tamao takes Men to join the young ones. Hana gives Men some crayons and a blank sheet of paper. He scribbles in purple and blue. 

Brunch goes smoothly. Ryū ’s food is amazing, as always. The conversation topics range from making an annual get-together to taking a group vacation somewhere. We all miss each other so much, the room is filled with love and companionship. There are a lot of hugs given and kind words spoken. 

I’ve missed this. 

Petty arguments and disagreements that we had years ago melt away and leave behind deep appreciation for one another. The Shaman Fight is brought up a few times, reflecting on how far we’ve come and how much we still have to go. 

Most of us aren’t millionaires or internationally renown, but we’re happy just having such an incredible group of friends. I am truly grateful for the people I have in my life. I realize how much I needed their constant validation and support these last eight years. I’m not letting them go again. Especially not Ren. Even if things don’t work out between us romantically, I’ll always want him as my friend. 

I want this to work out.

After we eat, the younger kids are put down for a nap. Manta is the first to leave, excusing himself due to having to work early tomorrow morning. Being the head of his company, he has to be in good shape at all times. 

Hao stops by to bug us; his reception is better than last night’s. He and Mari sneak off for a while. 

Redseb, Seyram, and Opacho all leave together to go see a movie. 

Chocolove, whose sentence was reduced and sprung out of prison early due to good behavior, leaves to catch his plane later tonight. He now heads an organization for troubled youth in the States. He’s healing people with the power of laughter.  _ Laughter. _ Laughter like the kind that has been echoing through the onsen all afternoon. Laughter that eases minds and comforts lost souls. Laughter that makes you feel like you belong.

_ I belong.  _

Ren decides to leave at around 6:30, leaving me a bit disappointed that he doesn’t stay long enough to accompany me home. Before he goes, he takes me aside and tells me that he’s in town for a few more days and would like to spend them with me. I agree and put my number into his phone. I tell him to text me in the morning so I can get up and be ready in time. 

_ This is real. _

I go home after helping clean up. There isn’t much of a mess, but I wash dishes and help Ryū prep the kitchen for tomorrow. I go home alone, taking in the few stars I can see in the night sky. The air is warm and comforting. Even though today got off to a weird start, it made me feel like my boring life was going to take a turn for the exciting and pleasantly chaotic. I don’t know how I’ve lasted this long with an uneventful life after the Shaman Fight. I need the commotion like a fish needs water. 

Arriving at home, I check my cellphone. I get a message from Ren telling me that his hotel has a pool Men’s been eyeing and to bring a swimsuit. He even texts me his room number, which judging by the floor, is the penthouse suite. The penthouse suite of one of the most expensive hotels in Tokyo for a man only a year older than me and his two-year-old son. Show off.  

I go to bed emotionally exhausted in the best possible way. I realize that my life is going in a generally positive direction. I’m a top student in my class, my brother is getting married to one of my best friends, and Ren … Ren is back  in my life. If this is a dream, don’t wake me. 

  
  


**Part II: Testing the Waters**

 

I wake up early to the sound of my loud alarm, take a quick shower, eat a small breakfast, and dress for the day. I decide to wear a sensible one-piece bathing suit under my tank top and shorts. I don’t want to be ostentatious or like I’m trying too hard, especially in front of Men. 

Normally when bathing suits and suitors are involved, I like to show as much skin as possible. I like to watch the desire in their eyes grow. I love to watch them fidget and wish they could throw me down and ravish me on the spot. I get immense satisfaction from watching their frustration skyrocket when they can’t touch me the way they want to because we’re in public, that they make any excuse to get me alone. I know how to play people; I don’t want to play Ren. I want him to see me as a person worth getting to know, not a sex trophy. 

With a final glance at myself in the mirror, I fix my fair and walk out of my apartment. The nerves start getting to me as I close the door.  _ Calm down, Pirika.  _ Today is going to be a good day. 

When I get to his hotel, I feel out of place in the worst way. Here I am, dressed like a schoolgirl on holiday, and there the other patrons go, dressed like they’re about to change the world. Quickly, I find the elevators to take me to Ren’s room. Gilded and glass, the elevator I step into is wide and impressive. 

A team of people who look like important executives hop in with me, chatting on their cellphones in very demanding voices. If things with Ren and me go well, will this be my life? The Farm Girl in booty shorts and spaghetti-straps next to a three-piece-suit-wearing business tycoon? Shouldn’t Ren be with someone more refined? Jeanne had the perfect finishing school education and she didn’t last. Maybe what he needs is the eccentric Ainu girl from Hokkaidō. At this point,  I can only hope. 

I get to his penthouse suite, trying not to act impressed at his luxurious amenities.  _ Oh, is that a private kitchen with the option of a personal chef? No big deal. The master suite is larger than my entire apartment? Too bad the decorator wasted the space by making it look barren and without personality? So, the place comes with a gold toilet? Unimpressive and wasteful. You spend ¥10,000 per night? Chump change.  _ Of course, Ren didn’t point any of this out; he has manners. What I didn’t expect was that the pool Men had been eyeing was inside their suite and extends out into the balcony. An infinity pool. 

Here, I thought I’d be diving into a pool filled with rich strangers who won’t even get their head wet because they’re too busy making deals via bluetooth devices, and rubbing elbows with kids that have more in their bank accounts than I do. Turns out, I’ll be swimming and lounging in a private pool without having to care about bringing down Ren’s appearance. I can relax. 

The day goes by swimmingly (pardon the pun). Ren has a personal chef make us a delightful lunch and I get to spend the day living the high life. This is new to me, somewhat. I like it. 

We talk and get to know each other in small increments. I get to see how he interacts with his son in private. How Men always looks to his dad for guidance. How Ren regularly asks his son if he’s having a good time or needs something. 

It makes me feel accomplished when Men wants me to catch him as he repeatedly jumps into the pool from the tall ledge. I’ve never been hit in the face with floaties so many times before. 

The day ends with us smelling like chlorine and excited to see each other again. Men asks me if I want to go to the zoo tomorrow. I tell him that I would like nothing more. Ren and I make plans to meet early in the morning to make the most of the day. He has to catch a plane to China on Wednesday at midday and wants to make sure Men has enough time to rest. 

The zoo also goes well. We walk around all the whole damn thing, taking our time at each of the enclosures. The weather is perfect for a summer day, it made holding Ren’s hand easy since our palms don’t get sweaty. Men is excited to see the komodo dragon, disappointed to find out that it’s the closest thing to a real dragon he’ll see today. We eat frozen lemonade and buy animal-shaped balloons. I get Men and myself matching safari explorer hats. We wear them for the rest of the day. 

It’s weird seeing Ren take a stroller around the zoo, giving in to his son’s every whim and desire. He mentions how he doesn’t get to spoil Men much since he’s usually off with Jeanne and Lyserg. And when he does see his son, Ren is often too busy at work to come home early, so he only gets to see Men in the mornings, just before Men goes to bed, and half the day on Sundays. 

Jeanne and Lyserg keep Men for two weeks and then ship him to China for the next two. Ren worries about Men’s schooling, having half a mind to homeschool his son, just as he and Jeanne had been, in order for the boy to be able to see both his parents without classes and grades getting in the way. Being a single parent seems taxing.

After the zoo, I join the boys back to their hotel room. Men asks me to read him a bedtime story. To my astonishment, he hands me a book of Chinese mythology - no watered down fairytales here. I read him one that involves a dragon, since he’s all about that right now. Putting Men to bed is easy: pajama the boy, brush his teeth, tuck him in, read to him, and  _ voila _ ! The child sleeps soundly when we left the room. I realize that Ren does this every night. The patience he’s developed from having a son is impressive. Being a parent is wild. 

Ren and I sit down on the couch in the lounge area of his suite. The white leather couch is twice the size of mine. I hate white leather. 

Exhausted, we cuddle on the couch, staring out at the sunset. You can see most of Tokyo from his room. 

We don’t say anything, but so much is being conveyed through our physical actions. Ren’s arm is wrapped around my shoulder, gently stroking my arm. My legs rest on his lap, while my head is tucked under his chin. We fit like a puzzle. My body is calm. I can feel his heartbeat and I am happy. I’ve never experienced something like this before. Has Ren? Is this what he and Jeanne used to be like?

My anxiety gets the best of me, wanting to distract myself from my thoughts of hopelessness, I kiss Ren. He kisses me back with more tongue than I had given him. I would be turned on if it weren’t for the thought of his son in the other room. I just can’t do  _ things _ knowing that there’s a child nearby. 

I break the kiss, placing my hand on his cheek and ask him if he’d like to continue, he has to ask me out. He laughs,  _ leave it to Pirika _ . I like to feel like I’m being pursued, not like I’m the one asking to be loved. 

“Go out with me.” Ren says. It isn’t a question, nor is it a suggestion, it's a straight up command. His self-assurance turns me on. 

“Okay.” I smile at him, pressing my forehead against his. I give him a quick peck on the lips before burrowing my head between his neck and shoulder. He hugs me close to his body and lets out a deep breath. Ren hasn’t changed that much, after all. 

 

We decided to hold off on having sex until we can decide whether or not this will work out. He tells me he doesn’t want to rush into anything and base our relationship off of physical pleasures and I agree. 

Normally, I sleep with my suitors and boyfriends about a day or two of “dating”. The quickest I’ve ever hopped into bed with someone was after an hour and a half of meeting them. I regret nothing. He was very hot. This, however, is a challenge for me. I don’t know how to be vulnerable. All I know is how to build walls around me and keep people out. I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. I only know how to be a lover -- and a shallow one, at that. I’ve never had those late night talks that fade into the morning. I’ve never told anyone that I love them in a romantic way. I don’t cuddle after sex and I don’t hold hands during. Or, rather, haven’t yet. 

What the hell does a girlfriend even  _ do _ ? I want to ask my friends in relationships, but that would sell me out. Besides, Anna is Anna and all she does is boss Yoh around. Maybe she’s warmer behind closed doors. Mari and Hao are always fighting about something. Tamao and Onii-chan, while inspiring, are … classic? They do all that gooey B Movie bullshit where they go out on wholesome dates on Friday nights and get back at a reasonable hour. Although, he’s taken her on a few overnight trips to Hokkaidō, I doubt their love life is exciting. 

I don’t expect Ren to be a mushy, teenage romance novel boyfriend. I don’t expect him to call me everyday or to text me with emoticons. I don’t expect him to want to have deep, meaningful conversations in the wee hours of the morn’ after a good roll in the hay,  _ if _ we ever get there. 

But, what if he  _ is _ that kind of boyfriend? What if he’s the kind of guy who likes to take late night walks around the park and look at the moon? I mean, I love astronomy, so why am I complaining? Does he hold hands and kiss pretty? Will he tell me that I look good when I show up to our dates? Will we have dates out on the town like normal people or will we be secluded in my apartment since we’re keeping this hush-hush? 

When it’s time to leave, he tells me that he'll be in touch. I tell him to take care and thank him for everything. Before I turn my back and make my way towards the elevator, he kisses me passionately and holds my hand until I slip away. He doesn't shut his door until he sees the elevator doors closing. 

I go home thinking about what this means for me. Young Pirika is throwing a party inside my brain, rejoicing that the one she loves is back in her life. Sober Adult Pirika, while content, is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ren is a great guy. He's a hard worker and loves his son. He wants to take his time to get to know me before sex has the chance to cloud either of our judgements. Damn, Pirika, maybe you found someone worthy of dating.  
  
I don't realize how giddy with excitement I am until I reach my apartment. 

I catch myself smiling in the bathroom mirror. I keep thinking about the future I have with Ren. I'll consider myself lucky if we make it more than six months, there's always a chance the situation will get too difficult. After all, a lot of variables that can hurt our relationship can come into play. 

First, there's Men. He's not a problem,  _ per se _ , but what if he doesn't like me? Ren doesn't seem like the type of person to tell his son to suck it up. He'll figure that the boy must have a good reason for not trusting me and break it off. 

Second, there's the distance. Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is. How much harder will it be to date the head of a multibillion dollar corporation? 

Finally, there's Horohoro. Everything about Nii-chan will make this tricky. Nii-chan and Ren are best friends, the chances of Nii-chan taking the news well are slim. Not to mention that Ren used to be in love with him. Oh, Pirika, this could get bad.  
As I fall asleep, I think about the last two hours Ren and I spent overlooking this life-changing city. I gently brush my lips with my fingertips, still in disbelief that exactly what I wanted fell into my lap in a matter of hours. _Wow._

I decide to not focus on the potential problems. Everything has a solution. If it doesn't work out, it won't be because I toyed with him nor will it be because our relationship is based on sex. This makes me feel better. 

I look forward to our future. 

I look forward to our first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be NSFW


	7. Here (In Your Arms) by Hellogoodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The NSFW chapter. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If smut makes you uncomfortable, I've put in page breaks that divides the chapter into 3 sections. The Second section is the smut, which takes place on the same day as the end of the first section and the beginning of the third.

**Part I: I Like Where We Are**

 

I'm not nervous, although I feel like I should be.

Ren's plane landed and he's on the way to pick me up for our first official date. It's only been a week since we started dating, but somehow, I feel like I never stopped talking to him. The gap that I once felt between us closed.

Everytime we speak, I feel naked - vulnerable, it scares me in the most delightful way. Given our past, I can be perfectly candid with him and he with me. We make eachother laugh and talk about various subjects at length. I know he's always been a smart kid, but Ren's knowledge never ceases to impress me.

That year he spent traveling the globe opened his eyes and made him more insightful than ever. If I were anyone else, he would annoy the hell out of me with his talks about traversing deserts under the scorching sun or almost getting arrested in small countries. But I just let him talk, imagining myself in those situations, wishing my life were still as exciting as it was when I was a child. I envy him in the most peculiar way; he was able to adjust to his life after the Shaman Fight by going on overseas excursions on his free time. Meanwhile, I stayed in Hokkaidō, mending a broken heart by the worst means possible and longing to be someone with more freedom and control over her life.

I can't wait to be done with school. Having my degree will allow me to live the life I've missed for so long. It seems hard to believe that before I turned fifteen I had lived in tents all over Japan, been to America and a lost continent. It all ended with bang and a whimper, leading me to a mundane existence of traditional schooling and normal people.

Moving to Tokyo gave me a rush I hadn't felt in a while. Though life here can sometimes be stale, the people in my life make it worth every second. I hope Ren can become a permanent part of my new life. I hope he and I can have many adventures together, that we never settle into the boring life of mortgages and insurance payments without a fight. Complacency has never been our friend.

Ren hasn't told me what he has planned for tonight. For all I know, he could just want to stay home with me to build a pillow fort (highly unlikely) or go on a jewel heist (more likely). Either way, I'm stunning in my miniskirt and tall boots - a look reminiscent to when we were kids, only tighter. I take a look at myself in the mirror, turning to see myself from all angles.

Thirteen-year-old me would barely recognize the person I have become. I guess we share similar physical features, our long blue hair and big eyes, but we're different in so many ways. That Pirika was much more spirited and carefree. This Pirika is jaded and cautious. Oh, how I miss youthful naivety.

Awaiting his arrival, I clean my apartment best I can without it looking overdone. With nothing else to clean, I sit on the couch awaiting Ren's arrival like some vapid Jane Austen character. I feel so stupid. Every second seems like years, I'm growing older in wait. By the time he gets here, I presume my hair will be thin and white. Fortunately, a knock on my door snaps me out of my melodrama. Looking through the peephole, I see Ren adjusting his tie. What a dork.

"Hey, you." I flirt as I open the door. I give him a quick kiss before closing the door behind him. "How was work?"

"I spent this entire week dealing with a CEO, who all but started a cult in my honor, so I would absorb his company."

"What's it like to have your ass licked by a wealthy man?" I ask as I take his suitcase, placing it next to the doorframe.

"Be with me long enough and find out." Ren winks at me. He went there.

"Is that a promise?" I flirt back. Ren's face goes deep red. I smile at my victory.

"Before I forget, Men drew you something." Ren reaches into his breast pocket and takes out a folded up paper. He hands it to me, I unfold it carefully.

Drawn on the paper are two lopsided humanoids in crayon. I take the liberty to assume that the Streaky Blue Person is me, while the Streaky Purple Person is Ren. I have never felt the need to hug a child as immensely as I do right this second.

"You better hold on to that," Ren notices my smile, "that's a Tao Men original."

"Grooming him to be the next Michelangelo already?" I take the drawing to my fridge and stick it on with magnets.

"At this point, it looks more like a Van Gogh." Of course Ren knows about art history, why wouldn't he?

"You look like Grimace." I chuckle, not taking my eyes off the new artwork on my fridge. Ren raises his eyebrows at the drawing.

"Grimace?" He asks, not sure what the hell I'm talking about.

"You know, that McDonald's guy. The one who looks like a rotted Chicken McNugget."

"What?"

"Grimace! The red clown's purple friend?"

He squints and turns his head.

"Don't they have McDonald's in China?" I ask, now feeling like I've ruined it.

"They do, but I've never been to one."

"Of course you haven't," I say with zero surprise in my voice. "What's on the agenda for tonight?" I doubt it'll be clubbing and cocaine. Maybe it'll be something vanilla like dinner and a movie.

"Are you hungry?" Oh, great. Dinner and a movie.

"Very." I admit, trying not to sound disappointed.

"Good." He makes his way towards my door. "Let's go." I grab my coat and join Ren, opening the door. "You're not scared of heights, are you?"

"Nope." I assure him, now interested. "What are you planning?"

"Dinner." He replies like the cheeky bastard he is.

Ren's carriage is parked outside my apartment. So much for laying low. We get in and head to our destination about thirty minutes outside of the city. All the while, Ren refuses to answer with specifics of what the evening will entail. I begin to braid his hair in protest. He lets me, kissing my forehead when I least expect it. Damn jerk knows how to win me over.

The carriage finally stops in the middle of a vacant field. We walk for another five minutes downhill before I see it - a giant basket tied to an already-inflated hot air balloon. You have  _got_ to be fucking with me. What a show off. I love it.

Atop the balloon we are served fresh seafood - crab, shrimp, caviar, mussels, oysters, and lobster; I am struck with gratitude that I am not allergic to shellfish. We watch the sunset from high above and gaze at the bright stars once it's dark enough to notice them. The views range from grassy fields to the lit up city, twinkling like the stars above it. The night isn't windy nor is it cold out. Our conversations are pleasant, our bodies are never more than five feet away from each other. He holds my hand each chance he gets. Everything is perfect.

Three hours on a hot air balloon makes me wish that there were castles in the clouds, away from humanity. All I need is a little corner of heaven, where I can be at peace.

Our night ends with Ren at my apartment brewing tea after making out on my bed.

I run a bath for us to soak in. I'm not expecting nor trying to make things get sexy. I want to bathe with him in the most innocent way. To wash someone, to clean someone, seems really intimate to me. I wonder what his body looks like after all these years.

Ren walks into my bathroom holding two teacups. I set them on the ledge of the tub before undoing his tie. Windsor knot.  _Classic._ My fingers begin to work on his shirt buttons, taking the time to see how his body reacted to my touch. He doesn't mind when I start to hum. All he does is stare at me with observant eyes as if he's trying to record this moment so he can revisit it whenever he wants.

I take off his shirt and let it fall to the floor. Automatically, my hand heads for his Impressive Chest Scar that he received in the Shaman Fight. I trace the edges of the scar with my fingers, ignoring his well built chest. Finally, I place my palm on the top of the scar and follow it down to his stomach. Although I've done this before, the first time I did it, his scar was new and still very red. Time has made it turn a light pink color and rougher than I remember. Nevertheless, Ren died to get this scar, a thought that fills me with sadness.

He doesn't let me take off his belt. Instead, he begins to undress  _me,_ grabbing the bottom edges of my blouse and peeling it off me. He unhooks my bra by pulling me close to him, almost in an embrace. Ren gently removes my bra, then unbuckles his belt.

I undo the button to his pants and unzip his fly.

Ren unzips my skirt and it my skirt falls to my bare feet.

I tug his pants down, so they, too, pool at his feet.

We step out of our clothes, leaving nothing but our underwear on. I put my index finger up to signal the number one. After a second, I put up my middle finger: two. When my hand reads three, we both drop our underwear.

Neither of us look down. Reacting to each other's serious faces, we laugh. Ren pulls me in for a hug. It is so good to feel his bare skin on mine once more.

I sit Ren down on my little stool, slinging his hair over his shoulder so I can wash his back. His massive tattoo gleams under the phosphorescent lighting, the black ink unfaded. Does he retouch it often?

I take the shower wand and spray him with ice cold water. With a yelp, he jumps off the stool, grabs the wand out of my hand, and sprays me back.

I take a small bucket and throw the lukewarm water at him. He retaliates by spraying me back. I try to dodge his attack, using the bucket as a shield. We laugh during our water fight, forgetting that we are Certified Adults for the night.

Drenched and delightfully out of breath, I sit him back on the stool to wash him for real. I shampoo his long hair, taking a moment to style it into a wannabe beehive look from the 1960s.

I continue to wash his body carefully with a washcloth, familiarizing myself with forgotten terrain. There is nothing sexual about the way I handle his body. I feel like I'm an artist running my hands through my finished sculpture looking for imperfections, finding none.

We switch spots after he's squeaky clean. He handles me with as much care and attention as I showed him. I find out it's soothing to have someone else bathe you. At first, it's a bit uncomfortable to bare yourself to someone, allowing them to get into your nooks and crannies with the intention of making them clean again. Ren is gentle when he washes my hair, massaging my scalp tenderly. He constantly asks me if the water temperature is to my liking before spraying me down.

I take Ren's hand, guiding him to the tub to soak. He sits down first, allowing me to take the space between his legs. I lean back, he takes the opportunity to wrap his arms around me. The cooled tea chills on my tub's edge, reminding me that we've yet to drink it. I want to give him the tea, but I don't want to break free from this comfortable position. Instead, I let the tea stay on the ledge, mocking me. We sit in the tub enjoying each other's company, talking about nothing for a good while. Relaxed and ready for bed, we step out of the tub, dry each other off and head to my room.

Both tired after a long week, we barely make it to bed. It takes us less than five minutes to drift to sleep, wrapped in each other's arms. Today was entirely innocent, something new, but welcome.

Ren spends the rest of the weekend with me. I clean out my bottom dresser drawer and a portion of my closet for him to use. We go shopping for Japan Clothes for Ren to wear when he's here, so that he doesn't have to worry about carrying luggage from China. He mentions that it's only fair if I have space for my things in his home, suggesting that he'll take me to China soon. The prospect of being introduced to his parents as his girlfriend makes me weak with a mixture of anxiety and joy. I no longer worry about things happening too fast between us since I feel like we're meant to be in each other's lives. I only hope that we remain good friends if this romance fails.

Our month goes by like this. Ren comes to visit me on Fridays and stays until Sunday evening. Being able to see him every weekend makes it feel like we're not long distance. I manage to avoid making plans with Onii-chan and the rest of my friends on the days Ren comes to see me, opting to hang out during the weekday so they don't get suspicious. The dates we go on are always wonderful and somehow flashy. He does his best to impress me, not knowing that he doesn't need to do that anymore, he's already won me over. I'm content to spend the day with him like we do our Sundays: sitting at home, enjoying each other's company, playing board games, and listening to music while cleaning. We make quite the domestic couple, we come to discover. It makes me uneasy how comfortable I am with his information.

Men accompanies his father on the days Ren has custody of him. During those visits, Ren stays in a hotel so the young boy doesn't accidentally out us in front of anyone. As far as Men is concerned, I'm just a really good friend. He never sees us kiss or hold hands, as we've decided to still keep our relationship a secret. Neither of us know how to tell Horohoro yet, nor do we want to. We want to live in our undisturbed world for as long as possible, not owing anyone any explanations. No questions, no judgement.

I can't believe that a month has passed since we started dating. It's been a fun five weeks getting to know Ren in this context. Turns out, Ren is thoughtful and caring. While he doesn't talk much, he listens and empathizes better than most people I know. It's like he's trying his best to rid himself of the selfish asshole he was when he was much younger.

When our bubble finally has to pop, I'd like to know what he's like when we're with our friends. Honestly, I'd like to know what I'm like around them, too. I've never been in a relationship around them before. I don't yet know how I feel about public displays of affection, much less when involving someone who has let themselves become the Distant, Unfeeling Hardass of the Group.

I want to talk to him about it tonight. I want to ask him when he thinks the best time will be to drop this news on everyone. I can't see it going over smoothly, especially the longer we drag it out. I kind of feel like going over to the onsen tomorrow and getting it over with, accepting whatever response comes our way. We'll handle it like adults.

My doorknob shakes as Ren lets himself into my apartment. I made him a key two weeks ago and he can finally use it. Today, he's early. I was expecting him at a later hour, not quite ready to head out anywhere as we usually do on Friday nights.

"Hey, stranger." I greet him from my bed with half a cookie in my mouth.

"I brought some takeout." Ren holds up a bag of what smells like Mexican food. "What's with the outfit?"

"I met up with a professor of mine to go over a grant proposal." I say, as I get off my bed to help him set the food on the table. "What's in the bag?"

"Six-teen street tacos, four burritos, one order of enchiladas swisas, and two churros." Ren looks me up and down as he speaks. He's never seen me look business formal. It might seem odd to him to see lil' ol' Pirika from rural Hokkaidō be dressed in a pencil skirt and button down blouse. By the time he came home, my hair was already down, but marked by the hair tie and bobby pins that used to hold it up.

"What?" I try to act coy, but I know he's checking me out. Did I mention I can rock  _everything_  I wear?

"You look really pretty today." Ren kisses me on the forehead. Aw, that's sweet.

"Thank you." I smile at him, swaying my hips a little. I am tempted to undo the buttons of my shirt to tease him, but I don't want to make the situation awkward in case he's not ready to have sex with me. I turn around to get plates and glasses from the cupboards. Before I can complete my step, I feel Ren's hand grab me, his fingers between my skirt and tucked-in blouse. He holds me in place for a moment before reeling me in.

Ren spins me around, takes me in his arms, and kisses me hungrily. I return his enthusiastic kisses, resisting the urge to rip his clothes off. He begins to kiss my neck as he unbuttons my shirt.

_By Jove, I've done it._

I let out soft moans, running my hands down his back and gripping his tight ass. _Hello, buns._ Ren undoes my final button; eager to see what's underneath, he uses both hands to part the fabric, exposing my chest and abdomen.

I finish taking off my blouse.

Ren licks his lips, subtly. He's staring at my breasts, no doubt noting that they're considerably bigger since the last time he was this close to them. I take one of his hands and place it on my right breast. Ren fondles and kisses me.

I want more.

His shirt is in the way, I've decided. I loosen his tie enough for it to come off over his head.

He reads my mind and undoes all of his dress shirt buttons in a flash. A bare-chested Ren stands before me just as I finish getting his tie out of his hair.

I like what I see.

"I want you." I whisper into his ear. Ren picks me up and carries me to my bed. He drops me onto my mattress, kissing me as soon as my back hits the comforter.

This will be fun.

 

**Part II: Our Lips Can Touch**

 

I have been waiting for this moment for eight years.

"DILF." I say, tracing my hand over his Impressive Chest Scar.

"You did not just call me a DILF." He says, amused.

"Oh, I believe I just did." I wink at him.

"Don't tell me you have a daddy complex." He teases, a smile making its way across his face as he lifts my chin slowly so our eyes meet.

"I might." I run my hands down his still well-defined abs.  _Hot damn._

"Now I'm curious," he strokes my cheek with his hand, "what has been the largest age gap between you and a partner?"

"Um… ten years." I stop my hands at the top of his pants while licking my lips, itching to undo his button.

"Ten years? How old were you?" He starts to get serious.

"Seventeen." I admit, not making much of it and beginning to undo his pants button. I can't wait to get my hands on him.

"You had sex with a twenty-seven-year old? At  _seventeen_?!" Ren's eyes grow wide in concern. He holds my wrists so I can no longer do as I please. Party pooper.

"Yes! What  _is_  the big deal? It was consensual. It's all been consensual. I didn't know he was that much older until after - and it doesn't matter, anyway." I make slow, grasping movements with my fingers. So close, yet frustratingly unattainable.

"I just hate to think that he took advantage of you." His grip loosens around my wrists.

"Well, he didn't." I use this opportunity to reclaim the use of my arms and begin to tug at his waistband.

"You're so eager." Ren leans in to kiss my neck. Chills run down my back.

"I want you." I whisper into his ear. By now, his pants are down to his knees. Ren wiggles out of them completely, leaving nothing behind but his boxers. I can see his erection through the thin fabric. My eyes light up.  _Hello, I have missed you._

Ren slides his right hand up my abdomen slowly, barely making contact with my skin.  _What a tease._  His fingertips reach the bottom of my right breast and begin to trace the underside. I pull my bra up to expose my breasts. Ren takes my cue and squeezes my right breast, while he makes his way down my neck to my left breast, leaving a trail of kisses behind. He looks up at me as he licks my nipple playfully.

I let out a soft moan.

Soon enough, Ren takes my nipple into his mouth, sucking and licking, all the while playing with my right breast. My hands find their way into his hair, prompting his performance with grasps and tugs. I reward his ability to follow implied instructions with whimpers and moans.

The second he decides to switch his attention to my right breast, I throw my bra off and fling it to where I can see his clothes are. It lands somewhere between his shirt and pants. Not bad.

Again, Ren spends dedicated time licking and sucking my nipple, occasionally biting, making me pull his hair in pleasure. I can't remember if he was this good last time, but I'm enjoying myself immensely. Oh, how I've missed his touch.

My hands wander down his spine and make their way towards his ass. I take both cheeks into my hands and give them a tight squeeze. "Firm." I compliment him.

Ren kisses me in response.

"Undress me." I instruct him. Standing over me, Ren slowly undoes the zipper to my skirt. I lift my hips to help him get them off me.

"Cute." He stares at my underwear.  _Black lace all the way, homie._ I spread my legs, allowing him a preview of what he's seen before. I wonder if he remembers what I look like. Before I could continue teasing him, Ren runs a finger up the crotch of my panties, sending shivers down my spine. "You're wet."

I sit up my grabbing a hold of his boxers' waistband and hoisting myself upwards. This motion causes me to expose his silky, purple pubes and the base of his dick in one swift move.  _Nice._ Once sitting on the edge of my mattress, I slide his boxers off gently, allowing them to fall on the floor around his ankles.

"You're hard." I reply. I take in the sight. Did it look like this eight years ago? I can't remember what it looked like, but I can remember how it felt - a thought that sends blood rushing through me, making me quiver.

I reach out to take his member into my hand, stroking it gently. I look up while slowly pumping his flesh, making sure to brush the tip lightly. I can feel his cock harden in my hands and his knees begin to weaken.

"Undress me." I say again, ready to jump his bones.

Without hesitation, Ren slides his thumbs up my panties and rolls them off me. He steps out of his boxers. We are both completely naked, in the same state we were in that morning eight years ago when he broke me. Another time, another place.

I open my legs and place one of his hands on my wet pussy, all the while still stroking his hardening dick, making him arch his head back and say something under his breath. I smile like an evil scientist.

His fingers begin to part my lips, seeking entrance.

"Lie down." I say in a sultry voice. I take his hand off me, not letting go of his erection. Once his back hits the mattress, I pepper kisses down his chest and stomach, making my way to to his erection in my hand. When I reach his pubes, I breathe in deep and stop stroking. Firmly grasping the base, I look into his eyes and lick the tip of his dick slowly.

Ren's hips shake, he lets out a barely audible moan.

I kiss his dick, making sure my lips linger for as long as possible before putting it into my mouth.

Ren's hands find the back of my head, encouraging me.

Pleased, I begin to suck and stroke his hard cock. I alternate between that and licking up and down his shaft, circling the tip with my tongue. Both his hands now grasp my hair tightly and I can feel his lower muscles constricting. Once more, I envelope his dick with my mouth and suck while stroking. After a few minutes of this, I feel his grip on my hair loosen, as he holds my head in place. His muscles contract as he releases into my mouth. The taste is bitter, but not sour. Then very carefully, I pull myself off him and open my mouth once he sits up, showing him all the cum before I swallow. The warmth coats my throat. I lick my lips.

Ren pulls me down onto his chest and holds me tight. His breathing is rigid, I can feel his heart pounding. He kisses my forehead. "You're amazing," he whispers into my hair.

I know I'm amazing, but it's different coming from someone who is known for being hard to impress. The trick is in the wrists.

I let him regain his composure before sitting up and kissing him deeply. He whispers my name on my lips as we part. Ren grabs my waist and flips me on my back, our long hair dramatically falling to our sides. His hand makes it back down towards my stomach, making small, evanescent circles on my hips with his fingertips. He leaves a trail of kisses down my neck all the way to where my thighs meet. He nuzzles himself between my thighs, using his nose to nudge my legs apart.

I do not give in. I want to play.

Sensing that I won't be spreading my legs because he wants me to, Ren looks up at me and smirks. In an instant my legs are thrown in the air, one of his hands holding me by the ankles. I can see my toes wiggle above me. His free hand glides a finger up my wet slit before he kisses it, his warm tongue gliding over my exposed flesh. I audibly let out a deep breath and grip my comforter beneath me.

Two fingers enter me.

_Yes!_

I spread my legs, undoing his grip, allowing him to pleasure me to his full potential. Grinding my hips on his face, I can feel his nose play with my clit. The pace of his fingers quicken, reacting to my muscles contracting.

I drape my legs over his shoulders, he elevates my hips and keeps eating me out with fervor. I pull and pinch my nipples as I moan, wanting to cum. Finally, after several intoxicating minutes of having Ren's head buried between my legs, I orgasm. My entire body shakes. I didn't know he could do that.

Satisfied with his work, Ren gives me a deep kiss. He gently traces circles on my stomach and lies down next to me. I want to tell him that I'm impressed by how good he's gotten.

"Fuck me." I look him in the eyes. Ren's face becomes excited and energized. I roll over to my nightstand and take out a condom, swiftly ripping the wrapper open with my teeth. I place the open packet in his hand. He turns from me to put it on.  _Aw, he's shy._  I kiss his back right above his buttcrack to tell him that I think he's a cutie.

He makes his way to the foot of my bed, placing himself in front of my mattress. He grabs me by the hips and slides me towards him, spreading my legs to his sides. He looks up at me for reassurance, positioned for action.

"Fuck me." I say again, tilting my head upwards to watch him. He leans in to kiss me once more before entering me, taking his time to feel my warmth and the movement of my muscles. I receive him easily, moving my hips to accommodate him within me. He's not the biggest that I've been with, but big enough to cause some initial discomfort. He slowly starts to move himself in and out of me, grinding his hips while holding my legs open. His serious face is laughable, but I hold it in to not discourage him.

I motion for him to come closer to me, missing his kisses.

Ren leans in, I cup his face with my hands and kiss him deeply.

I can feel his serious expression melt away. He smiles as his kisses me. Our foreheads meet, he lets out a deep breath of relief. For the life of me, I can't imagine why he's so nervous.  _You're doing well, buddy._

Ren kisses my neck as he fucks me, I moan in his ear for encouragement. My breathing becomes heavy and jagged. He places his hand on my cheek to ask me how I'm doing, looking at me with the most sincere expression I have ever seen from anyone in my life: a mixture of serenity and concern.

I kiss his hand in response. Ren smiles at me and quickens his pace, emitting soft grunts.

I almost want to giggle at the barely audible noises he's making.

I stretch my leg across his chest and over his shoulder to allow him to get a better angel. This seems to please him, fucking me harder and faster, his balls slapping against my ass rhythmically.

His lips part slightly.

_Yes!_

I begin to rotate my hips in coordination with his movements, my hands tracing his muscular arms.

His eyes are now downcast, enjoying the view of him fucking me. He brings his hand towards my open mouth, I lick and suck his thumb. His wet thumb finds my clit, making small circles, intensifying my pleasure.

I can feel my body heat rise. My back arches. His cock feels incredible.

Ren slides himself out of me entirely.

_Oh, I know what he wants._

I flip over to my knees. My arms are now under me. I stick my ass in the air.

He lowers my hips into the perfect height so he can take me from behind. He enters me once more, this time without the caution that he had shown earlier. His hands remain on my hips as he fucks me harder than he had before.

I try to muffle my loud moans by burying my face into a pillow. Ren crouches over me to grab one of my breasts while he fucks me. His other hand finds my clit and begins to rub it tenderly.

I am overcome by sensations. I scream his name.

He rams into me harder in response.

I can feel myself dripping wetness as he pounds me. I grip my sheets, bracing myself for more.

Once again, he slides out of me.

Ren sits on the edge of my bed, pulling me on his lap. I sit on his dick, wrapping myself around his lasting erection. He's broken a sweat, but isn't panting like I soon will be. I begin to grind myself on his lap. Ren slowly leans back as I ride him. His mouth opens the tiniest sliver and his eyes close.

_Success._

Using my thighs, I bounce myself on top of him, his hips follow my lead. I run my hands across his chest, once again admiring his Impressive Chest Scar.

He notices me staring at it and sits up. He hugs me, our sweaty chests rubbing on each other as move up and down.

I'm about to reach my limit. My body begins to tingle. I can barely catch my breath. I bite down on his shoulder as I come for the second time with a loud moan.

He orgasms soon after me. He lays down, taking me with him. Still inside me, he kisses me with sloppy, lust-filled kisses, breathing heavily.

Ren kisses my sweaty forehead in between the wide gaps of my bangs. He pulls out, allowing me to slide off him and to his side.

I instinctively latch onto him, my leg stretched over his legs, my arm across his chest. My head is right under his chin.

He wraps his arm around me.

We don't speak for several minutes, taking in the still ambiance to collect ourselves.

 

**Part III: I Like Where We Are, Here**

 

Our breathing has gotten back to normal. The air smells like hormones and freed repression.

"I love you." Ren confesses nonchalantly.

I want to cry out of shock and joy.

I look up at him, "That's just the sex talking."

"I'm being serious, Pirika." He pauses, looking into my eyes, " After we happened the first time, I found out I can't have sex with people unless I love them. I love you, Pirika."

A giant smile forms on my face. Hearing my name come out of his mouth sends jolts down my body. I've never felt like this before. My heart races once more, "You love me?"

"Yes." Ren begins to blush.

"I love you." I kiss him. "I love you, Ren."

Ren smiles and holds me closer.

"Ren?" I ask, making small circles on his peck with my finger.

"Mm?" Ren breathes into my hair.

"Why were you nervous?"

It takes a while for Ren to talk, "You've been with a lot of guys. I didn't know how I would compare."

I have never heard Tao Ren, the man with the ego the size and the intensity of the sun doubt himself. I never imagined that he would be the kind of guy who was sexually insecure.

"That's silly." I giggle.

"Is it, now?"

"Yep." I pause, not knowing how to word what I have to say without sounding like a Lifetime Movie. "You know, this was better than anytime I have ever had."

"You're just saying that."

"I'm not. You wanna know why?"

"Hm?"

"Because you were different than anyone I've been with."

"How so?"

"I don't really know, but you made me feel … loved. I felt safe and like I could trust you to not hurt me. It felt right." I admit, feeling like a Lifetime Movie.

"To be honest, for a minute there, I felt like I was going too hard."

"When?"

"When I was taking you from behind. I was afraid I'd hurt you."

"Oh." I purse my lips. "That was actually pretty mild." I don't know if he'll take that as an insult.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I've been through a lot worse. You don't have to worry about breaking me." I smile at him reassuringly.

"So… the biting...?." Ren looks at the teeth marks on his shoulder.

"What, have you never had anyone bite you before or something?" I almost roll my eyes.

"Can't say I have." He runs his free hand up and down my thigh that has remained stretched across his legs. "You're something else."

"Ren?"

"Yes?"

"How many people have you been with?" I raise my eyebrow.

"Two." It all makes fucking sense now. Ren has only had sex with Jeanne and me. The first time we had sex while fun, was not spectacular. This time, in comparison, was more lively, but still vanilla. I'm starting to think Little Miss Good and Holy, while a delightful person, was not great in the sack. You would think she'd want to let loose after being repressed all those years.

"Was Jeanne bad in bed?" I ask, trying to not make it sound like gossip.

"Jeanne was… delicate."Ren answers, looking at the ceiling.

_Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner, Charlie._

"Oh my god, she was boring!" The expression on my face changed from smug to that of a child that just found out the candy machine dispenses two chocolate bars when you only pay for one.

"She wasn't boring," Ren defends his ex-wife's honor, "just delicate… Stop looking at me like that."

"You've never had fun sex, have you?" I know that "fun" varies from person to person. I'm not saying that Jeanne was bad in bed because she liked a more controlled environment, but it makes sense to me now as to why Ren thought he was going overboard with some of his moves. Poor guy just wanted to express himself.

"Of course I have!" Ren's face is now a bright crimson.

"Ah-huh." I don't believe him. "Ever spank someone?"

"No."

"Bite?"

"No."

"Used toys?"

"No." Ren now sounds irritated.

"Roleplay?"

"We tried… I couldn't… get into it." This confession convinces me that Ren really does love me. Which is good, because I really do love him.

"What was it?"

"I'm not telling." He sounds stern.

I pout.

"You know what this means?" I ask him while getting up and walking towards my table.

"What?" He sits up and watches me open the bag of food.

"We've got a lot to cover." I hand him a burrito. He hesitantly takes it from me.

"You eat in bed?" Ren doesn't take a bite until I nod my head.  _Oh my, looks like my work here far exceeds that of a bland sex life._

"Eat up, you'll need the energy."

We don't leave my apartment all weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a week late. Also, it is my longest chapter at about 6,500 words. This is my first time writing smut, as I think is evident, so, please forgive me for how terrible this is. As for the parts that porn, I hope you like them. I know the end sounds like I'm dissing people with calm sex lives, but I really don't feel that way. I know that everyone is different and some people just can't deal with anything other than vanilla sex for whatever their reason. There is nothing wrong with it. However, I have written Pirika to be sexually adventurous, so I believe "teaching" would be in character. Furthermore, this wasn't meant to be Jeanne bashing, either. I just can't imagine the girl doing much of anything.


	8. Three Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pirika and Hao have a lively conversation that leads to a discovery.

I don't feel well. I don't feel sick, but I just feel _off._

I hazily make my way to my kitchen to make myself some lunch. Decked out in sweatpants on this slow Monday afternoon, I decide that grilled cheese is the best food to compliment today's vibe. I turn my stereo to a chill rock station before engaging autopilot mode. In a matter of minutes, there are four grilled cheese sandwiches stacked on a plate in front of me. I know I shouldn't be eating greasy foods, but sometimes you gotta give into your cravings, man. You just gotta. I sit at my table to eat, something I don't do often enough.

It's been three months since Ren and I started dating. Horo and the others don't know yet. Maybe that's why I feel funky, the guilt is almost enough to kill me. Every time I see my brother or my friends I want to tell them. I mean, it's not a big deal. They all have their own lives. And, it's not like they made huge announcements when they started or ended relationships! Then again, they didn't hide it either. Everyone was just really chill about it. _Fuck._ I don't even have a valid excuse anymore, what am I supposed to say now? Sorry we didn't tell y'alls before, but we were having too much fun with our sex marathons? I don't think so.

I'm beginning to think that I should just tell Onii-chan by myself, that way if Horo gets angry, at least Ren will be in China where they can't get into a physical brawl. I do worry some chauvinistic bullshit will overcome my protective brother should he find out his best friend has been dating his little sister. Now I remember why I'm hesitant to talk to him about this. Like, I don't expect him to get all high and mighty and start preaching about honor, but I wouldn't be surprised. He's never had a real problem with any of my boyfriends, unless you consider being majorly indifferent towards all of them a problem. I don't want him to be indifferent about this one. I want him to care, but in the right way. I want him to tell us that we don't need his blessing at all and that it's silly to think he'll overreact; that he's surprised how long it's taken us to actually start dating or why he didn't think of setting us up when we were younger. I want a fantasy.

My door opens as Hao lets himself in. There's an aura about him that feels particularly wicked today. I know this feeling well. Normally, Hao is passively haughty and slightly annoying; when he gets in these moods he's downright cold and straight up obnoxious. He'll say anything that comes to mind, regardless of how hurtful it may be to others, just like Old Hao. He's sluggish, but full of repressed energy. He's upset at something and I'm afraid he wants me to be his chewtoy. There goes my quiet day.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask from my chair, not bothering to get up or stop chewing my grilled cheese.

"There's nothing to talk about." He takes a seat next to me, crosses his legs, and leans on his elbow, his Shaman King pose. "I'm hungry."

"I grilled cheese." I push my plate of 2 sandwiches closer to him. Hao makes a face.

"Do you have something that isn't smothered in butter? All you ever eat is greasy, foreign food." He pushes the plate back in my direction. Not wanting to provoke him, I get up and go to my fridge. I take out a few oranges that I had chilling and placed them in a bowl.

"You get oranges. I haven't had time to go grocery shopping." I place the bowl down in front of him. He stares at it for a second, obviously disappointed with what he's got.

"Of course you haven't had time, all you do now is lock yourself in here with your _boyfriend._ " He says that last word like a child mocking another child. Ass.

"Are you jealous that my boyfriend and I actually get along?" I retake my seat, determined to get him to talk to me about why he's come to torment me. Hao shoots me a nasty look.

"Mari and I get along just fine." He takes an orange and begins to peel it defensively.

"For a couple that gets along well, you sure do fight a lot." I needle him, taking a bite out of my third grilled cheese.

"That's none of your business." Hao snaps at me.

"It's my business when you come into my home angier than a jock on steroids!" I raise my voice at him without intending. Whoopsies.

Hao's face sports a devious smirk. He places the half-peeled orange back in the bowl. Oh no.

"Just tell me why you decided to come here if you were going to act like a jerk." I should have worded that more delicately, but I'm tired of having to babysit him through his bad moods. Hao rolls his eyes.

"Fine." He sighs like a teenager from a bad drama. "Mari and I got into the same fight." I knew it had to do with Mari! Score, Pirika. You're getting good at this.

"Who started it this time?"

"All I did was ask her what was wrong!" Hao raises his voice in exasperation. "She's been short with me for a while, so I asked her what was bothering her and she starts talking about how I look down on her for not being strong enough. She starts to nag me about not taking her into the Great Spirit and _then_ she asks me if I even plan to marry her! Like she's afraid she's wasting her time by dating the Shaman King! Really the nerve of that girl -"

"But you do look down on her." I interrupt Hao before he accidentally gets too worked up and sets something on fire. "And you don't plan to marry her."

"Of course not, she's not strong enough to be the Shaman Queen." Hao crosses his arms to emphasize his point.

"Well, then who is, Hao?" I snap at him again. "Who? Mari is one of the strongest shaman there is! Shit, she was on _your_ detail and kicked ass for fuck's sake! She fucked us up! If you're looking for strength, you got her! Or what, are you more focused on mental fortitude? Because the last time I checked, the reason she's so depressed is because after being abandoned and hunted as a _child_ , she found out that the person she loved, respected, and _served_ for most of her life thought of her as disposable!" I argue on Mari's behalf. Hao stays quiet, looking at me with disbelief. "It's a miracle that she trusts you enough to sleep with you! So, who are you looking for, Hao? Anna?"

"Don't be ridiculous." Hao grows angry and gets up from the table and walks towards the door.

"You can't run away from this one, Hao." He stops in his tracks at my words and turns to me. I walk as I talk, "Everyone knows you were in love with her! Everyone knows you envy Yoh because he's the one who got to marry her; he's the one who fathered her son! Get over it, she didn't choose you! She would never choose you because you only want her because you have a freaky Oedipal complex. This whole strength thing is an excuse! You want Mari to fix you like you think Anna can fix you because she's your _mommy_!" I keep getting closer. My index finger now pokes at his cloaked chest with every point I make.

Hao stares at me with his mouth open, stunned. I've never yelled at him like this before. I'm a bit surprised at myself for not keeping my cool.

"Is it a coincidence that you chose to date someone who _you know_ you have control over - who looks like Anna who looks like _your mom_? You know what your problem is?! You're lonely! You and I both know that only the loneliest people can read minds. The reason that you're with Mari is to compensate for the fact that Anna doesn't love you! But you can't fix this by distracting yourself or thinking that she's going to love the insecurity out of you! She can't fix you and you can't fix her!" I pause to take a deep breath, looking Hao in the eyes. "If you really want this to work out, stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to her. She's not who you want her to be, so accept her for who she is. If you can't do that, then move on. Or else, you are wasting your time. You have to ask yourself, Hao, who are you looking for?"

"You." Hao closes the gap between our bodies.

"What?" I freeze in place. I feel the urge to run as sirens blare in my head, but my feet are cemented to the floor.

"You." He says again, wrapping one arm around my waist, the other holds my right wrist. Before I know it, I am spun until my back touches the wall. Hao has me pinned, his body looming over mine. Although he is not much taller than I am, I feel so very small in my current position. His aura surges, causing his long hair to flow around him as he undoes his cloak, revealing his bare chest. Both of his arms are now at my sides, his face is getting closer to mine by the second. I try to become one with the wall, but, alas, I am not triumphant.

I dare not speak. All I can do right now is scowl at the Shaman King who has trapped me in my own home. I am not a strong shaman. I know that I will lose against Hao if I try to use force to escape whatever he has planned.

"I need _you_." Hao puts his hand on my chin, raising it so my lips are mere centimeters away from his. Rage flows through me like a flash flood.

"This is wrong." I say in an attempt to get him to unhand me. As if in slow motion, I can feel him guide my face closer to his, he keeps moving forward. A collision is inevitable. Hao's lips pucker slightly, I can feel his breath on my face. I wince in anticipation for what is about to happen. My eyes close in defense as my body stiffens.

Suddenly, I feel Hao let out a sharp breath through his nose. In less than a second, he is laughing in my face. Gross, hysterical laughs cause him to lose his breath as tears form in his eyes.

"You should have seen your face!" Hao manages to form a sentence between bouts of laughter. One of his hands now clutches his stomach, his other hand is still on the wall, preventing him from doubling over.

Irritated his latest "prank", I lash out by almost twisting his nipples off. Hao jumps back with a yelp, no longer laughing.

"That wasn't funny!" I yell at him. A knot forms in my throat. "There was no reason to do that!" My face feels hot. It takes me all my strength to not break down, but my eyes well up anyway.

"Oh, come on, Pirika, there's no reason to cry!" Hao tries to lighten the mood and sits on my couch.

"That was dirty!" My voice shakes. "That was mean!" I get closer to him, so now _he_ has to look up at _me_ and feel small.

"Have you met me?" Hao doesn't apologize. Instead, he tries to wave me away, for I am obstructing his view of the TV. Words cannot express how much I want to tear the smirk off his stupid face and throw him into a volcano, so I say nothing.

I begin to walk back to my table, planning to devour what's left of my sandwiches in a blind rage. Not watching where I step, I trip over myself and almost fall; Hao catches me right on time.

"Careful there, clumsy." Hao props me back up.

Contact with his skin recharges my wrath, "Don't touch me!" I slap him away. He sits down, crossing his arms at his chest.

"You're being more emotional than usual; what are you preg-" My hand shoots in front of his mouth, shushing him instantly.

"That's impossible. I'm expecting my period." I won't have such talk. Way to be a dick about this and blame my actions on hormones.

"Are you?" Hao asks despite there being a hand hovering next to his mouth.

"Yes, I'm only a little late. It happens when I go back to school with stress and stuff." I begin to doubt myself now.

"And you're cranky, and you're constantly hungry - don't act like you only grilled two cheeses, I know there were four - and you're uncoordinated." Hao tries to make a case.

"I'm not cranky, you came in here and put me in a bad mood; I'm hungry like I'm always hungry, just don't have a lot in my fridge right now; and you saw me trip once, it's not like I've been a shitshow. So, ha." I undo this theory.

"Think about it, Pirika, there's no way you might be pregnant right now?" Hao asks me seriously. I begin to count the days my period is late. Nine. _Oh, NO._ We stare at each other in silence with wide eyes for half a minute. I am the first one to start screaming.

"T-t-t-test! A p-pr-a-pru- a pregnancy test! Get a test! Buy three!" Hao leaps from his seat and brandishes his pointer finger at me. I nod wildly while still shrieking.

"Why three?!" I ask, still freaked out of my mind.

"False positives!" He screams back.

"Put a shirt on! We're going to the store!" I yell as tears begin to cascade down my face.

"Why are you crying?!" He tries to get the closest to me without actually touching me. His knees are bent, arms stretched out in front of him in my direction.

"I don't know!" I bury my sobbing face in my hands. Hao spins me around and pushes me towards the bathroom. I follow his lead and walk into my bathroom, grabbing a towel and wiping my face. Dread sets in as the possibility of my pregnancy begins to conquer my mind. I can't take care of a baby! I can barely take care of myself! What'll Ren say? What'll Onii-chan say? Shit, what will my dad say? I left Hokkaidō with his full support. He was so excited to see me go and become a successful person. He told me he was proud of me. And now? I don't know if I can face him right now.

Upon exiting the bathroom, I see Hao wearing one of my v-necks under one of my coats. He looks absurd in the tight-fitting clothes, but how Hao's shitty sense of style is the least of my problems right now. He hands me a warm jacket and my car keys.

"I'm too freaked out to drive!" I throw my keys on the bed and startle the Shaman King.

"Okay, alright," Hao adopts a protective stance, keeping me at a distance, while trying to calm me down, "we'll walk the excess energy off." He hands me my purse.

"We're going to have to go to a store we don't go to often." I sniff as I make my way towards the door. "I don't want anyone recognizing me."

"The nearest store after the one on the next block over is 20 minutes away by foot." Hao frowns. "I'll go in for you. That way we don't have to walk for too long. It's cold outside." He opens the door for me. Once out, Hao locks the door behind us and I put on my jacket. Hao places his hand on my shoulder.

"It's right next to the Onsen, they'll recognize you. What if they ask Mari-" I don't get to finish my sentence.

"She doesn't like to go in there because the cashiers keep hitting on her; don't worry." He starts walking towards the stairs. I hesitate to follow him simply because I don't want to know my fate. When I woke up this morning, I was happy as a clam, now I'm stressed and I want to set something on fire. I'm not into arson, Hao must be rubbing off on me. I begin my trek towards the stairs.

We say nothing on the way to the store. The skies are grey and cloudy. The wind is cold and forceful. It all feels very Soviet. Once there, I give Hao money and wait outside, trying not to fall to pieces. After a few minutes, Hao comes out with a plastic bag containing two boxes.

"They only had the two-packs, so I bought four total." Hao hands me the bag and my change. I stuff the change in my pockets unceremoniously. I would have told him to keep it, but this is one of the few times he's ever used money and I doubt he'll be in need of cash anytime soon.

"What if half come out positive and half negative?" I ask as I head back to my apartment, looking around to make sure no one from the Onsen can see us.

"Then, I guess you'll have to get a test at the doctor's office." The prospect of a doctor telling me I'm pregnant makes it seem more official and scares me to the core. Drugstore-pregnancy-test positive? Pregnancy. Doctor-pregnancy-test positive? Super Pregnancy. It sounds so adult. Aren't I supposed to be one?

Hao senses my uneasiness playfully nudges me, "It's probably just a case of extreme PMS." I look up at him with weary eyes. "Yeah, you're right. With the amount of sex you have, the odds are against you." He tries to joke. I laugh a little. I want to die.

Back at my apartment, I make a beeline into the bathroom, throwing my jacket on the floor and my purse on my bed next to my abandoned car keys. I decide to start with two tests, if there's a disparity, I'll take the next two. I follow the directions on the box like a Good Noodle and wait for my doom. Each test takes 3 minutes to determine the result.

I exit the bathroom with two identical tests in my hand. I can't speak. Hao already knows that I saw two plus signs from the hurricane siren that is playing inside my head. He comes to me and ushers me towards my bed. I sit down with a heavy thud, mouth open. Unbelievable.

Hao sits down next to me. He wraps his arm around me and holds me close. I can feel my heart beating out a zamba.

"You're going to be okay." He tells me. "I know you. You're strong. No matter what happens, you're going to be okay." Before I can answer, his phone rings. I nod, letting him know that I don't mind if he answers.

The entire time he's on the phone, I can't help but feel how backwards this situation is. Hao shouldn't be the first one to know apart from me, Ren should. Hao shouldn't be the one to figure this out with me, Ren should. Hao shouldn't be the one who's comforting me, Ren should. Ren. My wonderful, caring Ren. Ren who is an ocean away. Ren who has his own life in China. Ren who already has a son. And an ex-wife. Stop it, Pirika, you're spiraling!

Hao hangs up the phone and hugs me. I'm in shock. He's never hugged me before. Actually, I've never seen him hug _anyone_ before. Sure, he's held Hana and gives Opacho side-hugs every now and then, but this is new. It's a full embrace. Does Mari get these?

"Yes," Hao answers my question, "Mari has gotten a lot of these." He pulls back, with his hands on my shoulders. "She's about to get another one."

"Was that her on the phone?" I ask, not wanting to start to cry again.

"Yeah, she wants to talk." Hao looks down, I can tell he doesn't want to leave me alone. "Do you want me to stay?"

"I'll be fine." I shake my head. "You go. I was about to hop into the bath anyway."

"You have one fertile boyfriend." Hao gets up from my bed. "I'll be in to check on you tomorrow."

"Don't." I say without thinking. "If you start coming over more often, the others will get suspicious. I don't want anyone to know until I can tell Ren."

"I'll come check on you next week, then." Hao smiles at me. "That'll give you enough time to tell him." He makes his way towards my door. I wish him Good Luck for his talk with Mari. As he leaves, he turns around to look at me one last time before he closes the door behind him. He's still wearing my clothes.

Dazed, I start to do the math in my head. We've been sleeping together for approximately two months. Of those two months, we have had sex about thirty times on the weekends when he doesn't have to bring Men along. Realizing that I'm obsessing, I call my doctor's office and make an appointment to see him tomorrow morning.

I try to spend the rest of the day like I normally would. I do my homework assignments and clean my apartment a little. I try to distract myself by browsing the internet, but somehow I end up on a website dedicated to advice for expecting mothers. I shutdown my computer and decide to give myself a Time Out.

The phone rings. Ren. I pick up. He's calling to ask me about my day and to thank me for another great weekend. Great, yeah. He hears that I'm not engaging like I usually do. I deny that there's something bothering me. I excuse my lack of character by telling him that I've had a long day, I'm tired. He tells me to get rest, that he loves me, and that he can't wait to see me again. The thoughts makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I tell him that I love him and that I'll see him soon. We hang up. I feel bad for not telling him what's on my mind, but I don't want to say anything in case this is a false alarm. It's better this way, I convince myself.

Eventually, I fall asleep. I have a restless night, waking up at random intervals in a panic. The stress is destroying my sanity. I try not to think about the big picture, telling myself that I'm not pregnant until the doctor can verify it. Denial is such a useful tool.

In the morning, I manage to drive myself to my doctor's appointment. I wait an eternal twelve minutes before I am called in to see her. We discuss my concerns. She gives me a small, plastic cup. I know what to do with it. It doesn't take long for her to confirm that I am, indeed, pregnant. I don't cry, even though I want to. We do an ultrasound with that unpleasantly cold gel. Three weeks, she tells me. It looks like the fetus is three weeks old. I thank her and try not to notice her checking out the lack of ring on my finger.

I drive home, although I can't remember anything from the second I left the doctor's office. My mind is foggy with worry. I crawl into my bed, terrified for the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sorry. I rewrote this chapter about three times. Like I've mentioned before, this is a modified version of a fanfic I wanted to write before SK ended, but I had to change some things in order to keep up with the canon. The original fanfic dealt with the cast a little later in life, with their families. It was going to follow Ren and Pirika into parenthood. It was a lot happier than this one.


	9. The Longest Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pirika has anxiety and great friends.

Life happens at the speed of light. It feels like not three minutes ago that I was preparing my brother for the Shaman Fight. Eight years ago Tao Ren was my first lover. I spent those eight years acquiring 16 more, while still yearning for the first. Three months ago I saw Ren for the first time since left me that morning. Three months ago we decided to start dating. Two-and-a-half months ago he told me that he loves me. And today, I sit here, pregnant with his baby.

I am only 21. He is only 22. We are both so young, and yet, this will be his second child. Will this news upset or delight him? Will he want to marry me like he did with Jeanne? Will this baby put a strain on our relationship? I’m sure it will, but how much? We have something beautiful and untarnished by outsiders, how badly will it be ruined? People will notice when I start to show. They’ll be curious as to who the father is. Sure, everyone knows that I like to get it on. It’s no secret that I have a long list of lovers dating back to my adolescence. Something like this was bound to happen at some point because birth control isn’t always effective and I can’t beat those odds. I am not ashamed. 

What they  _ don’t _ know is that I’ve been getting it on with Ren. For the past three months. The news will not sit well, I’m afraid. 

They’ll be offended we didn’t trust them with this from the start. They’ll feel like we only told them because there’s a baby on the way. Hold on, am I even keeping it?  _ It? _ Them? The baby. My baby. Ren’s baby. Our baby. Oh, no.  _ I STILL HAVE TO TELL HIM. _

How do I tell him? It’s not like I can just call him in China and tell him that he’s having  _ another _ baby. This isn’t something you tell someone over the phone. Video chat? No, that’s still too impersonal. And a little weird. I cannot believe that it's the Year of Our Lord 2008 and there is still no proper way to tell your overseas significant other that you’re pregnant. I’m gonna have to wait until he gets back. Yeah, its for the best. He’ll only be gone a week-or-so more. I just have to keep cool until then. 

I look at the clock. 11:13AM on October 14, a Tuesday. Mark the time, Pirika. What a random assortment of everythings. My classes don’t start for another two hours, I don’t know whether to shower or sit on my couch and watch T.V.. 

It just hit me, I’m going to be pregnant during the school term. I’m going to give birth during the school year. Not only that, I’ll only be two months into my first term as a college third-year. How am I supposed to handle having a baby, a long-distance relationship, and _ school _ at the same time?! 

But wait, Pirika! Are you sure this relationship will continue to be long-distance?! What if he wants me to move to China? No! School comes first; getting my degree to help my family comes first. But, I’m going to be starting my  _ new _ family. What if his family, which is lovely, wants me to move over there because they’ll be damned if another of Ren’s kids lives far away from them? Oh, child, what have  you gotten yourself into?

I get off my bed only to crawl back in again, safely under the covers. I wait for the world to pass by me, above my Blanket Cave. I peek out from under the covers to take a look at the clock, 11:19. Only six minutes passed, yet it felt like an hour. Is this what it feels like to be on death row? Just waiting and waiting until you meet your imminent doom?

I snap out of my melodrama at the sound of my phone ringing. The caller I.D. ruins the surprise and my stomach juggles volcanoes.

“Hey you.” I manage to sound cheery and refreshed. 

“Hi, love.” Ren’s voice sounds warm and caring even through the mild static.

“What’s up?” I keep the peppy voice going to mask my forthcoming mental breakdown.

“I’m getting ready to go to a lunch meeting with a possible investor, so I thought I’d give you a call.” He sounds like he’s handling papers absentmindedly. 

“Is there anything I can help you with?” I offer excitedly, trying not to overdo it. Please, please,  _ please _ tell me this investor does something in the agricultural field, so I can talk about this for 10 minutes and not awkwardly dance around the subject of how I’m doing. 

“No. I’ve done my homework; I’ll be fine.”  _ FUCK _ . “You sound like you’re in a good mood right now. What are you doing?”

“I’m getting ready for school.” And trying not to set myself on fire.

“So, you’re in your pajamas?” The boy knows me. Normally, I would be in my pj’s. But I had a very interesting doctor’s appointment earlier today...

“Nope!” I answer proudly. I hear him chuckle. What a beautiful sound.

“What are you wearing?” His voice lowers in volume and enters a suggestive tone. 

“Ren…” I whine. Not now, please, the last thing I feel right now is sexy. 

“I bet you’re not wearing pants.” I can hear him smile. 

“I’m not.” I roll my eyes so hard he could hear it in my voice. 

“What’s with the change of tone? Are you doing alright?” 

“I had a weird day yesterday. I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now,” these words are true, “You know, with school and stuff.” I leave out the part of being knocked up, summing up its effects on my mood with “and stuff”. 

“In that case, I’ll leave you to so you can prepare for your day.” He sounds resolute. “Pirika?”

“Yes?” I get nervous.

“Whenever you’re ready to tell me what’s bothering you, you call me.” I bow my head in shame. 

“We’ll talk about it when I see you next.” I have a feeling we’re gonna do  _ a lot  _ of talking. 

“So, it’s not urgent?” 

“It can wait. You do your thing. I’ll be fine.” 

“I come back on Friday the 24th. Are you sure you can wait until then?” 

“Yes, love. Don’t you worry about me. I can handle it.” 

“Alright, then. Have a good day in school. Learn.” 

“Thank you. Do well in your meeting. Blow that investor out of the water.”

“You know I aim to do nothing less.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. Bye, love.”

“Bye.” I clicked the END button before giving him a chance to either reopen the conversation or hang up on me first. 

I move to my fridge and open the door, hungry but not feeling anything that I have in there. It all looks unappetizing and there’s a high chance I’ll throw it up, anyway. I settle for leftover miso and toast accompanied by ginger ale. Breakfast of champions. I eat slowly, trying to not make myself sick in the process. Almost all the pregnancies I’ve seen involve morning sickness in some way and I want to avoid it as much as possible. I’m not looking forward to the day where everything nauseates me. What a drag. 

I shower after breakfast. I can’t wash off the feeling that I lied to Ren by not telling him the truth earlier. A Lie of Omission. It doesn’t make me feel dirty, just unclean. 

I can’t tell anyone until I tell Ren. I already feel terrible that Hao knows before Ren does. How will it sound to Ren that Hao was there the second I found out I’m pregnant? It seems unfair to me. Not even Horo can know. This is going to be difficult and lonely. Sometimes Hao will sit in the Great Spirit for weeks on end, not bothering to visit anyone for any reason. I hope that this is one of those times. The less he interacts with people, the less of a chance the beans will be spilled. Please, please, please stay in the Great Spirit. 

I get dressed in the skinny jeans I know I won’t fit into soon and a tight t-shirt. My faux-varsity jacket is the only garment that isn’t form fitting. The word KILLJOY is proudly displayed on my back in block letters. I look at myself in the full-length mirror by my bed. I don’t look like a pregnant woman. Actually, I look pretty damn good. I’d fuck me. I guess that’s how I got myself into this mess in the first place, being too damn sexy. 

Since I have some time before school, I decide to visit Onii-chan and Tamao for a little while. I’ve been visiting them during the weekdays as much as possible, so they don’t feel like I’ve been avoiding them on the weekends. Full well knowing that Hao might be there, I prepare a speech in case the cat is let out of the bag. How discretion is key until I tell the father. How I would appreciate all judgement to be set aside. How I need support. I realize, I’m scared. What if I have to do this alone? What if I can’t?

Part of me wants to see Hao, to be in the presence of someone else who knows my Big Secret, but I just want to pretend its not happening.  Even after I tell Ren, I don’t want to tell anyone until the first trimester is over, just to be safe. By then, I’ll be well on my way to start showing. I wonder if I’ll gain a lot of weight. I’ve always been petite, so a pregnancy is going to change my body in so many ways. I’m not sure I’m ready for this. 

I walk down my block with a spring in my step. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I can’t look or feel amazing. Suddenly, I feel like singing and skipping and dancing to the onsen. Before I know it, I make my way to my brother’s workplace looking like I’m in a musical, loudly humming the happy tune in my head. 

I make my way into the garden where I find my brother picking crops.

“Onii-chan!” I call to him. He looks up at me and smiles, sweat beading on his forehead. 

“Pirika, you look happy today!” He takes a swig of water from his bottle, “I got news for you.” That makes two of us, brother. “Tamao and I have found an apartment for once we get married.” He announces with a lot of pride.

“That’s great, Onii-chan. Where is it?” 

“Actually, it’s in your apartment complex.” He grins excitedly. This may be a problem. 

“Congratulations, Onii-chan. Will you be buying or renting?” I ask to not show my disappointment. It's not that I dislike my brother, Tamao is my dear friend, but I just like having that corner of the world to myself. I like having my own place where I can escape and not have to worry about running into someone I know and explaining myself. That little bit of anonymity goes a long way for this Pirika. I like being That Cute Girl in 309. That Cute Girl in 309 got game. That Cute Girl in 309 makes all the boys turn their heads as she passes them in the hall. That Cute Girl in 309 makes all the moms wish they were young and adventurous again. I can’t be That Cute Girl in 309 if my brother lives there. So much for ‘Hey did you hear That Cute Girl in 309 had a baby? Man, I missed my chance!’. Now it’ll be more like, ‘309 got knocked up so her brother had to move into the building to help her out. How sad.’ Lame. 

“We’re renting with option to buy.” My brother looks so calm. I feel bad for making this about me. The least I can do is be supportive. 

“That’s great news Onii-chan,” I hug him. “What apartment will you be moving into?”

“501.” He hugs me back. “You look good today. There’s something about you that’s just different --  in a good way.” I can feel my blood sugar lower. Please, don’t say anything about a glow. 

“Pirika!” Tamao calls me and rushes towards us, “Have you heard the good news?”

“I just told her.”  My brother squeezes his fiancée’s hand. 

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Tamao’s smile is warm and genuine. I feel worse for being so selfish. 

“It’s the best news I’ve heard today.” I reply sincerely. 

“We have to start buying furniture!” Tamao looks at my brother as to warn him about dip in their savings pretty soon. Onii-chan nods reluctantly and goes back to picking crops. Tamao offers me some tea, which I decline. I tell them I want to get to school early so I can study in the library. My brother praises me for being so studious. The truth is that I can’t bear to be around them when right now. I feel like I’m betraying my brother and my best friend by concealing what I’ve been doing the past three months. What a mess. 

I make my way to school on foot, taking in the busy city around me. I see people biking to where they need to be. I see businessmen smoking and laughing through a restaurant window. There are some mothers and children playing in a nearby park. To think that’ll be me soon. Just another face on the playground. Another mom watching her child try to climb the equipment and get worried when their kid falls off the monkey bars. I’ll be the mom waiting for my little one at the foot of the slide. I’ll be a mom. 

The seriousness of the situation slaps me in the face like a hot iron. My stomach is ablaze and my knees weaken. With shaking hands, I take out my cellphone. I begin to look for Ren’s name in my contacts. I need to tell him. I need to come clean. The knot in my throat tightens to the point where I can’t breathe. I put my phone away and keep walking. This is going to be a long week. 

I sit through my classes without paying much attention. I take notes, but I have no idea what I’m writing down. My handwriting, usually very neat, is almost illegible. I hope nothing that I was taught today has much weight on the final exams. I know I’ll be able to catch up once I’m out of this funk, so I’m not worried. I hope this lull in my attention span doesn’t last long. Failing my classes is not an option. 

After school, feeling a new wave of guilt and self-hatred, I decide to go back to the onsen. I want to tell Horohoro and Tamao. Maybe even tell Yoh and Anna. Hell, at this point, I’ll tell Ryū and the Hanagumi, or maybe just fly to China to get this over with. I’m sick of secrets and lies. I don’t want to hold it in anymore. The Bubble was stupid and so am I for avoiding my friends for so long! They deserve to know. 

Determined to at least tell them the truth about Ren and me dating, I walk into the onsen with my head held high only to immediately chicken out at the sight of Hao having drinks with my brother in the TV room where Anna used to watch her soaps. Damn it. Isn’t he supposed to be in the Great Spirit or something? Why is he always hanging out in a crummy onsen with a bunch of people he’s let down instead of doing whatever the fuck he’s supposed to do as Shaman King? Hao’s eyebrows arch. Shit, I think he heard me. Hao nods in my direction. Sorry, dude. 

“Yo.” I make my presence to the room known. 

“Hey, Pirika!” Onii-chan looks up happily at me. “Tamao and I have settled on a wedding date!” 

“That’s great news, Horo!” I move some of Hana’s toys out of the way before seating myself next to my brother. “When’s the big day?” 

“May 30th!” Tamao happily interjects from the next room, coming in to sit next to me. Oh, great. I’ll be ready to pop by then. “It’s a Friday.” 

Not knowing how to respond to, I smile and desperately wish someone would change the subject. I don’t know how to talk wedding. What’s the proper response for something like this? How much excitement should I show? Just tell me what to wear, where to be, and when. Nothing gets me less excited than a wedding.  I better get used to wedding talk 24/7 since May is coming up sooner than it seems. The panic begins to tighten my chest. I have so little time to get my life together enough to start raising a child. This is step one. 

“So, to what do we owe my darling sister to come see us twice in one day?” Horo offers me a freshly-opened beer. “Here, have a drink.”

“Oh, I --” before I could refuse, Hao takes the beer from Onii-chan’s hand and chugs it. We all stare at Hao in confusion. 

“I wanted another one.” He uses as an excuse.

“You have half a bottle left.” Onii-chan lazily points at the perspiring brown bottle in front of Hao.

“It got warm.” Hao lies, hoping that no one would notice the condensation beads on the label. 

“Right…” Onii-chan turns back to me, dismissing what we had all just witnessed. “Anyway, you okay?”  

This is your chance, Pirika! Go for it! Come clean and release your soul from this anxiety!

“Oh, hey, Pirika. I didn’t know you were here.” Macchi greets me with the rest of the Hanagumi waitresses in toe. I have to get this off my chest before the audience grows! 

“Yeah, I just came by to --” I am interrupted.

“Sweet jacket!” Kanna comes over to check me out with a sharp whistle. She takes a long drag of her cigarette and exhales it right in my face. I want to puke. Hao nearly has a stroke. 

“Kanna! No smoking inside!” Hao gets up from his spot to yank the lit cigarette out of Kanna’s mouth. Attention is, once again, fixated on Hao. “You know the rules.” He tries to play it cool. 

“What’s with you? Since when did you start caring about breaking rules?” Kanna growls at Hao. 

“I don’t have to explain myself to you.” Hao puts the cigarette out between his fingertips  while keeping eye contact with me and sits back down. I don’t care that you’re the Shaman King and your companion is the Spirit of Fire, that must have  _ burned _ . He straight up did that to show off and exert authority. His stunt worked; Kanna said nothing else about the incident and continued to ask me about my jacket. After she was satisfied, she left to go smoke _ outside _ , taking Macchi with her. They eye Hao suspiciously before sliding the door behind them.

“Weird interruptions aside,” My brother resumes what he’s been trying to get at for ten minutes, “you were saying something earlier. You had some news, I think.” This is what I love about Horohoro, he remembers the little things. He shares your concern, your excitement, your pain. I can breathe easy around him. 

“I was just…” hesitating, I look at Hao sitting behind my brother for support. Hao is rapidly, but subtly, shaking his head No. “What I came here to say --” Hao vigorously shakes his head and furrows his brow. Neither Mari nor Tamao notice him, since their attention is on me. Shit, I can’t do this. I want to, but I need to tell Ren first. Back to square one. I hate to admit it, but Hao’s right. You win. Hao gives me a goofy smile at that last thought. “I don’t want to go back to my apartment.” I end up saying. It isn’t a lie, but it’s not the truth I was here to divulge. 

“Is something wrong?” Tamao places her hand on mine in concern. “Was there a break-in?” 

“No, the building’s fine.” I reassure Tamao. 

“Do you not feel safe there?” Onii-chan looks at me with sobering worry. The guilt swirls in my stomach. 

“It’s not that…” I look down at my hands. I can feel small tears forming in my eyes. Shit. Not now. “I…”

“What is it, Pirika?” Onii-chan looks at Tamao with raised eyebrows. 

“I’m lonely!” I burst out, not expecting myself to say that. Smooth, child. That’s not pathetic at all. 

“Oh, sweetie,” Tamao hugs me close, “do you want to sleep over?” Leave it to Tamao to be the Mom Friend about this. Sometimes I forget she’s younger than me. She’s incredible.

“Or we can go sleep over at you place.” My brother’s face softens. He tousles my bangs with his fingers playfully. “You didn’t have to be so shy. You know we love spending time with you.” His words only agitate my guilt. I can’t stop feeling that I’m hurting them.

“Why don’t you stay here for tonight?” Tamao offers, brushing my fringe into place with her fingers. Her touch is gentle and soothing. This is what I need, a friend.

“It’s not a bother.” Onii-chan assures me. “You can sleep between Tamao and me.” I laugh. He smiles. “You hungry?” 

“Not particularly.” I lie. Truth is, I’m starving, but I haven’t thrown up from food and I don’t want to start today in front of the people who have agreed to house my lonely ass for the night. 

“I’ll tell Ryū to make you something.” Tamao goes off to the kitchen, handing me off to my brother. Horo holds me close. I haven’t been hugged with this kind of frequency by this many people in my life. It feels good. I feel like I’m actually a part of them, not just the little sister who tags along. I feel like I’m home. 

Ryū gets excited to hear that I’ll be spending the night. He makes a quick dinner for everyone, insisting that we all eat together. Neither Yoh nor Anna mind that I’ll be occupying space in their onsen. In classic Anna fashion, she tries to charge me. Yoh dismisses her comment, reminding her that they don’t charge family. Family. Wow. 

After dinner, Hao takes me aside to tell me that Horohoro is worried for me. He convinces me not to spill the beans just yet. We decide to do it with Ren involved. If this baby is happening, better tell your family once you know if the father will be present and active, I conclude. That way, my poor brother won’t worry about me having adequate support if Ren decides to stay in the picture.  Hao lets me know that he’ll be staying with Mari, now that they’ve made up, for the rest of the week. I’m glad that they’ve made up. It also makes me happy to know that Hao’s got my back, even at the risk of looking like a complete asshole as was exemplified tonight. Man, my friends are great. 

Tamao lends me some pajamas and gifts me a toothbrush (“We’ll keep this here with ours, so you can sleepover whenever you want.”). I get an oversized t-shirt she wears to lounge about, Horo’s old boxers and the most comfortable outerwear: the FARM BOI hoodie. I snuggle between my brother and my best friend, warm from their love.

I think about my future as I drift to sleep.  If I decide to keep the baby, I know I’ll be fine. Knowing Ren, he’ll give me plenty of support, emotional or financial, preferably both. He is a man of both substance and flash. All I ask is that he respect my decision, whatever it may be. Even if things fizzle out between us after the kid comes, I know I’ll be okay. I’m sandwiched between two people who didn’t think twice about helping me out. I asked for help, they gave it to me no questions asked. I’m in a house surrounded by people who care about my wellbeing.  _ Hey, Pirika’s kind of depressed. Needn’t worry! There’s about 8 willing and able people in her immediate vicinity who will love and validate the shit out of her.  _ I’ll be okay. I’m going to be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I almost didn't post on time. Anyway, enjoy :)


	10. Coming Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh-oh, spaghetti-o's.

I open my eyes only to greet the white tiles of cool my bathroom floor. What happened? I look down to inspect the damage. Blood. There's blood across my lap. Seeing as there is no one else here, I assume it's mine. Where is it coming from?

I begin to pat my body for signs of an open wound. I get nothing. It seems I wasn't knifed or shot. The bleeding has to come from somewhere - fuck, fuck, FUCK! I slowly lift the elastic waistband of my sweatpants and hesitantly lower my hand into my pants. I spread my legs just enough for my hand to cup my crotch. The sensation I felt was unreal - my hand touched cold, then hot liquid just as my uterus felt like it was being blown up. A sharp, searing pain impaled my lower abdomen. I can't catch my breath and the pain is making it difficult for me to get up. I need help.

My phone! I reach around for my cell phone, which is usually in my pocket. Shit, it's charging on my dresser.

Another wave of pain hits me and I can feel more blood gush out of me. I can feel myself fading as my vision becomes hazy. Shit, this hurts like a knife wound. My body feels heavy.

I hear my door open. Salvation!

"Hey, Pirika! Look at this new cat that started following me today; she's so fat and… Pirika?" I can hear Hao's voice in my kitchen. Suddenly, I am very relieved that I gave him that spare key.

I'm too weak to yell, so I concentrate my energy into thinking loud enough for Hao to hear me. BATHROOM. HELP. HURRY. He runs into my bathroom, knocking the door off of one of its hinges.

The second he looks down at me, he turns pale. You know it's worse than you think when a mass murderer gets scared for you.

"What happened?!" He comes to my side to assess the damage. The expression on his face did not inspire confidence. All I could do was look at him while taking short, shallow breaths as he read my mind. I woke up like this. I don't know. Pain.

"My phone…" it was hard to talk, luckily I didn't have to say the rest out loud. In a flash, Hao left and came back with my cellphone.

"I'm calling your brother. He'll be faster than an ambulance." Hao dialed the phone and waited for Horohoro to pick up, his free hand brushing the loose strands of hair from my sweaty face. "Hey, Horohoro...calm down, there's a reason I'm calling you from her phone. I'm here at her apartment and she needs to go to a hospital... I'm not really sure what happened, but she's bleeding and it doesn't look good so get your fiancée, hop in the car, and get here NOW!" Hao hangs up the phone and puts it down on the counter.

I start to cry. What's wrong with me? I can feel my cold tears roll down my face onto the tiles below.

"I don't know, but we'll figure it out." Hao grabbed a towel and put it under my head. "Pirika, the baby…"

"Do… you… think…?" I manage to ask in between breaths, my voice getting strained and high pitched at the end.

"This isn't my areas of expertise, but, Pirika, I'm pretty sure this isn't good... I- I think you... miscarried." Hao struggles to put the last sentence together. The Shaman King looks at me with genuine pity in his eyes, something I have never seen before and never want to again.

I'm overwhelmed; I cry more. I can feel myself losing more blood. I'm dizzy.

"I am very sorry." He wipes my tears with a hand towel. "I have to keep you conscious, so you're going to have to talk to me, okay? No mind reading."

"Why...are you dressed… in fancy civvies?" Breathing is starting to get harder. I can feel my lower abdomen pulsating.

"Opacho had an event at school. Mari and I went to support her. Yoh and Anna went, too." An amusing image appeared in my head: four kids in their early twenties as the representative guardians/ parents of a middle-schooler, all with long hair. They must have been the youngest adults there and not a pair of scissors between them. "Yoh lent me one of his ties."

"I didn't know he owned one." I tried to make a joke, hoping it would distract me from the feeling like a trainwreck.

"Yeah, it's shocking." He doesn't play along very well, turning his head towards the broken door.

"Where's Mari?"

"Back at the Onsen." As always, he's lousy at making conversation.

"Why did you come?" Come on Hao, you're supposed to be keeping me awake here.

"Oh! A new cat started following me and I thought you'd like her. There's a cat on your bed, by the way."

"Is she cute?" I want to play with the kitty.

"And kinda fat." He smiles at me. His smile comforts me despite the constricting pain in my lower abdomen.

"Ren's on his plane…" I look up at Hao, "can you text him to come to the hospital?"

"I'll take care of it." He gets up to find the phone on my bathroom counter. "I'm going to open the door for your brother, okay? I'll be back. Hang in there." Hao can probably hear Horo's mind from a mile away.

The second he leaves me, feelings of helplessness and desperation set in. Moments from now, my brother is going to walk in and find his sister sprawled on the bathroom floor, with one hand in her pants, crying and bleeding. Way to go, Pirika.

"Where is she?!" I can hear my brother yell while running into my apartment.

"In the bathroom."

"I swear, if this has anything to do with you -"

"Horo!" I cry in an effort to stop him from antagonizing Hao and reach me sooner.

"Pirika!" He flies into my bathroom. "What happened?!" He kneels next to me, his hands hover over my body, afraid to touch me. I take my hand from out of my sweatpants. It is now covered in dark, red, glossy blood. I show him.

"I… hospital…" Without hesitation, he picks me up in his arms and begins to carry me to the car. I expected his arms to shake at one point, but he held me with so much conviction, that I could feel his muscles flex.

"Tamao left the engine on. Don't worry. We'll figure this out." He reassures me as I dig my bloody fingers into his chest.

"I'll stay here." I hear Hao say as Onii-chan carries me out the door. He is careful when taking me down the steps and had the backdoor of his car already open. In one swift move, we got into the backseat. Tamao took off like Speed Racer.

"What happened?!" Tamao looks at us in the rearview mirror with concern.

"I'd like to know, too." Onii-chan looks down at me, accusing me of hiding something, yet worried sick; another facial expression I never want to see again.

"I…" tears fall from my eyes at a quicker pace, "I think I... m-miscarried." My voice is barely audible.

My brother's eyes went wide, his jaw dropped. A mixture of emotions displayed on his face: anger, confusion, sorrow, and pity. He looked like he was about to cry. Before he could say anything, Tamao spoke,

"I don't think this is just a miscarriage; there's too much blood!" She ran a red light. I appreciate Tamao's ability to focus on the problem at hand, rather than getting bogged down in the small details.

"W-who's… who's the- the fa-father?" Onii-chan's face was serious as the surreal question escaped his lips. His eyes were looking directly into mine, as if trying to extract the information via hypnotism.

"...Ren…." I admit, my eyes stinging from the river of tears.

"You owe me money!" Tamao looks at Horo through the rearview mirror. I chuckle, but it comes with a price. More blood. Onii-chan notices.

"We're almost there, Pirika. Don't worry." His grip on me tightens.

"Money?" There was a bet?

"I bet your brother that you and Ren had something going on." Tamao replies, taking a sharp turn which nearly tips the car over. Reckless driving 101.

"I just never thought it was this serious…" My brother couldn't look me in the eyes as he spoke. His gaze was fixated on my abdomen.

The car ride was faster than any rollercoaster I had ever been on. In a matter of minutes, we arrived at the hospital. Tamao lept from the driver's seat to go get an E.R. doctor. When they extracted me from the car and put me on the gurney, the doctor confirmed Tamao's hunch,

"Too much blood. We've got an ectopic! Call surgery and tell them to prep an O.R." She commands a group of people. One nurse rushes to my side and helps bring me in the hospital. I see another nurse get on the phone. Onii-chan and Tamao keep pace with the doctor wheeling me into an elevator. All the while, a nurse asks my Coherent Squad my personal details. One question, only I could answer.

"How far along are you?" The doctor asks me.

"A month." I tell her, sullen. Onii-chan looks hurt, betrayed. Tamao just pats my arm. Just two days ago I was sleeping between the couple and I said nothing. They have a right to feel hurt.

The elevator dings and I am rushed into an operating room without my brother and without my friend. I am alone with strangers with sharp objects in a cold room. Monitors beep. Needles and tubes are inserted into my veins and a man in a mask approaches me. He tells me his name and tells me to count backwards from ten. I don't make it to nine.

I'm so cold. My body feels heavy. I'm trembling slightly. I'm so tired, but my body tells me to open my stinging eyes.

Ren. Sleeping besides me is my boyfriend. His head is on the mattress but the rest of his body is on the chair. Chair? I don't own that chair. Wait - this isn't my bed or my room. Where am - Oh. Today's events rush back to me in hard-to-digest chunks. Shit.

Monitors beep in the otherwise silent room. I look around to find that this is a private room with balloons tied to a teddy bear sitting on a lonely chair in the corner.

My hand pats Ren's head and he immediately wakes. He slowly adjust himself on the bed, he leans on the thin mattress with his elbows.

"Hey…" I put my hand on his cheek and stroke it softly.

"Hey," His voice is raspy, kissing the palm of my hand and placing his over it, "I got you a teddy bear and some balloons."

"Thank you."

"How do you feel?"

"Thirsty." Ren finds the plastic cup and places the straw into my mouth. I take a few sips of the lukewarm water.

"Better?"

"Like I lost a knife fight in a snowstorm."

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" His voice, while stern, is filled with concern. I don't want to get into this right now - I just woke up. I don't even know what happened to me, exactly. At this point, it's obvious he knows about the baby.

"I was going to tell you today. I was waiting to tell you in person." I can barely speak, my words sound like desperate lies. My mouth feels dry again.

"Right." Ren's tone isn't very nice.

"Ren, I'm sorry." I shouldn't have to be apologizing, especially right now. I'm indignant.

"Do you know what it's like to get off a plane and see a text message from your girlfriend's phone that says 'Get to Ntt Higashinihon Kanto Hospital ASAP'. You text back to ask what's going on? Who's in the hospital? You get a text back that only says your girlfriend's name. You want to text or call back for answers, but that'll only make your anxiety worse and when you finally get to the hospital you're the only one who didn't know you were having a baby."

"I wanted to tell you in person!" I'm exasperated and tired. If a nurse were in here, they'd be beating him with hospital slippers. How dare he interrogate me right now.

"You were sitting on this for a month." His voice stayed calm and low, but I still want to cry.

A knock on the door interrupts the would-be fight. Horohoro walks through like he owns the place, "Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do." He demands answers in a terrible Puerto Rican accent and points at me with his index finger before pointing at Ren angrily.

"Where's Tamao?" I ask as he picks up the chair with the bear, brings it to the opposite side of the bed from where Ren is sitting.

"She's on her way back from getting us some clean clothes. Start talking." Onii-chan points at Ren once more, "You don't get to talk."

"I want to be informed as much as you do." Ren adjusts his tie.

"I said no talking." Horo's index finger shakes.

I take a deep breath before I start to speak, "Ren and I have been seeing each other for about three months. We planned to tell you soon, once we knew for sure whether or not this would work. We didn't want you to freak out. I found out I was pregnant on Monday. I wanted to tell Ren first - in person - since he's the father, but those plans went down the drain when it turned out that the fertilized egg implanted itself in my fallopian tube and almost blew up my reproductive system. I didn't plan for anything to happen the way it did, and yet here we are." I try my damn best to not break down and ugly sob then and there.

"The phone call?" Ren asks me. I could tell his anger dissipated. His eyes are kinder, his voice is gentler.

"Yes, I had just found." I look over at him. Ren sighs.

"What?" Onii-chan looks confused.

"When I found out I was… pregnant..." my voice chokes. Ren held my hand and Onii-chan strokes my arm, "it was a about a week ago. Ren called me and I told him I would tell him what was bothering me when he came back. I was supposed to tell him today."

The door opens without warning, introducing Tamao and a doctor into the room. She introduces herself as my surgeon and told me that it had gone as well as it could. I obviously lost the baby. My lack of surprise doesn't seem to phase her. She checks my vitals and asks me a few questions before she leaves the room.

"I got you a shirt." Tamao put her hand on my brother's shoulder. She reaches into her duffel bag and hands him a striped long-sleeve. "It'll keep you warm."

"Thank you, dear." Onii-chan takes off his bloodied t-shirt to change. He doesn't even leave the chair.

"And I got you," Tamao looks at me happily, "the stretchiest sweatpants I could find at your place, the baggiest shirt I could find, and your favorite Horohoro hoodie. You'll leave here nice n' comfy."

"You brought FARM BOI hoodie?!" I ask excitedly.

"That's the one!" Tamao looks pleased. "Did you know Hao can clean?"

"Yeah, he does that when he feels useless. He cooks, too." I answer her nonchalantly.

"He cleaned your bathroom, washed your sheets, and he was fixing your bathroom door when I left. He sends his regards."

"What happened to your bathroom door?" asks Ren, who seems taken aback with all the new information.

"Hao broke it down to get to me."

"When?"

"Earlier today. I passed out in the bathroom and he came over to show me a cat -"

"Oh, there are also roughly ten cats in your apartment." Tamao cuts me off.

"There was only one when I left." I imagine my apartment crawling with cats while Hao fixes my bathroom door. Cute.

"Your door?" Ren wants answers.

"He was the one to find me. I was in the bathroom at the time and he had to break the door down to get to me."

"But your front door was fine?"

"Yes, it was only the bathroom door that got fucked."

"So he was there when you passed out?"

"No, he came in after I came to."

"How did he get in your apartment?"

"He has a key."

"Why does he have a key?" Both Onii-chan and Ren ask at the same time with alarm in their voices.

"I made him a copy." The three people in the room, the three people dearest to me, look at me like I was a rainbow dragon hanging a carpet in the sky. "He would have just found a new way to break in, anyway." I fail to see why they're making a big deal about this, but I'm still amused.

"The fact that you had to resort to making him a copy because he was frequently breaking in is troubling." Ren could not believe what he was hearing.

"He says he'll take care of your place until you're discharged. You'll go back to a clean and warm home. Speaking of safe and warm, this is quite the arrangement you got here." Tamao informs me.

"Yeah," I turn to my brother, "Horo, this is too much." I feel bad for being in a single room. The view is lovely; I can see the city lights in the dark and judging from how much I see, we're pretty high up.

"I'll take care of it." Ren chimes in, his tone serious and not to be questioned.

"Ren, I can't poss-"

"I arranged it and I'll take care of it." Alright, there that is.

"Thank you." I quit making a fuss. I know it's important to him that he do this. How devastating can it be to find out that your girlfriend almost died because of an unborn baby you didn't know you were having? Doing something like this makes him feel like he has some sort of control over the situation.

A wave of emotions hits me like a glass house being stoned by an angry mob. My hands start to tremble and my eyes start to water. In an instant, I am sobbing - loud, ugly, and uncontrollable. The tears cascading down my face make my eyes sting, quckly dampening the hospital gown. I can feel the three people surrounding me tense up as they try to comfort me. I can't hear what they're saying over my cries. I gulp for air as my nostrils quit working. I can't seem to find the strength to keep upright, so I slowly collapse into my knees.

Tissues are being shoved in my direction. I feel two pairs of hands patting and gently caressing my back in an attempt to provide some sort of comfort. A third and finds its way into my hair, massaging my scalp. I don't want to be touched right now, but I don't want to scare them off. I want them there with me, but I want to be left alone. I keep hugging my thighs and crying into the blankets.

I manage to calm myself down after a few hellish minutes of not being able to distinguish what I feel. "I'm sorry." my voice sounds muffled as I speak into my blankets. I straighten up slowly, Ren and Onii-chan prop me up gently. Tamao wipes my tears away with a tissue. Bless you, Tamao. "I'm sorry." I say again, this time loud enough for them to hear me.

"Hey, it's okay." Onii-chan is the first to try and calm me.

"I don't know what came over me." I'm a little ashamed, but I was pregnant up until a few hours ago. I think I deserve to cry.

"A lot's happened. Your body probably doesn't even realize what it went through. I think your hormones are going to be a mess for a while." Onii-chan strokes my arm.

"I shouldn't have been so demanding earlier. I lost my temper. Forgive me." Ren looks at me apologetically. He stretches his hand out for me to take. I put my hand in his and give it a soft squeeze. He smiles a little.

"He's right. We should have let you tell us when you were ready. I'm sorry for rushing you." Onii-chan tries to smile at me, but I know he's kicking himself. Tamao places her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm feeling overwhelmed." I begin to explain, "I don't know how to react to this - I mean, I was … pregnant ... " my voice trails off at a horrid realization, "Horo, you can't tell papa!" I plead, voice cracking.

"I'm not gonna tell the old man." He reassures me. "You tell him when you're ready."

"Do I have to?" I wince at the thought of my father being disappointed in me. Up until this point, he had no reason to not brag about me.

"Pirika, you had surgery. I'm pretty sure he deserves to know." I'm scolded by my older brother. "Besides, these things happen. Why, we've got to Happy Accidents running around already. There's nothing to be ashamed of." Onii-chan stops abruptly and stares at Ren. "Which reminds me, have you not heard of contraceptives?"

Ren blushes and looks away.

"I'm serious! There are these wonderful inventions that prevent these types of situations from happening." Horo's tone is wonderfully sarcastic.

"Look, sometimes these things just happen." Ren tries to defend himself.

"Listen, I know sometimes contraception fails, but if it's happened to you once, I assume you would have taken necessary preventions from it happening again." Onii-chan's face is far from amused. He blames Ren for what I had to go through. He's just trying to defend his little sister.

"Like you said, sometimes contraception fails." Ren snaps back. The tension between them, while hilarious, is draining. Tamao senses my distress.

"How about we give Pirika some time to rest?" She suggests in the sweetest manner.

"I don't want to leave." Onii-chan crosses his arms.

"Oh, I don't think you have a choice." Tamao looks at my brother, who goes pale for a second before getting up, kissing me on the forehead, and exiting my hospital room.

"You, too" Tamao directs these words at Ren. Begrudgingly, he rises from his chair after he squeezes my hand. Ren leaves the room quietly.

"Thank you, Tamao." I smile at my soon-to-be sister-in-law.

"Are you okay?" She begins wipe my hair from my damp face. I can feel myself glisten in the most disgusting way.

"I don't know how to deal with this." My bottom lip quivers along with my voice. "What do I do?"

"You let it go." She looks at me with her wise, pink eyes, "You accept the loss and move on."

"I didn't even know how to feel about being - being pregnant." I toss my head back into the plastic-coated hospital pillow.

"You don't have to." Tamao takes my clammy hand in her warm, soft one. "It's okay. You're going to be just fine." I cry again. "We're here for you. All of us. Anything we can do, we'll do it. Okay?" I cry harder. Her grip on my hand tightens. "It's okay. Let it out." I don't know how much time I spent crying, but it must have been a while. Exhausted, I fell asleep to the sound of her humming.

I wake up because I feel my body shift to the left. When my eyes open, I see Ren's legs next to mine on top of the sheets. His shoes are off. He kisses my temple. I put my hand on his lap for him to hold. He kisses it, too, before wrapping his arm around me, pulling us closer. I can smell his cologne. He can smell my sweat. We don't say anything as we lie there. His warmth comforts my body. The monitors beep. Something sounds like it's hissing. There are now flowers on the table next to me. I can hear his deep breaths. This is the closest to peaceful I've been all week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I'm a day late but my internet went out last night, so w/e. I'm taking a hiatus after this chapter because of school. I probably won't be updating until December. I realize that some of my readers weren't able to find me because of the rating change. If you read this during my absence, please do me a favor by reviewing. I have an idea of where I'd like this to go, but I'm interested in what direction you expect/ want this to go.
> 
> Until next time,
> 
> otakuspirit


	11. Normal-ish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome home, Pirika.

“There she is!” I hear an excited voice as my brother opens the door to my apartment, going inside first with my bags of Get Well Soon crap from the hospital gift shop given to me by  my dear friends. He sets down the gifts on my breakfast table before holding the door open so Ren can carry me inside and place me on my bed. My feet haven’t touched the floor since before I was discharged from the hospital. Tamao is quick to cover me with a blanket and asks if she can get me anything. My heart is warmed by the extent that these kids are making a fuss over me. 

All four of us sport bags under our eyes and weak smiles on our tired faces. In contrast, Hao and Mari look well-rested and eager to talk to me. I just want to sleep. Hospitals are the worst places to rest. Nurses are rushing in every so often to poke and update their charts. Doctors occasionally check on you and “Hmm...” and “I see...” in your direction, but you never really get any information out of them. It made us all wish that Faust VII was still alive -- may his soul be at peace inside the Great Spirit. 

No one knows what to do or say next. We live in an awkward silence for a moment, everyone obviously wants to talk about what’s happened, but no one is brave enough to bring it up. Ren sits on the bed next to me, protective in his posture. 

Before we could even discuss the miscarriage, Horo’s phone rings. He picks up and goes to the corner to speak. His eyes watch Hao, who is getting closer to me, the entire time. Hao sits at the foot of my bed, Mari stands next to him, watching me. More than anyone else, she looks like she has something to say. I can tell she’s holding back words, hesitantly parting her lips and making small hand gestures. 

“Tamao,” my brother calls, “that was Yoh on the phone. They need reinforcements; we have to go.” 

Tamao nods, putting down the vase of fresh flowers I had been given at the hospital on my nightstand. She smiles at me, “We’ll be back as soon as we get a chance, okay?” I squeeze her hand in thanks and smile back at her. I don’t feel like talking right now. She walks to Onii-chan, Mari following her,

“Um… do they need me, too?” Mari asks with unclear motives. 

“Yoh said you can hang out here for a while longer. They’re coming to see her after we get there. When they get here, they’ll need you to go over since they’ll be short staffed.” Onii-chan answered her as he walked over to give me a quick hug. “I’ll be back soon. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.” I could see the look of worry in his eyes. 

“I’ve got Ren and Hao to watch over me; I’ll be fine.” I put on my best worry-free voice to comfort my miserable brother. I know I can probably take care of myself, but it comforts Horo to know that I have these two by my side indefinitely. Well, Ren will have to go back to China pretty soon, he does have a job. It’s been three days already and he’s taking the rest of the week off to keep an eye on me. We haven’t really talked about feelings because we haven’t had any time alone. I’m afraid of what he’ll say. I don’t know what to expect. He’s been wonderful so far, well, except at the beginning. I don’t know why I’m so nervous to be alone with him. I doubt he’s angry, but I just don’t know what comes next. What now?

“Hao,” my brother’s voice brings me back to reality. Hao looks up, not saying anything, already knowing what’s going through Horo’s mind. “Thank you.” Horo stretches out his hand for Hao to take, looking away slightly, but jerks his head back into place as soon as Hao touches him. They shake once and Hao nods. Satisfied with himself, Onii-chan turns to leave. Tamao joins him at the door; they say goodbye once more and walk out. 

I look at Hao, trying to read his expression. Hao looks at Ren and over eagerly says,

“Let me show you what I did to Pirika’s bathroom!”

“I trust you did a fine job.” Ren responds, his disinterest in spending time with other people blocking him from picking up the hint. 

“No, really, I want to show something!” Hao now glares at Ren, who, while still annoyed, finally picks up what Hao’s putting down. 

Ren gets up and they both head into the bathroom. I hear a “Well, you see..” before the door closes. 

Mari and I are left alone. This hasn’t really happened before. We don’t really talk much since I don’t go to the Onsen too often, she’s working when I’m there, anyway. I see her sometimes and we make small talk, but I have never been  _ alone _ with her. I must admit I’m a little concerned. I spend a lot of time with her boyfriend, maybe she misinterpreted our relationship. Uh-oh.

Uncomfortable. This is the only word I have to describe both of us. Mari awkwardly makes her way towards me by making eye contact the entire time and sits by my feet. 

“I…” she begins meekly, “just… wanted to… thank you.” 

Her words take me by surprise. I don’t know what to say, so I stay silent, hoping she’ll fill in the gaps. Why is this emo thanking me?

“I know you talked to Hao.” Her words were now calmer than before. I wouldn’t have phrased it that way, more like I jumped down his throat. “He came over on Monday after he had spoken to you. We had gotten into a fight earlier that day because I feel like he doesn’t appreciate me. Always being able to read my mind has its drawbacks, you know? Instead of trying to show me how much I mean to him, he gets angry or teases me about my insecurities. So then, I get angry because he never takes my feelings seriously.” Mari looks down at her hands. 

Listening to her talk, listening to her refer to herself made me realize that she doesn’t speak in the third person anymore. When did that happen? Was this a result of working in the Onsen? Did Hao help her out of it? Both? 

“When he came back to me,” Mari continued, “he apologized. And he meant it! He told me he’d listen and take my feelings into consideration. He spoke to me like I was his equal. That’s not something that usually happens.”

“Why did you stay with him for so long?” I ask, dumbfounded as to why someone would be in a relationship that makes them feel like less than who they are. 

“I-I guess…” Mari began to blush, “insecurity? Hao was all I had known my whole life. I only knew other people like him. I always had to prove myself and I guess I assumed that was normal. I know now that I was wrong. Your brother and Tamao made me realize that. Yoh and Anna aren’t that great of an example.”

I nod in agreement. Sure, behind closed doors, Yoh and Anna get along fine. They treat each other like equals. But in front of people, Anna makes sure to assert herself as the dominant one, while Yoh acts passive or apathetic towards how she treats him. I wouldn’t really call him submissive anymore, not since Hana was born. 

“Hao’s been different all this week. He’s been attentive and sensitive. It really is such a breath of fresh air. I just wonder what took him so long.” Mari paused, clearly not knowing how to end this. “So, thank you.”

I smiled at her, “Thank you, Mari.” She smiled back, almost beaming. I could tell she was excited. “But, Mari,” I changed my expression to a more serious one, “if he starts to act up again, leave him.” I looked her dead in the eye. “I’m serious. Run. It’s not fair to you to be with someone who doesn’t give you any emotional support. You need more than what he’s given you all these years. Focus on yourself for a while.” I’m sure Hao can hear me just fine, still I don’t hesitate in giving her this advice. 

Mari nods, her lips now pouting slightly. 

“One more thing,” I take her hand, which is now resting on my leg, “I need to ask you something very important.” 

Mari looks at me kind of scared, “Yes?”

“Did you guys have sex in here?” I look her dead in the eye.

Mari turns deep red and replies, “Yes, but we washed your sheets right after.” She buries her face in her hands. 

“I can live with that.” I shrug off the new information. Kind of gross, but whatever. It’s not like I haven’t fooled around in less-than-acceptable places. 

With all that out of the way, I hear my bathroom door open. Ren and Hao emerge, Ren trying to sound like they were in there for legitimate reasons, “Yeah, that’s something.” 

The day goes by at a snail’s pace. Yoh and Anna eventually get to come see me, they leave Hana in the capable hands of all their employees. Hana did draw me a picture, which I ask Ren to hang up on the fridge next to Men’s. Opacho sent me some paper cranes. Mari leaves to go work.

The conversation starts to flow normally after a while, helping me forget the events of this past week. Anna informs Hao that Opacho had been sent home with a note from her teacher. Something about stabbing a kid in the, and I quote, “tee-tee weenie”. Hao looks proud, although he knows he should be somewhat alarmed by this kind of behavior. 

Manta stops by, too. Ryu makes his way to see me by nightfall, leaving one of the su chefs to hold down the fort. They all sit around me and drink tea and coffee and bring food to eat and wash my dishes and not one of them asks me how I feel about losing a baby. Not one of them wants to bring it up. They’re all having a good time just being together, ignoring that I am bed-bound and that I need Ren to be my bathroom buddy. It makes me want to scream. 

I want to talk about it! I want to tell them that I’m sad. I want to ask them if it’s okay to feel relieved. I want to know if they know anyone who has lost a baby. Or a fetus.  Or whatever you’re supposed to call it to not get too attached to the idea of bearing a child. But, I don’t want to call it a fetus, I want to call it a baby! But I don’t want to call it a baby and be told to call it a fetus. I’m upset and confused and happy I don’t have to put my life on hold, but so, so sad. There’s a giant interrobang hanging above my head that everyone pretends they can’t see. 

Ren can sense my uneasiness, asking me if he should kick them out after a certain hour. The problem is that I want them here, but I don’t want them to act like I didn’t just go through something traumatic. I’m missing school because of this! I need to see a therapist who specializes in loss and grief. I need to go back to the doctor for a check up on my post-op recovery. This is real. 

Hao can hear my every thought, but he just sits by my bed quietly. When the conversation dies down, he scans the room and to no one in particular asks, “So, are we gonna talk about the miscarriage or what?”

The room goes silent. Ren instinctively gets up to either yell at Hao for putting our dirty laundry out like that, but I grab his arm and stop him from adding to Hao’s scene. _ Thank you, Hao. _

“It’s called an ectopic pregnancy.” Ren states, instead of whatever the fuck he was about to do, and sits next to me, holding me close. 

“Which led Pirika to have quite an explosive miscarriage.” Hao adds, hoping someone will jump in and ask something. Four pairs of eyes stare at me.

“It’s okay,” I tell the curious souls, “I want to talk about it.”

Manta is the first to ask me how I was coping emotionally. Ryu asks me if I’ll be needing extra help and company. He offers to bring me a warm meal every day. Yoh and Anna stay silent, listening and holding hands. Eventually, they start to ask me questions about my “torrid love affair” with Ren and why we had kept it a secret for so long. Ren gets a bit timid with the details, but I just lay it all out there. Fuck, the worst has already happened, no need to be coy. It’s not like I got pregnant through osmosis. 

They all leave at around 1 A.M., Hao is the last to go. This is the first time in three days that he leaves my apartment. Ren thanks him for all he’s done for me, that he went above and beyond his duties as a friend. He doesn’t really know how to say, “I am grateful that you saved my girlfriend’s life and very sorry that I misjudged you”, but he does his best. Hao just smiles and walks away. I guess he still doesn’t know how to react when people are genuinely relieved he’s around.

Ren and I are finally alone. We haven’t been able to get rid of people for three days. We haven’t even kissed much, one of our favorite activities. 

Ren takes off his clothes and gets into bed with me, clad only in the boxers we picked out not too long ago. He turns off the light, letting the star-shaped glow in the dark plastic sticker-things we put up a few weeks ago with Men be our only source of illumination. He holds me tight, like he’s afraid I’ll vanish. He kisses the top of my head before resting his chin on it. I wrap myself around him best I can without aggravating my scars. 

Not being able to hold in my feelings any longer, I cry. I manage to let go of a few tears before Ren begins to kiss my face, loosening his grip on me to rest his hands on my shoulders, he pushes me back a little to see my face better.

“What happens now?”I ask him through tears, not yet sobbing. 

“What do you mean?” His voice filled with concern.

“What do we do now?”

“We move on.” 

“How?” 

“We accept the loss. We can talk about it all you want. We can cry about it. We can do whatever you want about it, but we have to accept it.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Of course I do, Pirika; that was my baby, too.”

“Are you sad?”

“Yes.” Ren takes a deep breath. “But right now, you worry me more.”

“We have to help each other through this.” I get closer to him. “You can’t neglect yourself! I want you to talk to me about what you’re going through, too!” 

“I will.”

Minutes pass before either of us say a word. 

“Ren?” I ask.

“Mm?” 

“Do you still love me?”

“Wha-- Pirika, of course I still love you! Why wouldn’t I love you?”

“I- I don’t know… It sounds stupid---”

Ren kisses me. It’s not a deep kiss, but there’s a lot that it tells me. It tells me that he’s not stopped loving me at all. That his words are no match for his actions. That this gentle gesture is what he can offer in comforting me. That he needs me as much as I need him to get through this. His soft lips stay on mine for a while. I break the kiss and bury my head in his chest. 

“Thank you.” I whisper. 

“Thank you.” Ren whispers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> s/o to my Chibiwawa who inspired me to write (and whose first-grade story I incorporated). 
> 
> Here it issssss! I am sorry it's taken me this long but life got in the way. Alas, here it is: the second to last chapter.


	12. She Used to Be Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A literal rude awakening and a road trip with four sleep-deprived people. 
> 
> Also, this chapter is a little gay.

**Part I: Oh, what the Fresh Hell is This?**

 

“Gross, they actually sleep together.” 

“We’ve been through this; stop being a baby.” 

“Pirika, hey.” I feel a hand touch my shoulder. “C’mon, get up.” 

“Nmm…” I try to swat the hand away. Just let me sleep, people. I’ve had it rough. Jeez. 

“Get up, we have to go.” The voice is starting to sound familiar to me. Horo?

“Where are we going?” I ask, voice raspy and low, managing to open my stinging eyes. My brother is towering above me, his back-lit silhouette glowing with a white light. Another silhouette approaches behind him. 

“Maybe we should wait until she’s actually awake.” Tamao’s voice comes from the second silhouette. 

“No, we gotta do this now. We don’t want to catch traffic” Onii-chan turns to Tamao. “Besides, if I know my sister, she’s going to drag this out and never actually get this done. It’s better this way.” He turns back to me, “Let’s go.”

Confused, I ask once more, “Where are we going?” 

“Hōkkaido.” He answers me.

“Why?” I ask, dreading his answer. 

“You know why.” His voice colder than the icy mountains of our hometown. 

“No!” I sit up to argue, careful not to break my stitches. It hurts a little. The shock and pain wake me up fully. 

“Yes!”   
“How did you even get in here?” I rub my eye with the heel of my hand.

“Ren let us in.” 

_ Traitor! _

“Ren… where is he?” I look around for him. 

“In the bathroom, getting dressed. He’s coming, too.”

“Horo, I’m not ready!” I start to argue with him. How dare he come in here at who-knows-what-hour to make me do something that is None of His Business. 

“The old man has a right to know.” He pauses and looks guilty. “Besides, there’s something I gotta go see him about, too.”

“Horo, it’s an eighteen hour drive.” I whine. 

“That’s why both of us are going at the same time. Two birds, one stone. Now, get dressed.” 

Tamao comes to my bedside, helping me stand up. She’s so kind even in -- wait, why is it still dark?

“What time is it?” I ask her. 

“It’s 5 a.m., dear” Tamao looks apologetic. I’ve only been asleep for  _ three hours _ . How could Ren agree to this kidnapping?! I shoot a nasty look at my brother, who has proceeded to sit his ass on my couch and turns on the television to catch the weather report. 

“It’s going to be cold up there, dress warm.” I hear Onii-chan’s comment while Tamao and I re-pack the bag I had _ just  _ used at the hospital. We pack five days worth of sweaters and warm pants. I take out the same boots I had worn to come to Tokyo a little over a year ago. I haven’t been back home since then. Feeling guilty, I finally decide that it’s time to face my fear and tell my father about the baby I unceremoniously lost. 

“Why do you have to go see papa?” I ask my brother from across the room. 

“To... tell him that, uh, Tamao and I are, uh, gettin’ married.” I hear my brother respond hesitantly. 

“You  _ haven’t _ told him?!” My guilt begins to fade away. “It’s been, like, four months!” 

“Which is the  _ exact  _ amount of time that you had to tell us about you and Ren, but you didn’t!” With that statement, Horo turns to me and points incriminatingly. 

_ Damn _ . He got me.

“Don’t yell at her.” Ren’s voice breaks the brief silence as he emerges from the bathroom. “It was a decision made by both of us. I am not exempt from the blame.”

“Oh, don’t even get me started on what I blame you for, buddy.” Onii-chan springs up from the couch, looking ready to fight. Boys are so stupid. 

“Enough!” Tamao walks to the center of my apartment, in between the two irritated Clearly-Not Morning People. “There will be no fighting on this trip. We have to spend five or six days with each other, let’s not start this out on bad terms.” 

Onii-chan turns around and flops back onto the couch. Tamao rolls her eyes and comes back to help me off the floor of my closet. 

“I don’t think I have clothes warm enough.” Ren pops his head into my closet. Seeing Tamao struggling to prop me up without hurting me, Ren comes to our aide and picks me up bridal-style. 

“We thought about that.” Tamao replies, following us out of my closet. Ren takes me into my bathroom and places me on a stool. Tamao stays at the door, “I took the liberty of packing you some of Horohoro’s jackets and sweaters. And bought you a new pack of underwear. I hope you like blue.” With that, she smiles at us and walks away. I can hear her ask my brother to get her some eggs from the fridge. 

“Thank you, you didn’t have to go through that trouble.” Ren blushes as he calls out to her. I laugh under my breath. Its cute to see him get shy. 

“Ren, I’m hungry.” I whine. I give him a childlike pout, too -- one of my many talents. 

“I know. Let’s wash your face and then we can eat something.” Ren dampens a wash cloth and scrubs my face. He’s gentle, making sure not to be too rough around sensitive areas. This is very much Ren’s fatherly slide. I’m still not used to him being paternal. I expect it when we’re around Men, but he’s never been this combination of Caring And In Charge around me before. Its nice to not have to worry about myself, but it’s strange. Strange in a good way. I could get used to this. 

Ren dresses me. He helps clean my wounds and put a fresh bandage on my soon-to-be-scars. The look on his face when he sees the gashes on my stomach is something I will never forget.

I see guilt in his eyes. Anger, too. He just appears frustrated. Helpless. A little lost.  _ I am, too, love _ . 

His hands are hesitant to touch me. All he does is stare at my wounds with a slight grimace on his face. This poor boy is blaming himself for what I went through. I’m not gonna lie, it makes me a little happy that he’s this affected. But, I’m anxious to learn how this is going to affect our relationship. _ Please don’t leave me over this. Please don’t think that you have to stay because of this.  _

I put my hands on his face and smile a little for him. His eyes ask for a pardon when they make contact with mine. I kiss him as my reply. He strokes my thighs and kisses my knees before resting his head on my lap for a little while.

 

* * *

 

**Part II: Stopping the Avalanche**

 

“Alright. Go to the bathroom, get anything you might need for the next six hours.” My brother opens the door to the co-pilot’s seat. “Do you want me to get you anything?” He asks Tamao, who is getting ready to pump gas. 

“Some strawberry pandas would be nice.” She replies. Tamao takes her sunglasses and places them on her head like a headband. In that moment, she looks like a rockstar. I sort of envy her ability to look cool at all times. She’s the whole package. 

Ren and I get out of the car and follow Horo into the convenience store. I make a beeline towards a rack of ugly knitted beanies. I try on the one with the earflaps and pompom at the top like a gigantic hairy nipple. 

“You’ll get lice.” Ren comes up behind me. 

“But I’ll look cute while doing it.” I smile at him and go back to looking at myself in the small mirror. 

“You don’t need lice.” He tries to dissuade me from keeping the beanie on.

“Would you still love me if I got lice and shaved my head?”

“Yes, but there is such a thing as lice shampoo. You don’t need to shave your head.”

“Ugh, where’s the fun in that?” I pretend to be bothered by his statement. I overdo the teenage act by rolling my eyes. 

Ren chuckles, “Come on, I’ll buy you a juice.” He starts to walk towards the refrigerated section.

“And a beanie.” I add, reaching out to hold his hand.

“And a beanie.” Ren takes my hand and squeezes it. 

\---

Back in the car, we all settle in for what promises to be a road trip we’ll all remember for the rest of our lives. 

Leaving Tokyo for a few days won’t be so bad. I think it might help me clear my head a little. I just wish we weren’t going home to Hōkkaido; I feel like I’m being punished.  _ You weren’t mature enough to take care of yourself in the city, so now you gotta go back home. _ It makes me want to cry. I feel like such a failure. 

Actual tears start forming in my eyes. I try to look out the window so no one will notice. The blur of the moving scenery intensifies with the addition of the fat, salty tears threatening to roll down my face. I try to casually wipe them away with the edges of my sleeve. Ren notices while he opens my juice for me. 

“Pirika, what’s wrong?” Ren tries to keep his voice down, but Horo hears like a wolf. Onii-chan doesn’t do anything, but I can see him look at us in the rear-view mirror. 

Ren’s attention makes me feel even more miserable. I’ve sucked in the love of my life into my little pity party; even worse, I’ve sucked him into my pathetic life.  _ What is he even doing here? He’s an important businessman, why is he in a cramped car with three smelly hillbillies going to the middle of nowhere?  _

I shake my head and don’t say anything. This upsets him.

“No. None of that.” He tries to get me to look at him. “We’re supposed to talk about this.” He puts his arm around me and holds me close. This upsets my brother who has been watching us from the rear view mirror like a retired cop. 

“Oh, no you don’t!” Horohoro turns around in his seat. He sticks his finger in Ren’s face, “There will be none of this!” My brother gestures at us. His accusatory index finger nearly swipes my arm that I have wrapped around Ren’s waist. 

“Calm down, asshole!” Ren shouts at Horo. “Your sister’s crying, try to have some empathy!”

“Horo, what the  _ fuck _ ?” Tamao interjects with a lot of feeling. Oh my god, a rare Tamao Swear! “Let them have their moment. Don’t be a snoop.”

“I don’t want to see them having moments in front of me.” He still doesn’t turn around.

“Then, become a part of their moment.” Tamao offers a compromise which makes my brother scrunch his face.

“Ew, no. I don’t wanna  _ be _ a part of their moment.” 

“Then, leave them alone.” Tamao lightly slaps his shoulder, keeping her eyes on the road.

“I can’t she’s crying.” Horo crosses his arms and sits facing forward again. His answer gets him a collective groan as a response. He ignores it. “Pirika, why are you crying?”

“Like you care.” Ren spits at him. 

“I wasn’t asking you!” Horo turns in his seat again to yell in Ren’s face. Before anyone can say anything else, a shouting match ensues between the two boys. Boys, not men. This makes me cry harder. 

“Hey!” Tamao yelled loud enough get their attention. “This is the kind of behavior up with which I will not put! Horohoro, stop being a baby and accept that your sister is dating Ren. It’s done, there’s nothing you can do about it. Ren, do not let his attitude get to you. He wants to pick a fight, don’t give him the satisfaction. Both of you, shut up for a second! Pirika,” her tone changes dramatically to a soft, motherly voice, “are you okay?” 

“Mn,” I wipe my tears with the ear flaps of my new beanie.

“Do you want a strawberry panda?” Tamao offers me, making eye contact with me through the rear view mirror.

“No, thank you.” I manage to say before burying my face in Ren’s armpit. The scent of his deodorant sooths me. It smells blue. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Tamao asks sweetly.

“Only if Horohoro’s done being a dick.” I say into Ren’s chest, wiping my face on his sweater. Well, Horo’s sweater.

“Aa--!” I can hear my brother let out a sigh. “I’ll behave.”

Ren, who has not stopped holding ono me, kisses my forehead and shoots a look at Horo who flares his nostrils at us, but doesn’t say anything. Normally, Ren wouldn’t fathom the idea of such a tender public display of affection, but this allowed him to spite my brother and comfort me at the same time. Win/win. 

“Onii-san, do you hate me?” I ask, turning my head enough for him to only see one of my eyes. The expression on his face changed from annoyed to worried in one swift motion. 

“Oh, Pirika, no. How could you think that?” He reaches out and places his hand on my knee. “I could never hate you.”

“But you’ve been nothing but cold towards me since the accident.” I feel stupid calling the miscarriage an “accident”, but no one was planning on it, so… “And you keep antagonizing Ren. I didn’t want this to ruin your friendship! This is why I was so scared to tell you.” My voice gets higher on that last “you”. I can feel myself want to sob again, but I am at the phase of my emotional exhaustion that no more tears will come out. I’m just a girl with a red face and a stomach ache, making weird high-pitched noises, and breathing through my mouth at this point.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I know I’ve been acting kind of shitty, but this is a lot for me to take in.” Horo begins to explain. “I just never thought I’d see the day when you two got together. Not to mention, I found out while you almost died in my arms. I was really scared. It’s not an excuse, I know, but, I’m hurt, too.”

I take Horo’s hand on my knee and hold it. My damp, clammy hand feels so nice in his dry, warm one. He smiles at me. 

“I was angry at both of you for keeping this a secret for so long. But I got even angrier when I couldn’t do anything to help you. Then, Ren comes in from China like a miracle sent from the heavens and fixes everything! He covered the hospital, he’s taking care of you, he bought you a beanie!” We all chuckled at that. “I guess, I’m angry at myself. I guess, I feel like I let you down, somehow.”

“Why?” I ask him, now feeling a little better.

“Because you didn’t trust me enough to tell me you guys were dating. I think I could have handled this situation better had I know about your relationship before. It’s a little weird for me.”

“How come?” I ask him, curious as to what his answer might be. If I could get over the fact that Ren used to be in love with Horohoro, then Horohoro can get used to the fact that his best friend is dating his sister. It’s not like this is an uncommon scenario. I guess, it’ll just take some time. 

“Well, because… Ren’s Ren and you’re you and both of you are important to me.” Is the best my brother had to offer. “Seeing you guys be all cute with each other is a little hard to swallow.”

“But, why?” I don’t want to have to hide being affectionate towards Ren anymore. Especially, not in front of my own family. I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of hiding. I don’t want to have to feel ashamed for openly loving who I love. I’ve never had a real boyfriend. I’ve never brought anyone home for my family to meet. It’s just been me and my secrets for so long. I want freedom. 

“It just is, Pirika.” Horo answers me, turning in his seat to face forward. His expression changed from worried to sorrowful. This concerns me deeply. I thought I knew nearly everything about my brother. I see him clench his fists on his thighs. Tamao notices, too, and stretches her hand to cover his. I’m beginning to think this has to be more than my brother being upset that his best friend is dating his sister. 

“Onii-chan,” I take a moment to let him acknowledge me, “what’s going on?”

“It’s nothing.” His reply is too quick.

“It’s something.”

“No, it’s not. Just leave it alone, Pirika.”

“No! You’re the one who’s making a big deal about Ren and me dating, so what is it?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Liar!” I nearly launch myself into the co-pilot seat. I wriggle myself free from Ren’s arms. “I can tell when you’re lying, Horohoro.”

My brother does nothing. He keeps looking at the road and doesn’t respond to me.  _ What the hell? What won’t he tell me?! There’s something else there, right? I’m not just making this up? Why is he being so stubborn? What is he hiding? _

“Onii-” I grab his sideburn and am about to pull when Ren takes my hand away.

“That’s enough. You’re not going to get him to talk in this state.” I gawk at my traitorous boyfriend before shooting a look of Are You Seeing This Shit to Tamao. She sees me and betrays me, too,

“He’s right. Let’s change the subject. Dear, have you spoken to your father?” She directs her question to Horo, who is looking out the window.

“Not yet.” Horohoro replies dryly, still looking out the window looking with a long face.

I lose track of their conversation by screaming internally. I’m so angry I could flip this car over. How dare they let him get away with being an asshole when all I’m asking for is the truth! Don’t I deserve to know what’s going on? Shouldn’t I know why it is that I can’t be affectionate towards my boyfriend in front of my brother? Did I do something wrong? I mean, apart from hiding our relationship for so long. Was what I did really that bad?

I turn my head away from Ren, who is rubbing his temples in annoyance. I don’t want to talk to him right now. Or anyone else in this stupid car, for that matter. I wish Tamao would just pull over so I didn’t have to go through with this frustrating roller coaster straight into hell. Get me off this ride; I’ve had enough.

I’m not going to cry in front of these emotional siphons anymore. I’m not going to talk to Onii-chan or Tamao or Ren about being sad. No, they lost their privileges. I don’t care if I’m being childish. They’re all hiding something from me. I know it. 

 

* * *

 

 

**Part III: Nothing Good Ever Happens in Cheap Motels**

 

We arrive at the only motel (or hotel, for that matter) that doesn’t have it’s “NO VACANCY” sign lit. It looks like it hasn’t been updated since the 70s. Our great luck led us here, the only room available, with one queen bed and four people. 

“I’ll sleep in the car.” I say, as soon as I see the room with pink carpet and not much else to offer. 

“You will do no such thing.” Tamao takes my bags from my hands, making it harder for me to escape. “You’ll freeze. Besides, we just spent ten hours in it, let it rest. I’m sure the car has had enough of us.” 

“Girls get the bed, we’ll be on the floor.” My brother chimes in, looking for a reasonable place to sleep. 

“There’s a diner across the street, I’ll go get us some food.” Tamao sets the bags down in the tiny closet before heading towards the door. “Ren, I’ll need some help bringing everything back.” 

Ren follows her lead and allows for Horo and me to have some much needed time alone. We sit there in silence for about three minutes until Horo reaches for the TV remote. 

“Really?” I ask him, indignant and annoyed. 

“What?” He replies nonchalantly. 

“They left us here so we could talk.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“Well, maybe I want to talk about the stick up your ass.”

“Quit being a brat.” His acidic words cut through the air and land on skin, burning. 

“I’m the brat?! You’re the one with the attitude problem!”

“Pirika, you’re being annoying!” Horohoro snaps at me. 

I lunge at him. Never in my life have I been so furious.

I punch him in the face. He lets me. This makes me angrier. I punch him again, harder. He catches my fist the next time I swing at him. I knee him in the crotch. He falls to the floor. 

“Fuck, Pirika!” Horohoro cries out. “What is your problem?!”

“You! You pathetic excuse for an adult!” I yell down at him. “My problem is that you’ve been acting like a fucking jealous  _ child  _ ever since this whole thing happened! Look, I understand that you were scared and hurt, but now is the time to ta--! D-don’t, don’t you! Look at me!” I can see some of my spit propell out of my mouth in tiny spheres. 

Horohoro lazily turns his head to look at me again. His facial expression is beyond apathetic. He has truly disconnected from this conversation, or whatever you can call this. 

“Fine! If you’re going to be a jerk, then be a jerk! I feel sorry for Tamao.” I turn and head to the bathroom. I need to get away from this negativity. Never did I think that my own brother would make me feel like I don’t matter. I do, don’t I?  

“Pirika,” Horohoro pipes up, “I’m sorry.” 

“Whatever.” I open the door to the sorriest bathroom I have ever seen.

“Listen.” I can see him get up in the vanity mirror. He sits on the old bed. “Don’t turn around. I don’t know how to say this to your face.”

I keep my back turned, my hand on the brass door handle. I lower my head so he can’t see me looking at him through the outdated vanity mirror. 

“Are you in love with Ren?” Horohoro asks me hesitantly. I can hear his voice catch in his throat. 

“Yes.” I keep my eyes cast to the ground and I speak soft, but stern. 

“I...uh, this is so hard to say… um, I was, uh, once, too.” The words that my brother speaks are surreal. This has got to be a fucking joke. 

“You’re kidding.” I turn my head to look at him. He’s sitting on the bed now, looking at his folded hands in his lap. He’s blushing. This isn’t a joke. This is real. What have I gotten myself into?

“Nn--” he begins to refute my last claim, but he is interrupted by my loud snort. 

I laugh, relieved. Here, I thought something was wrong! Seriously wrong! But no, it’s all a case of high school drama we were never allowed to live. It is oddly liberating. 

“Wh-wh-whaaat?” My brother tries to comprehend what is happening in front of him. 

I keep laughing, thinking that this is too funny. It sounds almost made up! Man, my life just keeps getting stranger. Oh, well. Whatever.  _ C’est la vie _ . 

“It all makes sense now.” I am finally able to say, wiping a laughter tear out of my eye. “You’re so dense, you know that.”

“I’m not following.” Onii-san takes a few steps closer to me. 

“How long ago was this? ” I take a deep breath through my nostrils. I can finally breathe again. 

“Uh, um, like, like, during the, the Shaman Tournament.” My brother rubs the back of his neck and looks away, embarrassed.

“You really are stupid.” I smile at him. This is all so silly! Those two would have made a great couple in their youth if they were only smart enough to act on their feelings. Boys are dumb. 

“Hey! What the hell?” Horo assumes the scolding mother pose, complete with balled fists to his hips and tapping foot. “Here I am admitting something to you that only one other person knows and you call me stupid?! What the fuck, dude?” 

“It really isn’t my place to say, but we won’t be able to talk this out unless I tell you.” I bite my lip feeling like I’m about to betray my boyfriend. Sorry, honey. The greater good is on the line. 

“So, tell me.”

“I dunno. I’m not sure you can handle it.”

“C’me on, just spill.”

“Nah, maybe I’ll save it for a rainy day.” I tease Horo, buying time in hopes that the others will show up soon so Ren can tell Horo himself. I’m going to be a good girlfriend and not spill the beans. 

“Is this payback for acting like a jerk?” 

“Naw, that’s coming to you, though.” I finger gun at him with two snaps. I sit on the bed and look up at my stupid brother. It’s all a case of jealousy for a former self. I wonder when we’ll allow ourselves to grow up? “I get it, okay? I understand now. But now that we both know what we know, can you stop being such a baby about this?” 

“Yeah, I’m sorry.” Onii-san sits next to me. I lean into him. He hugs me tight. “I’m really sorry. I know I’ve been a real asshole. You don’t deserve it. I was projecting. I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven.” I hug him back. “Just control yourself.”

We sit there for a while just making stupid faces at each other before the door opens behind us and a strong smell of fried chicken filled the room. My mouth waters instantly and I shove Horo away from me to snatch the bucket of breaded goodness out of Ren’s hands. 

“Well, you’re in better spirits. Did you two make up?” Tamao asks sweetly, walking over to her fiancé and handing him a large drink. 

“Yeah, it’s all good, now.” I open the lid of the bucket and peer into my dinner.  _ Give it to meeeee.  _

Ren drags me to the shitty motel table and sits me down. Horo and Tamao join at the shitty motel table. No one speaks while eating, a sign of real hunger. 

“I think,” I begin to say, kind of regretting the words as they come out of my mouth, “I think Ren and Horohoro should have a talk.” 

“About what?” Ren looks at me, suspicious. 

“Well, I feel it would do you two a lot of good to discuss that one thing you told me on the couch the first night you slept over at my place.”

“WH _ A _ T?!” Ren’s face turned deep red. Horo and Tamao leaned in, curious. “Why?!”

“Because it’ll make sense to you after you say it and then more things will make sense and we can all get back to getting along.” Or it can blow up in my face and make this trip even worse. 

“Pirika, I don’t like this.” He tries to keep his voice down, a worried look on his face. 

“Well, is it important?” Horo asks, not wanting to sound too much like a nosy neighbor, but failing. 

“Not really…” Ren’s blush deepens as he looks away. I can’t help but notice that Horo is blushing, too. Just a little. Just enough. 

Tamao puts her hand on my brother’s and gives it a small squeeze. I think she knows how the two felt about each other. Whether or not she and Horo have discussed it in the past, I do not know. The look on her face is one of understanding and compassion. 

“If you guys need a moment alone, Pirika and I can go look at the pool.” Tamao suggests.

“Or wait in the bathroom.” I add, wanting to overhear their conversation. 

“Let’s just finish our dinner.” Ren continues to eat. He’s been staring at his plate the whole time. He eats his fried chicken with the shitty plastic utensils instead of using his hands like the rest of us. I have decided to find it charming. 

Chewing, fingers being wiped on napkins, occasional lip smacking, and drinking from plastic bottles create the medley of the only sounds heard for the next several minutes. 

An unexpected confession breaks the silence.

“Ren, I used to be in love with you.” Horohoro blurts out. 

The world stops for a second. I feel like it all is happening in slow motion. 

Ren’s mouth hangs open revealing a small amount of chicken that hasn’t made it to its final destination. He drops his shitty plastic utensils. The knife lands on the floor, between us. 

Tamao takes a deep breath in and stops eating, she looks at the man she is to marry in amazement. 

“I used to be in love with you, but I got over it a while ago and now you’re dating my sister and that’s what’s been bothering me. I don’t know how to--” Horohoro stops himself when he takes in Ren’s facial expression. I don’t think anyone has ever seen Ren blush with wide eyes and an open mouth. My Ren is usually a very composed man, this is new to all of us. We all stare at him, hoping he’ll say something. 

Instead, Ren stands and leaves the room. 

Horohoro stares at Tamao and me in confusion. Terrified, his eyes look like they’re about to start spilling repressed tears. 

“Go!” We both yell, motioning with our arms to follow Ren and stop him from doing anything stupid. 

My brother bolts after the man he used to love - the man I currently love- leaving the woman he is to marry, my best friend, behind. 

I get up too, planning to witness whatever the hell will happen next with my own eyes, but a tug on my sleeve sits me back down. Suddenly, the pit of my stomach drops and I remember that I did something reckless that could hurt the very person sitting in front of me. 

“It’s alright,” Tamao reassures me, “I’ve known for a while. Let them take care of this by themselves. They’ll come back when it’s all better.”

Some things will resolve themselves without me being there to shape them or see them for myself. That’s just the way life is. I have to trust that whatever happens out there will be for the best, even if I don’t like the outcome. Even if it means that this trip will go worse than I imagined. 

The fried chicken makes me nauseous. I don’t want to eat anymore. I drink some of the juice that Ren and Tamao brought back and lie down on the floor without saying a sound. 

Tamao keeps eating. She doesn’t say anything either. I don’t think she’s being passive agressive. I just think she’s just hungry and tired and wants everything to be dealt with without her having to play mommy. 

Twenty-somewhat minutes later the door opens and the boys come back in, smiling. Tamao and I have now cleaned up and are ready to hit the sack. 

“Hey.” Is all I can manage to say. 

Ren nods in my direction with a weak smile. 

Horohoro walks towards Tamao (who is shiny with face cream and is wearing the ugliest pajamas I have ever seen), picks her up and gives her a deep kiss. “Everything’s alright,” Horo releases a breath and presses their foreheads together, “everything’s fine.”

The scene touches me. I notice Ren staring at them, too, content. 

“What happened?” I ask, getting closer to him, but unsure of whether or not I can touch him. 

“We talked it out.” Ren begins to look a little uncomfortable. “We kissed.” His face reddens faster than my pulse begins to rush through my body after hearing that last confession. 

I don’t know what to make of this.  _ THEY KISSED?!  _ I decide to play it cool and not say or do anything that will hurt anyone in the room until I gather all the facts. 

“And? How was it?” I ask calmly.

“It was great!” Horo responds for Ren. My heart nearly skips a beat “But, we felt nothing.” My brother gives me the dorkiest smile. He looks relieved. I’m happy for him.

“ _ You _ felt nothing?” I ask Ren.

“ _ I _ felt nothing.” Ren answers while looking at me dead in the eyes. 

“You felt  _ nothing _ ?” I ask again, adding my emphasis to the word “nothing”.

“I. Felt.  _ Nothing. _ ” Ren underlines every word. 

“You felt nothing!” I exclaim with glee, sticking my arms in the air, wide. Its hug time.

“I felt nothing!” Ren takes me in for a hug and rests his chin on my head. “Thank you.” He whispers. 

I look back to see Tamao and Horohoro touching each other’s faces, smiling. I can hear Horo ask her if she’s mad that he and Ren kissed. She shakes her head. They kiss again. Tamao truly is the embodiment of good. 

What a weird day this has been and what a weird way to end it: Tamao and I cuddling in bed; the boys cuddling on the floor, elated because they felt nothing. 

 

* * *

 

**Part IV: Teaching Father the Math**

 

“Pirika! My darling daughter!” My father greets us at the front door. He hugs me before peeking over my head and noticing the three freezing shamans behind me. “Hello, come in, come in! Hi, Tamao, dear, how are you?” He gives her a quick hug before sending her past the door frame where I now stand. “Ah, is that Tao Ren? My, you’ve grown! Come on in, it’s cold out here even for me!” He pats Ren’s shoulders as Ren says hello to him. “Horohoro, my son, thank you for bringing your sister.” My father beams at my brother. 

“Hey, pops.” Horo gives my dad a small smile while he takes off his hat. “Yeah, I brought a whole mess of kids. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, not at all! You are all always welcome here.” My father walks past the other two to get to me. He puts his hands around my shoulders. “I hope you’re hungry. I made salmon and some soup. How does that sound?” 

“That sounds really good, papa.” I tell him. 

“Do you need any help in the kitchen, sir?” Tamao offers her assistance in a typical Tamao move. 

“Oh, no, my sweet child. Horohoro can help me. Come, son.” Horo follows my father into the kitchen. “Pirika, why don’t you show your friends where they’ll be staying.” 

“Okay, Papa.” I pick up the duffle bags Horo leaves behind. Ren is quick to snatch them out of my hands as they follow me up the stairs. 

I take Tamao to my brother’s room and set her stuff down. It looks just the same as when I was here a year ago. This comforts me, but reminds me of how alone my father must feel. I take Ren to my room as Tamao arranges their clothes so they don’t continue getting wrinkled. 

It feels weird to have a boy in my room (other than my brother, of course) while my father is home. I’m a bit embarrassed with the old pictures of my life during the eight years Ren and I were separated. He looks at them after putting our bags on my bed, which has a frilly pink bed spread that I’ve had since I was twelve. Ren takes his time with the pictures on my wall. He seems to linger on the ones where my hair is shorter and my clothes are tighter. 

“I was seventeen.” I tell him, startling him into a deep blush. “Those days were pretty confusing for me. It all seems like a blur.”

“Drugs?” He asks, not taking his eyes of a shot of me lying on the floor doing a peace sign as I look away from the camera. I’m wearing a fur-lined coat and my underwear, nothing else. By the way the picture was taken, you wouldn’t even know I wasn’t wearing proper clothes. 

“Sex.” I admit. 

“That man -- the older one...” Ren looks at me, concerned. 

I nod, “We slept together for about a year. Six months into it, I found out he was married. Had a ba--”

“He was  _ married _ ?” Ren cups my cheek with one hand. 

“Yes.” I look Ren in the eye as I confess. I’ve never told anyone before. It doesn’t feel like a release, it feels the same as if someone were asking me what time it was. I don’t carry around that burden of remorse or anything like it. I dropped that load long ago.

“And you kept sleeping with him?” There’s shock in his voice, it’s not much, but it’s there. 

“Yes.” I don’t make excuses. I don’t try to sugarcoat it. I don’t tell him that it didn’t matter to me because he was just a sex toy to me, too. It was mutual fucking for the sake of fucking. We both wanted an escape from reality. We found it in each other’s company late at night and on weekends. I kept my hair short because it made me look older than I was, when we were seen in public, which was a rare occurrence,  it didn’t look like the guy was that much older than me. 

“Who took the picture?” Ren asks, glancing down at my lips.

“He did.” 

“Why do you keep it?”

“To remind me that I’m capable of doing ugly things that hurt people.” Ren’s thumb strokes my bottom lip as I talk. “I don’t want to ever be that way again.”

“He hurt you.” Ren whisper-talks. Now both of his hands find themselves on my cheeks.

“I hurt him... and his wife.” I remind Ren that I am not the victim here, his wife is. His child is. Not me. I was a culprit in this crime.

“He hurt his wife by himself.” Ren squeezes my face a little. He looks sad. 

“I am sti--”

“Pirika, he is the one to blame. He preyed on you. He was the one who decided to cheat on his wife. You didn’t make that decision for him. You were only seventeen.”

“I know.” I grab Ren’s wrists gently. “That was years ago, now. I’ve moved on.”

Ren kisses my forehead. I am very confused. 

Ren and I have never discussed this man apart from the time he asked me about the greatest age difference between my lovers and me. Ren doesn’t know what I went through during or after my fling with the married man. Even now, when I speak of him, I act like it never affected me -- like I’m completely neutral about the man. It was a big deal while it was happening, but he doesn’t --- wait, could Onii-chan have picked up on something and told Ren in passing? That’s a scary thought. 

“Let’s go help with dinner. We can unpack after we come back upstairs.” I tell him, needing to get out of this conversation. 

“I love you.” He tells me as he holds me close. I can smell his cologne, it soothes me.  

“I love you.” 

\---

Dinner is colored alive with my father telling stories of when we were kids. The soup and salmon that he and Tamao prepared soothed my every muscle and nurtured my soul. There is bountiful laughter and the feeling of family. Our secrets and past sins melt away, leaving us with nothing but good conversation and heartfelt stories. Its warm and comforting; I want feeling to last forever. 

After dinner, Horo decides to tell our father of his engagement. My father nearly cries and excitedly shakes Horo’s shoulders. He turns to Tamao and hugs her, asking every question imaginable about the wedding. Tamao gladly answers all of his questions, beaming with joy to be accepted into my family so quickly. She even tells him about their moving into an apartment in my building, causing my father to go from super excited to freaking ecstatic. 

Ren and I clean up in the kitchen, happily allowing them to have their moment. We overhear everything, even my dad asking for the approximate arrival date of his first grandchild. The question catches everyone off guard. The smiles on our faces slowly deflate. I turn keep my back turned on everyone, working near the sink, so my father doesn’t read the trauma on my face. Ren stays near me, checking my face with his peripherals.

Tamao saves the day by answering that kids are far too expensive for them at the moment, they’ll wait until they can afford to take care of a child properly. My father praises Tamao for having a good head on her shoulders. He tells them that he’ll help pay for the wedding, whatever the cost. 

Horo thanks our father with a “that’s not necessary, don’t waste your money on me” approach but my dad won’t hear of it. Finally, Horo reluctantly accepts and says that it’s time for bed. 

My father seems saddened to have us all leave his presence so soon. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart enough to do the thing I was brought here to do: come clean. 

“Actually, papa, I’m not tired yet, so I can stay with you.” I say, putting the last dish in the cabinet. “There’s something I want to tell you, anyway.” My palms begin to sweat and the nausea from two days ago returns with a vengeance. 

“Well, sure, honey, what is it?” He asks, stars still in his eyes. 

“I’ll tell you when we’re alone.” I say, smiling through the pain, the anxiety, and the butt-sweat. I notice Ren staring at me, nervous. I gesture my head to tell him to beat it, while still looking calm for my father. 

Ren doesn’t move from where he’s standing, halfway in between the dining room and kitchen. Horo notices and tries to get Ren to go upstairs with him. The three of us communicate with eye-widening and small gestures to convince Ren to retire. In the end, Tamao had to take him by the hand and lead him upstairs, while Horo pushed him from behind. Teamwork. 

“They don’t have some freaky arrangement, do they?” My father asks, after making sure they all got up the stairs, out of earshot. Horo probably heard it, though.

“What...?” The question makes me chuckle, “No, papa. It’s nothing like that.” 

“Well, alright, then.” He doesn’t sound too convinced. “What did you want to talk about?”

“There’s not much to talk about, papa.” I lied. “I’ve just been busy with school and stuff.”

“Pirika, you used to be so full of life! You never stayed home. I find it hard to believe that you haven’t found the time to have some fun in Tokyo.” 

“I still have fun, papa.” I try to reassure him. “Just a few months ago, I rode on a hot air balloon.” I leave out the part that the reason I was never home as a youth because I was busy bed-hopping because I was too depressed to deal with my problems. You know, teenage stuff. I also leave out that the balloon ride I went on was because I was on a first date with the most  _ extra  _ person known to Asia. 

“Well, I didn’t know that. Why don’t you call more often, it’s been awful lonely up here without you or your brother.” He guilts me. 

He has a point though; my father has lived his life for us ever since mom walked out. He might have not been the best father, but at least he was supportive. The longest he’d ever gone without seeing at least one of his kids was during the Shaman Tournament. Suddenly, both his kids leave at the same time and he was left to himself. Onii-chan is the one who has made the effort to see him the most often, even though their relationship isn’t the greatest. Shit, he even brought Tamao to get better acquainted with him when they first started dating. 

And what have I done?  I call my dad maybe once a month to talk to him for about fifteen minutes just to fulfill my duties as a daughter. I’ve hidden my boyfriend from him just because I didn’t feel like bringing it up. I’m a  _ dick _ !

“I’m sorry, papa.” I pat his hand. “I promise I’ll call more.”

“Come see me, too!” He smiles. “I always get to see your brother, but I never get to see you. It’s still your house, you know.” 

“I know, papa. And when you come down to Tokyo, you can stay with me.”

“Thank you, my sweet girl!” He takes my hand shakes it a bit. “So, you guys brought Ren with you. It’s nice to see that he and your brother are still such good friends.”

“Yeah, papa, about that…” I take my hand back from him.  _ Why is this so hard? Just spit it out, Pirika! _ My father looks at me with a smile on his face.  _ No, don’t smile! You’re making this harder!  _ “Papa, Ren and I are... dating.” 

“What? Are you serious?” My father looks genuinely confused. “Isn’t he...you know,  _ you know _ ? Um, gay?”

_ Boy, golly, if only he were.  _ My life, in this moment in time, would be far less complicated in Tao Ren were gay. And yet, he is not and here we are. 

“No, papa.” I give him a small chuckle to lighten the mood. “Ren’s not gay.”

“Well, I-I, I could have sworn he…” My father trails off, putting his hand on his bearded chin. 

“He’s not gay, papa. He even had a baby with the Iron Maiden.” I don’t know what kind of grasp my father has on the spectrum of human sexuality, so I give him the only answer that will satisfy him. I know that having a baby with someone means nothing in terms of sexual preferences, but this will keep my father from bringing it up in future conversations. 

“A baby?!” His eyes widen a little. “My god, the boy’s a father…” 

_ This is it, Pirika! Here is your chance! _

“Yeah, papa, about that…” I pause to make sure I don’t sound too blase about what I’m about to tell him.

“Pirika, you don’t mean to tell me you’re --” My father’s eyes widen, glistening. He smiles again and takes a deep breath. “Oh, my darling daughter!” He comes in for a hug. I take a step back. _ Bad, bad, bad, bad!  _

“Papa, no--”

“This is excellent news! When can--” 

“Papa, I lost the baby.” I spat out real fast.  _ There, I said it.  _

“What?” My father’s face falls. He doesn’t want to believe what he’s hearing. 

“I lost the baby.” I say again, looking away. I don’t want him to see me right now. I want to disappear. 

“Pirika…” he looks upset. 

“I-it… I wasn’t.....” I look at him again only to see him scratching his head for answers. “I wasn’t very far along.” 

“Oh, my daughter.” He takes my hands in his again. He pats them sullenly. I can feel his sorrow. “How long ago?”

“About a week ago. It was an ectopic pregnancy. The fetus got stuck in my tubes and I had to have surgery and I spent three days in the hospital and I’m sorry I didn’t call to tell you because I was embarrassed.” I can’t help but delivery my confession super fast.

All this time, I look at the floor, the tears I couldn’t cry before now fall freely from my eyes. I can’t control it, much like my life. “Ren and Hororhoro and Tamao are all taking really good care of me and I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I’m sorry I never call you. I’m so sorry, papa...” 

I feel my body being pulled into a warm hug, my father’s arms firmly grasp me. I cry into his chest. 

“My darling daughter, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. These things happen. You must be in a lot of pain.” He kisses the top my head. “I am sorry you are going through this loss. Would you like to stay here for a few weeks to grieve?” 

His words touch me. They’re not much, but he’s never been Mr. Sensitive. What he said is enough. He is kind in offering me a break from my life. 

“I can’t.” I reply in between small sobs. “I have school.” School is the real bummer.

“Can’t you take a medical leave of absence?” 

“I don’t want to delay my studies.” I sniff. “I’ve gotten so far.”

“I understand. But if you feel like you need to home come, do so. Remember, my child, your health is the most important. You must be well to do well.” 

“Yes, papa.” I respond, defeated. I feel like such a fucking asshole. He took this a lot better than I expected. I didn’t even want to tell him, yet here I am crying into his chest like a fucking child. I was so scared he would get angry, but he’s just happy his daughter is okay. I’m shit. 

After that, my father hugs me tight. I can tell he’s hurting, too. He asks me to watch some TV with him before heading to bed. We watch a documentary about bees. I think it’s about bees. I’m too busy screaming in my own head to pay proper attention. 

At about one a.m. my father turns off the T.V.. We head upstairs and part ways, muttering our “goodnight”s through our yawns. 

I go to my room and see three Shamans waiting for me. Ren and Tamao are sitting on my bed, while Horo is sitting on my desk chair, backwards. This scene looks so high school. It makes me chuckle to myself. 

“Did you hear everything?” I ask them, amused. I take a seat on my bed in between Tamao and Ren. I need to feel surrounded by love right now. 

“Just about, yeah.” My brother gives his answer in his Sleepy Time voice. He doesn’t yawn, or anything, it’s just so monotonous and soft. 

“How are you, dear?” Tamao brushes my bangs out of my eyes and plays with my hair. “How do you feel?”

“Kind of stupid.” I admit. “I didn’t know what to expect, but I wasn’t expecting that.” I still feel like a massive asshole for being so secretive towards my father. I want to be more open with him, especially now since he’s all alone up here. I don’t think I’ll be admitting much of what I was up to when I lived here, but enough so he knows I trust him. “It feels nice to let it out, though.”

“It’s a good thing we came.” Said my brother in a zombie-like state. “Now that that’s done we can go to bed. Goodnight, love you, godbless, et cetera, et cetera.” Horo spoke as he lifted himself from my chair and helped Tamao off my bed. Before exiting my doorway, he turns to me, “I’m really proud of you, Pirika.”

Tamao gives me two victory signs and a huge smile before blowing me a kiss goodnight. 

I catch her invisible kiss and slap it on my cheek. 

Tamao closes the door. I can hear her giggle and my brother “shh” her excitedly, as well as some hurried footsteps into the distance. 

“Well, they sound like they’re gonna have some fun.” I look down at Ren, who is avoid eye contact with me. “What’s up?”

“I should have been there to tell him with you. I look like a coward by not facing him. He’s your father, I should have been there to show him my respect.” His arms are crossed over his chest. 

“It was easier for me to do it this way.” I pat his hair. “I needed to tell him alone. I needed him to be real with me. Thank you for respecting my wishes.” 

I get a grunt out of him.

“Help me redress my bandages.” I change the subject to have him distract himself from being angry over a small formality. I have my fingers trail from his beautiful long hair down to his hand. He holds my fingers before looking up at me. 

I get up so I can take my sweater and tank top off. Facing him, Ren unbuttons my pants to have easier access to my bandages. They seem to have bled through a little. 

“I guess I over-exerted myself today.” I say, trying to not make a big deal out of it. 

I wasn’t expecting Ren to run his hands down his face and neck at the sight of my bloody abdomen. I could tell that there was something that he needed to say, but couldn’t bring himself to speak. He looks up at me with sad, red eyes. He’s miserable. 

“Lie down.” Ren instructs me while helping me take my pants off and get on my bed. He rummages through our bags and finds clean bandages and surgical tape. He peels the old tape off and removes the blood-stained cloth. He nearly cries at the sight of my open wounds. “Go back to just wearing sweatpants. I think your jeans are too tight and may have caused this.” He looks sick, almost like he’s squeamish, but I know him better than that. 

“Tell me what’s on your mind.” I put my hand on his before he can properly dress my wounds. 

“I did this to you.” He plops my hand back where it was and goes to work on disinfecting the gashes before sealing them up. 

“You didn-”

“I should have been more careful.”

“We  _ were _ being careful.”

“You could have died!” He slams his fist on my mattress. 

“Yeah, well, I didn’t.” I gently touch his face. He cups his hand around mine, allowing me to feel the heat of his skin. 

“Our baby died.” The way Ren speaks these words are almost hushed. He looks so disappointed. 

I manage to smile a little as we take in each other’s expressions. “Yeah, they did.”

Ren hangs his head. 

“Hey,” I say, shaking my hand in his so he looks at me. “What would you have named them?” 

“Pirika, I don’t want to play this game.” 

“Then, finish fixing me up and I’ll tell you the names I would have named our baby.” 

Ren doesn’t look at me, but he begins to cover my wounds and cut the tape. 

“Mudflap.” I joke. 

Ren let’s out a sharp exhale. Not the reaction I wanted, but I am not giving up.

“Scooter.” I try again. 

Ren chuckles.  _ Ding! Ding! Ding! We have traction, ladies and gentlemen! _

“Salsa-Mostasa.” I join the only two words in Spanish I know. 

Ren huffs and rolls his eyes. Damn, that set me back. 

“Salad.” I say, determined. 

“You can’t name a kid “Salad”, that’s just cruel.” Ren finally laughs. “Salad.” He puts on the final tape on that will keep me together for the night. 

“Yeah, I can! First name “Salad”, middle name “Person”.” I cross my arms over my chest as to inspire some sort of naming duel. 

“” _ Salad Person _ ”?” He questions me. “”Tao Salad Person”?” 

“Yes.”

“Oh, come on. Be serious.” He finally looks at me with a smile on his face. 

“Okay, okay. You really want to know?” I sit up with Ren’s help.

“Yes.” 

“Chise.” I say, looking lovingly into his eyes. “It means “home” in Ainu.”

“Why “Chise”?” 

“Because that’s how I feel when I’m with you.”

Flustered and blushing, Ren allows himself to fall to my side on the bed, careful to not move me too much. We stare and smile at each other, wrapping ourselves into one another. We say nothing. We don’t have to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! My deepest apologies for not updating for almost a year. School got really intense and I could not afford to write leisurely. Then, I was too depressed and exhausted to keep writing after graduation. I only got back to writing for pleasure this week. I tried to make up for it by making this chapter almost 9,500 words. I've been working on this since January, so I'm happy to finally publish it.
> 
> Also, I'm thinking about changing the formatting of the previous chapters to be more like this one. I might also add new material to the old chapters, but who knows if I'll have the energy.
> 
> The next chapter will be the last. I don't know when I'll update next, but I'm already working on it.

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been sitting in my head for about eight years, so I finally decided to write it down. It was going to be a lot different, but since I'm a stickler for canon, changes had to be made and the story kind of wrote itself. I don't know how long it is going to be yet, but please be patient. 
> 
> This isn't my usual writing style, so forgive me if it seems unusual. I'm trying something new. 
> 
> I'd like to take time to recognize Micelle, ShatteredLyre, and sOrbetes from ff.net for their contribution to the SK fandom back when it was more alive than it is now. It is thanks to these kids that RenPrir is my undying OTP.


End file.
